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His kisses weren’t as wet as normal, and as his hands started to wander south, I could feel myself getting mildly turned on…shit. I suppose we could talk afterwards? After all, I hadn’t thought about how to broach the subject and I needed to do it delicately. Maybe I should carry on as normal today, go home tonight, plan what I was going to say and then call him tomorrow to arrange a time to meet up on Tuesday to tell him how I felt? Or I could do it tomorrow? Fuck. I just didn’t know what to do…
Before I knew it, we were upstairs kissing on the bed and he was running through his foreplay routine. He climbed on top, stared at me longingly, then hurriedly reached into his side drawer, pulled out a condom, peeled off my dressing gown and went straight for it.
As we rocked back and forwards, my mind started to wander. If I told him how I felt tomorrow, this would probably be the last time we ever slept together. I could suggest we have something more casual, but I didn’t think he’d agree. Anyway, I was missing the point. Even if itwasmore casual, why would I still want to keep seeing him when the sex was just okay and we didn’t have enough of a connection?
Charlie finished with an almighty roar like he was coming for England, ScotlandandWales. We lay there for a few minutes, then he pulled out and lay beside me.
I don’t think I can do it.I couldn’t look him in the eyes at lunch and make polite conversation for the rest of the day, knowing that I was thinking about putting things on hold.
I glanced at him from head to toe. The condom was on the sheet beside him. He took that off quickly.
I stared at the ceiling. This felt wrong. We shouldn’t have slept together. Horny or not, I should have insisted that we talk first. I couldn’t delay this anymore. It wasn’t fair to string him along. I needed to tell him how I feel. Not next week, not tomorrow. I needed to do it now. Planning what to say was nice, but I was learning that sometimes you couldn’t control these things. No matter how I said it, it was going to hurt.
‘Charlie,’ I said, sitting up in bed and turning to face him. ‘You know you’ve been talking a lot lately about meeting your parents?’ I said cautiously.
‘Yes!’ he said, bolting up in the bed, clearly excited by the idea. ‘I can’t wait!’
‘Well, you see, that’s the thing,’ I said, softening my voice. ‘I’m just not sure it’s a good idea right now.’
‘Look,’ he said, stroking my face. ‘There’s no need to be nervous. I know sometimes I paint them as being a little harsh and judgemental, particularly my father, but I’m sure they’ll love you like I do and will welcome you to the family with open arms.’
Wait. Did he say he loved me? Probably just a turn of phrase. And welcome me to the family? That definitely sounds serious.
‘I just…’Come on, Sophia, spit it out. ‘What I mean is, it’s, it’s too soon. Premature, in fact.’
His face dropped. Then he froze as if his brain was trying to process my comments. After what felt like an eternity, but in truth was only a few seconds, he broke his silence.
‘What do you meantoo soon?’ he scoffed. ‘We’ve been dating for months, have amazing sex and we spend every weekend together when I’m not travelling. I’ve showered you with all your favourite things and lots of compliments and affection. What’s the problem?’ The confusion in his voice was now turning into irritation. ‘I thought women liked to meet their partner’s parents, so that they could demonstrate the severity of their intentions. The fact that one is ready to make a commitment?’ he said, frowning.I was right. He is definitely looking to settle down. Shit. I’m not ready.
‘That’s not always the case, Charlie,’ I pointed out. ‘Every woman is different. I’m just…I need time to think about what I really want. I feel like I’ve come from one long-term relationship and am leaping headfirst into another one too quickly. I don’t want to hurt you, but I need to be honest.’
Silence. Once again, he seemed to be trying desperately to get his head around everything I’d said.
‘Okay, Sophia. It’s fine,’ he said finally. ‘I don’t want to rush you. If you need time, I can give you that. Perhaps you should go. Lunch is in the oven. Take it with you. I’ll arrange a car to drive you home.’
I saw tears forming in his eyes as he picked up his boxers from the floor, put them on hurriedly and scurried to the en suite.
My heart sank. I really didn’t want to hurt him.
I picked up the clothes I’d left on the chair last night, pulled my dress over my head, stepped into my knickers and tights, then scrunched my bra into my hand. I walked to the bathroom door and knocked gently.
‘Charlie?’ I called. ‘I’m going now. Are you okay?’
Still silence.
‘Charlie,’ I said softly. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought I needed to be honest. It just wouldn’t be right to meet your parents knowing I was feeling this way. Do you understand? I need to think about things. Try and work out if I’m ready for something serious. Charlie?’ I called out again. ‘Are you listening? Can you hear me?’
‘Fine,’ he snapped. ‘I said I’d give you time, didn’t I?’
I could hear anger and frustration in his voice. He’d never sounded like that before. He was always so calm, so nice, so sweet.
‘Just go!’ he shouted. ‘The driver’s downstairs waiting.’
‘But I need to know you’re okay,’ I replied a little taken aback.
‘I said I’mfine!’ he snarled.
‘Okay, Okay, I’ll leave you alone. Sorry again,’ I replied.
