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‘So what happened on date number three on Thursday?’ asked Roxy.
‘Well, he took me to Rumpus Room—you know, the really cool rooftop bar at the top of the Mondrian that has stunning views of London? Anyway, there I was thinking that maybe he’d chosen a bar that was attached to a hotel because he thought it might be a nice neutral place for us to spend the night together. You know, have a few drinks and then subtly invite me to check out the view from his room downstairs. But nothing.’
‘So there was norumpy pumpyin the Rumpus Room, then! Ha ha’ shrieked Roxy. ‘Sorry—I couldn’t resist! I love that bar, and there’s plenty of places there or in the cosy lift going up to the rooftop for a cheeky little snog. That’s so odd! And you’ve sent me quick pics of your outfits each time and you’ve looked hot. Are you sure he’s not gay?’
‘No—of course not!’ I said, surprised at the suggestion. Then I started to consider her comment. ‘Well, at least I don’t think so…’
‘For all you know, Soph, you could be his beard. Maybe he only gets full access to the Cromwell billions when he’s married and produces a child. You hear all about that kind of shit going on in those mega rich families.’
‘You’re crazy, Roxy!’ I scoffed.
‘Okay, maybe it was just in a film I watched ages ago where the guy had a month to find a wife or he lost his inheritance, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen in real life,’ suggested Roxy.
‘Although he did say his dad would be stepping down in a couple of years and he’d expect him to take over, I doubt that’s true in this case,’ I reasoned.
‘You never know, Soph,’ added Roxy, reviving her conspiracy theory. ‘Maybe he’s on borrowed time, needs a wife and thought, “If I hook up with a pauper, she’ll be so grateful to experience my ten-star champagne lifestyle that she’ll forget about all the sex stuff as she’ll be too busy shopping on Bond Street or Fifth Avenue”.’
‘That’s a bit far-fetched, Roxy, and Soph is hardly a pauper!’ added Bella.
‘And as you well know, I’ve had plenty of practice buying my own shit on Bond Street. Not interested anymore, thank you very much!’ I said.
‘Sorry, love, but even with your million-pound business and swanky Clapham townhouse, compared to him we’re all hard up. And frankly, the only way you’ll know whether he’s gay or not is if he can get it up when you’re standing there in front of him butt naked.’
‘Roxy!’ screamed Bella. ‘You’re more direct than a bloody high-speed train from London to Manchester!’
‘Just saying!’ Roxy said, letting out one of her raucous laughs. ‘Or, if that’s too X-rated for you at this stage and you want something more PG or perhaps 18, then you need to get snogging, let your hands wander and see whether he has something stiff in his trousers and is happy to see you, or if it’s limper than a dead fish down there.Thenyou’ll know.’
‘Fuck. Looks like I’m going to need to take the lead and make the first move yetagain.’
‘Call me old-fashioned,’ said Bella, ‘but have you ever consideredtalkingto him and trying to gauge how he feels? For example, do you know what happened with his last relationship or how long they went out for or why they broke up? I know it sounds weird, but do you think he’s even had sex before? Maybe he’s religious and doesn’t believe in sex before marriage or something.’
‘What?’ I said, shocked at the mere suggestion. ‘He’s forty-two. Of course he’s had sex!’
‘Good point, Bella,’ said Roxy. ‘Soph, have you never watched the filmThe 40-Year-Old Virgin?’ asked Roxy.
‘Years ago, butcome on. He’s handsome, loaded and sometimes heisforward and a bit flirty. Like he didn’t seem nervous about asking me out in the first place. He only seems to get nervous and bumbly when he’s talking about money stuff or work, as you get the sense he doesn’t want to flaunt it. Idefinitelydon’t think he’s a virgin. Or gay for that matter.’
‘Well, then, like you said, Soph, once again you’ll need to take the lead and grab the bull by the horn, quite literally.’ She cackled again. ‘In all seriousness, though, Bella has a point. Speak to him, try and find out a bit more about him and his sex life.’ Bella and I frowned in unison. ‘Okay, okay, his past relationships. And if you’ve also turned up the flirting dial and all that doesn’t work, then when he goes for that ridiculous peck on the cheek that he probably gives his Aunty Mildred, turn your face so your lips meet and then go in for the kill. When are you seeing him again?’
‘He wants to meet for brunch tomorrow. Hence why I needed to see you guys tonight, because if I don’t get a snog or preferably more than that soon, I think I’m going to explode. Vincenzo left me feeling more sexually frustrated than ever, and there’s only so much DIY a girl can do!’I added cheekily.
‘Sophia!’ shrieked Roxy before laughing. ‘And you guys thinkI’mcrude! I am with you on that, though. When you’re having to charge your Rabbit more frequently than your mobile phone, you know you’re in trouble!’
‘Exactly!’ I shouted in agreement. ‘I’m absolutelygaspingfor some male contact, preferably for longer than ten seconds too. Like Bella said, Lorenzo awoke the lioness within me and not to put too fine a point on it, I’ve been dying for it ever since. It’s been sooo bloody long since my engine has had a proper service. If I leave it any longer, it might cease up completely!’
‘Hilarious!’ said Roxy, cackling. ‘Well, although your Vincenzo encounter was short and far from sweet, at least you got a seat at the table. First you had a selection of tasty starters with Lorenzo and then—well, I guess we’ll need to say a mini-starter with Vincenzo too as we can’t really callthatperformance a main course.’
‘Definitelynot!’ I said, closing my eyes as I relived the disappointing encounter in my head.
‘Don’t worry, hon, you’ll be fine,’ said Roxy reassuringly. ‘Oh, talking of Lorenzo, did you ever hear back from him?’
‘Nope. Nothing. Last time we had contact was a couple of months ago, when I invited him to Savour London. He said he’d get back to me and never did, so that’s that,’ I said, feigning nonchalance when in truth my heart was sinking. ‘Anyway,’ I said, trying not to waste any more time talking about Lorenzo. ‘Back to Charlie. So it’s a case of taking charge, then, you reckon?’
‘Yep. Looks that way,’ said Roxy. ‘Where are you going tomorrow?’
‘He hasn’t confirmed yet,’ I replied.
‘So now you’ve met him a few times and we know who he is and where to find him, why don’t you suggest staying in?’ said Bella. ‘Either he comes to yours for an early dinner rather than brunch, or he could invite you to his mansion slash palace, slash stately home, or wherever he lives. That way he’ll be more relaxed, you’ll be alone and then you can talk and act freely. Maybe he’s just shy.’
