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I don’t answer him. Instead, I ask, “Did you see Charlotte?”
I hear Theo sigh on the other end of the line. “Yes.”
The fact that he doesn’t go into detail about his visit makes me think it didn’t go well. “What did she say?”
“She turned us down for Christmas, saying something about wanting to be available to her clients.”
I remember her giving that same reasoning for Thanksgiving. There probably was some truth to it, but a part of me also believes that had I done better by her, we might’ve spent it together. Now she and I are both alone. I could go to my parents, but at this point, I think I’ll just sit Christmas out.
“What about the check? Did she take it?” I ask.
“I left it there for her, but I don’t know what she did with it. You will have to check your bank account to see if she cashed it.”
“Is she still angry?” I ask, even though it’s a stupid question. Of course she’s angry.
“According to Madeline, I’m not very good about issues of the heart, but to my mind, yes, she’s angry and hurt. If you love her, Oliver, you need to come back. She loves you.”
My heart does a little flip in my chest. “Did she say that?”
His long pause tells me that she didn’t. “Oliver, I don’t think she'd be the way that she is, if she didn’t love you. I encouraged her to reach out to you, but her response is that you left her. In her mind, you don’t want her.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, hating myself for making her feel unwanted. “I don’t have any right to ask her to take me back,” I say.
“Jesus, Oliver.” I hear frustration in his voice, and it makes me want to hang up the phone. My life sucks enough that I don’t need my brother to hassle me.
“You know, that may be true, but she’s the one to make that decision,” he says.
“You think I should just fly back there, beg her forgiveness, and have her tell me that she hates me now?”
“Well, yeah, because you owe that to her for one. But it’s possible she’ll forgive you.”
We’re both silent for a moment but then Theo says, “Remember when I was on Joey Late Night a few months ago?”
“Yeah.” I wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but since we weren’t talking about my demolished love life, I figured I’d go with it.
“It might’ve not been obvious to everybody watching, but in that show, I was telling Madeline that I was in love with her. But I also knew when I walked off the set that night, it wasn’t going to be enough. I had to go to her and risk her smashing my heart to bits. And so right after that, I drove to Woodstock.”
“That’s different. You and Madeline are in love-”
“Yeah, but I didn’t know that then, Oliver. That’s the point. I knew I loved her, but I hadn’t told her. And I didn’t know how she felt about me. But I did it anyway because I couldn’t live with the idea of living the rest of my life wondering if I had only just reached out to her that I might have won her back. Lucky for me it turned out well. I can’t know how it will turn out for you, but I know you absolutely have to do it.”
I know he’s right, and yet, my heart doesn’t feel brave enough to risk the rejection. It’s another reminder that in many ways, Theo is a stronger person than I am emotionally.
When I don’t say something, Theo says, “Listen, fly out here and come with us to Woodstock for Christmas. At least we will be together as a family and then you can decide what you’re going to do next.”
I’m non-committal as we finish our conversation and hang up. There’s a part of me that is ready to get up, pack a bag, and book a flight back to New York. But the coward in me simply goes inside, grabs another beer and brings it back out to the deck. I decide that there is no better place to sit out Christmas than drinking beer on warm, non-festive, California beach.
