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We spend nearly an hour shopping. I feel good about how I loosen up a bit, but I’m not going to be a return customer. Some of the items in here are interesting, but I might do some online research first. If I decide to buy anything, I’m going to do it from the comfort of my own apartment without any onlookers.
We stand around at the checkout while Ruby buys several things, both as Morgan’s gift and for herself.
“You know what we should do?” Gia offers as we wait. “We should have one of those sexy toy parties. You know, the ones that come to your house and show you all the toys and tell you how to use them. Then you just buy them from the rep who comes.”
Morgan’s face lights up. “Oh, like a Pampered Chef party but for sex?”
Gia nods, happy with her idea. “That’s exactly what I’m thinking.”
“I think I know a gal who could hook us up,” Ruby chirps from in front of us.
“Of course you do, Rubes,” I tell her with a laugh.
Back in the car, finally heading back to my place for a girls’ night in, we turn up the music and do what ladies do best—belt out lyrics to our favorite girl-power songs. Morgan isn’t really into going out on the town, so we decided that a night in would be the perfect way to celebrate one of Morgan’s last nights unmarried.
Halfway through one of the songs, Ruby turns to me. “I know the topic of sex makes you uncomfortable, Bern, but did anything in there catch your eye?”
Taking a moment to think, I go with the truth. “Maybe a little, but I really wouldn’t know what to do with any of it.”
Ruby’s mouth pops open. “Wait, does that mean…? Does that mean you don’t own a vibrator?”
I shake my head.
“Oh. My. God. For real? So what do you do, just use your fingers?” She leans toward me, propping her elbow on the middle console, looking like she’d like to have a tub of popcorn for the story she’s expecting me to divulge.
“Uh…” It’s all I can manage. Over the years, the four of us have spent hours upon hours on girl talk. From work to relationships, to family life, we’ve talked about it all. But I’ve somehow never managed to share these intimate details about myself.
Ruby’s eyes widen with shock. “Wait. Do you not get yourself off?”
Right as she says this, the song ends. And I kid you not—crickets.
While I know Ruby would keep my secret if I asked her too, she will want to loop Gia and Morgan in eventually. Ruby thrives on getting the tea, and this is for sure a tea party she wants the girls to attend. So, it’s only a matter of time. Maybe, I’ll just have Ruby share what I just confessed so I don’t have to again.
I lean my head into the cool window and sigh.
The music doesn’t come back on, so I’m guessing this is now a thing.
“What did we miss?” Gia asks, concern lacing her tone.
“Apparently, our girl Bernie doesn’t masturbate,” Ruby says.
“Yeah, we heard that part.” This is from Morgan, who has turned back to look at me. “Bern, there’s no need to be embarrassed. We’re your best friends. What’s going on?”
My cheeks feel hot, but I push through it. She’s right, these are my best friends. If I can’t talk to them about masturbation, what can I talk to them about? The weather?
I tell them, “I’m not really good at it, so I just don’t do it. And no, I don’t own a vibrator. It’s not that I have anything against them. I just wouldn’t know what to do with it.”
Ruby snorts. “I mean, we all know what you’re supposed to do with a vibrator.”
I guess I didn’t explain myself right, but I join in with the rest of the laughing. “I know the point of one. I just don’t know how to use it.”
“That’s it!” Gia cries “We most definitely have to throw one of those sex toy parties. Our girl’s sexual health depends on it!”
Well, this conversation wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be.
Ruby studies me with those calculating eyes of hers. I know Ruby better than anyone, so I know I should be worried about what’s about to come out of her mouth.
“While I agree with you, G, I also think we could help her out in the meantime. I’m gonna send you some links. You’ll read and watch what I send you, order some stuff, and then you’ll be on your way to happily-ever-after orgasms by next week.”
I blink.
Uh, wait. What?
I replay Ruby’s words and realize she decided to make my little problem a personal challenge. Luckily for myself, I’ve managed not to tell her my biggest secret of all. I’m keeping that close my heart, that’s for sure.
