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But just look at the rewards. I had a beautiful three-storey, four-bedroom townhouse in Clapham, complete with a state-of-the-art home office, plus a dream dressing room filled with all the designer clothes, shoes and handbags any woman could ask for. I’ll admit, the house had become more like a place to sleep and eat in between going to and from work, whereas when I’d bought it, I had hoped to do more exciting things there, like throw dinner parties and have my friends stay over. But, no one’s life is perfect.
Idefinitelywas happy though.Icontrolled my destiny. I could do what I wanted and go away whenever I liked. I mean, it had been a while since I’dactuallybeen on holiday, but technically, if I wanted to, Icould. Well, preferably around the Easter, May, August and Christmas bank holidays, though, to minimise time out of the office…
And Ididenjoy myself. I had agreattime with my family at Christmas. Remember I told you all about it? I might have made my excuses and gone up to my old bedroom with my laptop straight after dinner, to get a head start on brainstorming the new fragrance account we’d just won, rather than relax with everyone in the living room, but I wanted to get my ideas down whilst they were still fresh.
So maybe I needed to work on the having fun/happiness bit, butlove? I hadthatpoint covered. IlovedRich. I knew himsowell. He was kind and a wonderful friend. Yes, definitely a great companion. I mean, we’d had those wobbles in the past, which I told you all about, and we didn’t have sex, kiss or do anything physical anymore, but that was normal in a long-term relationship, right? And there was always so much to do at work, and I was always tired and busy and…
Shit.
He’s right.
Albert’s words rang like sirens in my ears.
‘Life is short. You only live once. You must enjoy. If you are not happy, you must do something to change it…rappelle-toithat it is happiness andamour, not work, that are the most important.’
How did I not realise it before? It seemed so obvious. I’d been on a treadmill—so focused on the business, being the best and carving out this amazing career that I’d lost sight of everything else. I’d constantly put work before my family, friends, my relationship, my well-being. In fact, my whole fucking life.
Was I actuallyinlove or did I just love the stability of having Rich around? If I was honest with myself, we became more like brother and sister or flatmates every day.
There was no passion. Despite sleeping in the same bed every night, I could barely remember the last time Rich and I had even shared a peck on the lips, never mind anything else.
It had been so long since I’d had sex, I was pretty sure my virginal status had been automatically restored. I was thirty-eight, not ninety-eight. Surely I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to having fun in the bedroom already?
Rich was comfortable, safe and predictable. And up until I received the call from Henri last week, that had all been okay. But now, thinking about Albert’s last words, I was beginning to feel like I couldn’t live like this anymore.
Albert had been right all along. I wasn’t living. I was existing.
I wasn’t working to live and enjoy life. I was living to work.
If I kept going on like this, it could bemewho found myself in an early grave. And what would I have done with my life? Yes, I would have built a successful business, but was that enough? Was that what I really wanted? What about fun and true happiness? And kids? I’d always said I’d like to have at least one. But had I left it too late?
Fuck. This was a big wake-up call. Far from being idyllic like everyone always assumed, in fact my life was a mess. But at least I’m still alive.
As Albert warned me, life is short, so I couldn’t waste any more time. I needed to make some big decisions. Yes. Things had to change drastically. And fast.
