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Actually, let’s be realistic. Maybe a week. Ireallylike chocolate…
Yes. Some passion would be pretty amazing. Not sure how likely this is though, as the guys my age are probably all chasing twenty-one-year-olds with legs up to their armpits and breasts the size of two helium balloons.
Nope, don’t care. I want it, so it’s staying on the list.
Okay, what’s next?
4) Go on an educational holiday
Oh yes, this one is one hundred percent needed too. I’m lucky enough to travel to Paris, Milan, LA and New York a fair bit for work to see clients or for press launches, but outside of this, apart from going to France to visit Albert and Marie (around the Easter or May bank holidays, of course), one of the only times I do go somewhere for pleasure is for my birthday. The thing is, though, these past few years, everything has become so monotonous:
Go to a posh country hotel (typically in the UK). Have a fancy dinner. Return to room. Both feign tiredness to avoid the awkwardness of not having sex in the huge four-poster bed. Wake up. Have breakfast, then maybe have a couple of spa treatments. Meet Rich at reception, drive home marvelling all the way at howwonderfulit is to get away from London. Howrefreshedwe both feel and gush about the fact that wereally should do this more often. Zzzzzzz…
Yes, yes, I know.Poor me. I should hire the the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra to play millions of violins in sympathy. Talk about first world problems.
The thing is, though, as amazing as it is and as fortunate as I know I am (and trust me, having worked non-stop for the past fourteen years to earn this lifestyle, I reallydoappreciate it), after a while, whether it costs five or five hundred pounds, when you’ve done something year in, year out, even the nicest treats can feel dull. That’s why a lot of rich people are often miserable.
Last year I was so bored that I vowed that this year I would stimulate my brain and do something different. Maybe visit a place I haven’t been to before (preferably somewhere warm, though) on a photography course, or learn to paint? I’m not quite sure what or where yet, but I’m determined to do this for my birthday in April.
On the subject of birthdays, I’d also like to…
5) Throw a party
I had one for my thirtieth but was so stressed about making everything perfect, as if I was organising a client event, that I forgot to actually enjoy myself. If I did it again and could manage to switch off the perfection button, that would be fantastic. I could invite my friends and family and show them I haven’t completely forgotten how to have a good time.
Looking forward to it already.
6) Look into adoption
Now I’m approaching thirty-nine at lightning speed, as the newspapers keep telling me (and have been since I was thirty-five), I have a better chance of winning the EuroMillions jackpot (around 1 in 116,531,800), than having my own child naturally.
Of course my family (notably my mum) has been banging on about my ticking biological clock for donkey’s years. At the time I thought I still had ages to worry about all that. As far as I was concerned, I had the perfect partner, so it was just a question ofwhenrather thanif.But then we won one big account after another, one year rolled into the next, and before I knew it I was thirty-eight and sounding like the stereotypical, much maligned ‘career woman’ who had put work ahead of starting a family. Except it wasn’t that cut and dried.
A few months ago, I’d even contemplated discussing it again with Rich, but he too was wrapped up in his work, which had become increasingly demanding. If I wasn’t mistaken, having a baby meant that we had to actuallydo the deed, and lately that’s been as likely to happen as Kit Harrington ringing my doorbell at 1 a.m., asking if I’d be up for a booty call.
Plus, the more I started to question our relationship and realise that Rich and I no longer had a romantic connection, the more it seemed wrong to consider having a child together.
But I won’t sit around waiting to find a man to try and fertilise eggs that the media tell me may be past their ‘best-before’ date. I’ll take things into my own hands, go and see a specialist and look at my options as a (soon-to-be) single woman. Maybe I could still look into the IVF route using a sperm donor? Or perhaps a surrogate? I need to get the facts and find out what is both feasible and right for me. Either way, I’ll start looking into things. Yep, that’s going on the list.
7) Have fun/live life to the full
Last and by no means least, whatever I do, wherever I go, whoever I meet, I’m always going to try to make the most of the situation. To embrace it and live life to the full. I know it’s a bit of a catch-all point, but I’m self-aware enough to admit that I can be a bit uptight and rigid at times. So I recognise that I need to relax a tad, try not to overanalyse everything and go with the flow more.
Within reason, of course, though, as planning helps me feelsomuch better. The mere thought of disorganisation makes me want to break out in a cold sweat. You know, like when paper and pens aren’t lined up straight on a desk, or when the cushions aren’t equally spaced on the sofa (don’t you just hate that?). But Icando this. Iwilldo this!
Yes. I will make ‘living life to the full’ the mantra I follow at all times.
I proudly set the pen aside on the table, took another sip of my wine, then flicked backwards through the pages until I reached the beginning of my notes. I read over the seven points again. How amazing it would be if I could achieve everything in the next twelve months, so that by the first anniversary of Albert’s passing, I could show him that I’d taken his comments on board and really started living my life?
Exhaling deeply, I felt a rush of satisfaction, followed by excitement and then a twinge of fear as the reality of the challenges that lay ahead, hit me.
All this in one year?
Abso-fucking-lutely! No more hiding. No more existing. This wasn’t going to be easy. Particularly for a creature of habit like me. But in honour of my dearest Albert, I was determined to tick off every single one of those goals and make him proud.
And if I was going to really begin living, now I’d made these big decisions, I had to tackle the most difficult ones straight away.
First (and possibly the hardest) to address? Point number 2: End my relationship with Rich.
