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13
Alone
Charlotte
I’ve always considered myself an even-keeled, fair person. But there’s something about Oliver that seems to bring out the crazy in me. I blame his profession, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to call out plastic surgery as something that exacerbates poor self-esteem and self-image problems in women. I am insightful enough to know that for me, my impression is made worse because of what happened to my mother. Plastic surgery didn’t kill my mother, but the idea of feminine beauty pushed by a fashion industry that then turned to plastic surgery and other forms of beauty attainment was to blame. At least that’s what I blame, even though the therapist in me knows that ultimately it was my mother’s choices that led to her demise.
The minute Oliver walked out of my office, I realized that my behavior was a little over the top. By the time I regrouped and exited my office to catch him, he was already gone. Now, along with feeling like a jerk for reacting the way I did, I feel guilt at not going to dinner with him as his fake fiancée as per our agreement. I consider looking up Dr. Kramer’s address and going on my own, but I’m concerned that Oliver would be upset with me still and we wouldn’t be able to pull off two people who are in love. So instead, I go to my office to complete my notes on Rachel’s session, and then I head home.
I have my dinner in front of the TV, a habit I picked up since I started living alone. When a Black Friday commercial comes on, I’m reminded that Thanksgiving is in two days. After my grandmother died, I spent Thanksgiving with Stephen’s family, but now I am alone. A rush of sadness and loneliness washes through me as this will be my first Thanksgiving alone, assuming Oliver will be spending it with his brother.
There’s a part of me that’s sad Oliver hasn't invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him since we are roommates and fake fiancés, but fake is the operative word. The scene in my office notwithstanding, we are friends, but that’s it.
I push thoughts about the loss of my family and being alone on Thanksgiving away, and focus on watching Jeopardy and eating my dinner. When I finish my dinner and washing my dishes, I decide to read and wait until Oliver gets back to apologize to him. But as ten PM becomes eleven PM and I find it hard to stay awake, I go to bed. Hopefully, I will see him tomorrow and can make my apology then.
I don’t see Oliver the next morning, and I’m not sure if he’s left, or if he’s still asleep. I consider knocking on his bedroom door, but then talk myself out of it. Instead, I go to my office where I work a full day, even though most people only work a half-day on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. In my profession, especially with the clientele I serve, holidays are particularly challenging, so working longer hours is part of what I do. The holidays are fraught with difficult family situations and an abundance of unhealthy foods, the combination of which can send many of my clients into crisis. This year, I might even work on Thanksgiving, if a client needs it.
That evening when I get back to my building and into the elevator, Theo and Madeline join me.
“Hi, Charlotte, how are you?” Madeline asks as Theo pokes the button for the penthouse floor.
“I’m doing well, thank you. Are you ready for Thanksgiving?”
Madeline cocks her head to the side. “Yes, Theo and I are heading up this evening to my grandparents, and Oliver will meet us there tomorrow. You are joining us, aren’t you?”
I’m not sure how to respond to that. They both know that Oliver and I are in a fake relationship, so there’s no reason for me to be included in a family gathering.
“He did invite you, didn’t he?” Madeline asks.
I’m not sure what it means that Oliver didn’t invite me to Thanksgiving. I suppose if the invite were made since my argument with Oliver, it would make total sense that he didn’t invite me, considering how I treated him. But if he’d known before that, and still didn’t invite me, that means he didn’t want me to come.
Because it’s such an awkward situation that Oliver and I are in, I decide not to throw him under the bus by telling Madeline and Theo that Oliver hadn’t said anything about Thanksgiving to me.
“I appreciate the invite, but I have some clients that are struggling right now and I need to stay close for them. Oliver didn’t mention that to you?” I decide I need to make it seem like he has spoken to me.
“Oh, I’m sorry you’ll miss it.”
The elevator reaches my floor. “I know you’ll have a wonderful time. Happy Thanksgiving,” I say as I exit the elevator and head to the condo.
Although Oliver might still be angry at me, I need to tell him of this exchange, and how it’s okay that I won’t be going with him for Thanksgiving, even though deep down I’m feeling hurt. I know I shouldn’t be. Even if Oliver and I were getting along, we haven’t known each other so long that we would spend the holiday together.
When I arrive back at the condo, there’s no sign of him. He’s avoiding me again, and this time I’m pretty sure it’s me specifically he’s staying away from. That annoys me because I can’t apologize to him and make things right if he's going to ignore me like a petulant child.
I try to stay up to see Oliver, but I end up falling asleep on the couch, and when I wake up Thanksgiving morning, he’s gone. I don’t even know if he came home last night. I tell myself he's being childish, even though I know I’m part of the problem.
As the day goes on, the only clue that it’s Thanksgiving is the parade on the television. Other than that, I treat the day like any weekend. I take care of household duties, deal with my banking, and since it’s a nice, clear day out, I decide to go for a walk.
I try not to think of how pathetic it is that I’m alone on Thanksgiving. I remind myself that it wasn’t that I wasn’t invited to dinner because Madeline clearly had invited me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m alone while everybody else is with their families giving thanks.
Because I don’t like feeling so pathetic, I decide that I can be thankful too. I still have my home and a roommate to help with the mortgage even though he doesn’t like me. I’m thankful for my health, and that I am intelligent and hard-working enough that I’m able to manage a practice on my own. I should probably relocate my office to a less expensive space, but that move is much easier to handle than the idea of moving out of my condo.
When I get back to the condo after a walk along the river, I turn on the TV and look for all the marathon Christmas movies that generally start on Thanksgiving. I didn’t prepare for Thanksgiving, so I pull a frozen dinner from the freezer and heat it up in the microwave. I pour myself a glass of wine and plant myself in front of the TV to begin watching movies.
When I start to cry, I tell myself it’s because of the happy ending in the movie and not because I feel so utterly alone.
