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‘Are you not attracted to me anymore?’ he said, glancing down to scrutinise his stomach. ‘Isthatit?’
His looks weren’t the issue. Six foot four and in good shape, I still found him attractive, but yet somehow the sexual connection was no longer there. Technically it didn’t make sense, but it’s how I felt, and it was really hard to explain. Even on the very rare occasions that we did try to get physical, it was, well, awkward. It didn’t feel right. Whatever we’d had in those early years had gone.
‘Rich,’ I said gently. ‘You’re a smart, handsome, amazing guy…’
‘Well, if I’msoamazing,’ he snapped, ‘then why do you want us to break up? Is there someone else? Is that it?’
‘No!’ I yelled. ‘Of course not! Where would I find the time for that? I can’t explain. It’s just…’
‘Well, that’s a relief at least, I guess,’ he interjected. ‘I don’t know how I’d cope with knowing that you’d been with another man. Well, maybe we can work on getting that spark back, then,’ he suggested. ‘What about trying counselling again?’
‘We tried that already, Rich. Twice. Each time, we said we’d work less, try going out and having fun and being more intimate. And each time, things would change for a couple of weeks and then they went back to normal.’Stick with your gut. Stay strong, Soph. Stay strong.‘No, Rich,’ I insisted. ‘I’m sorry. It’s too late.’ His face fell.
‘You mentioned that we’ve been together fifteen years but aren’t married,’ he said, perking up like he’d suddenly had a brainwave. ‘I didn’t think you were into the whole fairy-tale wedding thing, but if it helps, we can get married…’
‘Seriously, Rich?’ I said, eyes widening with disbelief. ‘You think getting married is going to solve this? Getting married would be adisaster. Look, I know you’re trying to think of a solution, and believe me when I say that this isn’t at all easy for me, nor is it a decision I’ve taken lightly. If we’re honest, we’ve both known for years that things haven’t been right. That’s why we tried the counselling, and when it didn’t work, I just kept pushing my feelings to the back of my mind because I was too busy to process it properly and found it too daunting to face the thought of losing you. But I can’t do it anymore. As painful as this is, I have to face the fact that it’s over. I’m so, so sorry.’
He sat down on the corner of the bed in a daze. He looked totally crushed, like I’d just taken a pair of ten-inch Louboutins, plunged them into his heart and slowly rotated the heels round and around and around. On a scale of one to ten, with ten signifying feeling like a total and utter shitbag, I was currently off the scale at about a hundred. This was truly awful. I feel like the worst, most evil woman in the entire world.
Rich put his head in his hands, exhaled deeply and then got up, straightening his towel around his waist.
‘Soph, like you said, I’ve known you a long time, and when you get that look in your eye, you’ve made up your mind and you won’t budge. So that tells me you’re serious. This time, it really is over.’ He paused again, as if he was searching deep down for the strength to speak. ‘Despite me being totally and utterly devastated and feeling like everything I’ve known and loved for the past fifteen years has just come crashing down around me, even though I think you’re making a mistake, I realise that I will just have to accept your decision and somehow find a way to move on. You don’t want me anymore, so I will pack a bag now and go. I’ll message you once I’ve got my head straight to arrange a time to come and get the rest of my stuff.’
He walked towards me, leant forward, then kissed me gently on the forehead.
‘Goodbye, Soph,’ he muttered. And then he was gone.
My reading on the shitometer was now rocketing into the thousands.
It was the end of an era.
No more Sophia and Rich.
I am free, I am single and I am officially way out of my comfort zone.
Fuck.
