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Chapter 25
I threw my phone on the industrial carpet of the library, forcing myself to not tap the replay button again. I hitched my knees up and leaned back against the shelves, my head resting on some books about Bantu civilization. Speaking of Southern Africa, Nelson Mandela’s estate should sue at Zack’s audacity. It’s one thing to smear my name, but conflating Nelson Mandela’s legacy with your fuckery while you’re doing it? Unforgivable.
The video had already hit over a thousand views and I was pretty sure a good number of them were mine. It was masochistic, I know, but somehow, fully analyzing and processing the attack was the only thing that could give me anything close to relief. This was a calculated, vicious, aggressive ambush. Zack had known he was going to do this, known that the longer he held back, rock in a slingshot, the harder the knock, the further the reach, the deeper the wound. If my integrity was up for question then so was the election, and so was everyone who had anything to do with me—anyone who had come on the show as part of their campaign tour. I’d potentially messed things up for the whole of Blackwell. Simi’s suggestion that I run was now quite poetically comical.Brown Sugar’s subscribers were in a precarious flux since Zack’s broadcast, and way lower than I would need to get into the NYU program. I was fucked.
It had been two days since it happened and the library was the onlyplace I’d left my room for. I missed lectures and seminars and screened dozens of calls and messages from Chioma and Shanti. Aminah was all but holding vigil by my door. Malakai had come by but I told him I needed space. He left and couldn’t have been out of the building before he sent a message.
Kai:I got you, Scotch. Know that. X
Nothing would make me feel better. Nothing that anyone could say could make me feel less stupid for letting the same thing happen to me twice. The one thing I swore to myself I would never allow to happen. The minute I let my guard down, let myself get involved in Blackwell society, I was paying for it, and everyone else would pay for it too. Life was far easier when I didn’t talk to anyone but Aminah—unless it was unseen and through a mic and about what it means when a guy doesn’t like your pictures. I couldn’t believe that somehow, a guy had managed to weaponize his attraction to me against meagain,like some kind of poisoned kiss that would always lead to my social demise.
My eyes were stinging again, filling again. I had been sat in my secret spot in the library for at least two hours. Thankfully there were plenty of things to keep me occupied. I was equipped with books about colonialism, Yoruba masks, the matriarchy in ancient African cultures, and half a granola bar. I’d already eaten today so if I saved the granola bar until tomorrow then maybe I could hide out here for like two days. Nobody would ever find me.
I reached behind me and pulled a book out at random.Heaven on Earth: Divine Power in Ancient Yorubaland. Maybe I could tap into my inner celestial being and transcend this situation totally, and rewind time so I was curled up in bed with Malakai, because I missed him, I just didn’t know what to do with us anymore, us felt trapped underneath the emotional debris of Zack’s chaos.
“Kiki—”
My latent powers must have been super potent because I hadn’t even turned the first page and they’d already been activated. I’d willed myself to hear Malakai’s voice. With a little bit of training, I could really run the world. I turned the book around. Was it some kind of grimoire?
“Scotch.” The voice was louder, and I looked up to see Malakai stood in between the two bookshelves. My heart leaned into its compulsion to leap at the sight of him, whatever the circumstance. Malakai sat next to me on the floor. The moment his arm curved around me, I turned to him, curling my legs over his, as he leaned his chin on my head, my body furling into the comfort of his energy. I inhaled deeply, taking in his scent, letting it soothe.
“Look, Kiki, I know you said this was your safe space but the girls were getting worried. I was getting worried. I thought I’d try. Do you want me to go?”
“No.” I sniffed and untangled myself from him, crossing my legs and swivelling so I was facing him. “Kai, I don’t know what to do. It wasn’t like all of it was a lie. But if I admit that some of it is true then people are gonna think that all of it is true and then there’s that fuckingpicture—”
Malakai picked up my hand and let his thumb rest on my wrist. My pulse rose up to kiss it. His eyes went steely, and I could tell he was containing himself for my sake. His eyes dropped to focus on his thumb rubbing circles on my skin, as if in meditation, to calm himself down.
“Kiki... the only reason I haven’t fucked Zack up is because I promised you I wouldn’t.”
I shook my head. “I don’t need any more drama and I don’t want you to get in shit.”
Malakai nodded and looked up. “Fine. But, Kiki, the picture was immediately reported and his account has been suspended. Aminah was on it immediately. And I’m not gonna tell you what to do because I can’t dothat. But what I do know is that you have the strongest voice I know and I think you should use it.”
The little energy I had left was used to laugh. I felt drained. “Who’s going to believe me? And nowBrown Sugarand my summer program are in jeopardy because who the hell is going to listen to me giving advice with my fake boyfriend, when I’ve just been exposed as the biggest hypocrite on campus? I need a sustained high level of listeners and—what?”
“Fake boyfriend?” Malakai’s thumb had stopped its circuit on my wrist.
I blinked and rubbed my forehead. “You know what I mean—”
“Nah, I don’t really, Scotch.” He shifted back. “This thing between us ain’t bigger than the show?”
I froze. “Are you serious right now? The only reason we decided to do this was for the show and your film. Obviously now it’s different, but—”
“Is it? What is this to you? Because, not gonna lie, it kind of feels like this thing between us only exists to you in relation toBrown Sugar.”
I almost recoiled, tilted my head to the side. “I’m sorry. Are you asking me what weareright now? Right fuckingnow,Malakai?”
It was belated, slow in boiling, but I realized that I was angry. Raging, in fact. The hurt had subsided and now I was pissed at Nile, at Zack, and apparently at Malakai for treating my attention as some kind of leverage.
Malakai’s eyes flashed with something that looked a little like hurt. “Kiki, I’m just saying... it low-key feels like you’ve had one foot out of this thing since we started. Like you’ve been waiting for a reason for it not to work. Why did you ask me if I was going to end this the other day? Did you want me to?”
I swallowed, something ugly forming inside me. I could feel it, stinging and agitating its way into becoming. It was the same way a boil formed to fight an infection, gathering every toxin together to expel it. In this case the infection was how much I liked Malakai Korede. So much that even now, I just wanted to call the fight off, put my face in his neck,and be held by his warmth. But I needed to protect myself. Malakai probably thought that what he felt for me was real—the same way Nile wanted me during the moment, the same way Zack had chased me—but it would melt away soon, be proven a fallacy and a fantasy and I’d be punished for letting my guard down. I couldn’t let that happen again.
“I don’t know. Maybe. Malakai. We’re attracted to each other. We hooked up. And maybe you want that to mean something more than it does—maybe that’s why you compared me to Ama.”
Malakai ran a hand over his face and stood up. “You have to be fucking kidding me. I knew you were pissed at that.”
I stood up too, and realized I really was pissed at that. It reminded me of Nile’s desire for me being contingent on the fact that I wasn’t Rianne.
