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Chapter Forty-Three
There was a soft knock at Leo’s bedroom door.
“Come in,” I called out unconsciously, expecting to see Leo standing in the doorway.
I sat in the center of the bed with my legs folded, my fingers running over the bandages that encompassed my damaged wrists. When no words were spoken, I looked up, surprised by who I found stepping inside and closing the door behind him.
“Hey, Eagle.”
He nodded, moving over to Macy’s bed and taking a cautious seat on the side, lowering himself slowly like he might break the small princess styled bed.
Eagle and I hadn’t had much interaction. I never really saw him using the club girl’s facilities, and he tended to do his own thing around the club, sitting quietly with a group of brothers or taking off on his bike and returning a few hours later with no clue to where he might have been.
“Have you ever heard of survivor guilt?” he asked, leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees.
I shook my head.
“When we lost our team, and Leo and I returned to the states, all I could think about was them. My teammates, my friends, and how they hadn’t been given the opportunity to return home with us,” he explained. “Here I was, joining the Brothers and gathering this whole new family and support network while their families were at home, mourning the loss of their sons and daughters and fathers and mothers and cousins.”
I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant because it was just how I was feeling. Here I was with these people who cared for me and wanted to support me, while Slider’s sister and her family had missed out.
“I adored Slider. He made me laugh and was always a friendly face when I first moved here,” I explained. “But you all knew him so much better than I did. He really was a part of your family, and I feel like I stole him away because he chose to give his life for me.”
He nodded as though he understood what I was saying and strangely, I felt like he did.
“Tell me about the nightmares,” he requested, tilting his head a little to the left, showing off the tattoo that crawled up the side of his neck.
I inhaled a deep breath before explaining the dream that was playing over and over, haunting me the past few nights. Eagle listened intently, no sign of surprise or deep emotion on his features.
When I was done, his response was instant. “Watching your dad die wasn’t easy.”
I frowned. “Of course not. It was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever had to do. To live without him. He was my hero.”
“And he left you behind feeling like the burden had fallen on your shoulders to keep his name alive, especially when your mother married someone new,” he said as though he had a history book on my life and had studied it for years. “Slider saved you and once again you watched your hero die, and you were left to deal with the aftermath.”
My eyes slowly grew wider as I took in his words. His body language seemed so relaxed, but it was the tightness in his face that told me differently. He knew what I was going through, he’d felt it himself, that much I could tell. It hurt him to discuss these things, but he was doing it because he knew it might help me.
“It’s never easy watching someone you care for pass away,” he continued. “It’s natural to wonder, why them? Why was it their time and why was I left on earth to deal with the aftermath of their loss.”
His words spoke to my heart. That was exactly how I was feeling. I kept wondering why I was still here? Why was it Slider’s time to leave and not mine?
“You want to know why you are still here?” Eagle asked as though he had read my thoughts.
My heart thumped in my chest, and I wanted to reach out to him, plead for him to explain, desperate for some kind of comfort to ease the pain and guilt inside.
“You’re here for Leo,” he answered, looking me dead in the eyes. My heart skipped a beat. “My brother was broken, he’s been through so much pain in his life, never thinking that he could love again. Then he found you.”
I couldn’t stop the tears that trickled down my cheeks, one of my hands clutching the blanket under me.
“If you’d have died, I don’t know whether Leo would have survived. And he needs to be here for Macy. If he’d have lost you, she’d have lost him.” His fists clenched as though he could feel his brother’s pain coursing through his body. “Mourn the loss of the people you care for, but don’t let it consume you. Don’t drown yourself in guilt because you still have your life and they don’t.”
“I don’t know how to do that.” I sniffed, wiping away the tears that blurred my eyes.
“You remember that their purpose was done, yours is not,” he said, his voice quiet as he pushed to his feet. “Your purpose is Leo and Macy. They need you.”
I watched as Eagle walked toward the door, his hand reaching out for the handle.
“Eagle?” I called after him, causing him to freeze. “You survived too. So what was your purpose?”
