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CHAPTER 14
RAIDEN
The drive up to Grimlark took forever, the minutes passing agonising. When Gunnar had phoned late last night, I’d dropped everything. Lily was non-negotiable.
If there was any possibility, even the slightest chance of ever seeing her again, I‘d take it without thought or question. Gunnar knew that. He’d been by my side all throughout her disappearance and everything that had happened since. He’d seen my lows and heard my drunken ramblings. He was the only person who understood what I felt when it came to her.
I glanced at the clock again. Insanity inched closer with every second ticking by. I didn’t know whether she was dead or alive and it killed me. They were out there, searching. Gunnar and a bunch of Grimlark warriors. It wasn’t enough. My knee bobbed up and down as I glanced towards the car behind us. It was ours, a black SUV carrying a small group of warriors I’d assembled, the best trackers I could find on such short notice.
The constant throb in the back of my skull pulsed. It had gotten worse over the last three hours or so. Closing my eyes, I leaned back into the chair and rubbed little circles into my temples. Gunnar told me what Mia had done. If Lily was dead, it would be on her, his mate. No. Stop. I shook my head, making the pain shoot into my eye sockets. I couldn’t afford to think that way. Mia had no choice in the matter and acted in self-defence.
It just didn’t make sense, none of it did. What the hell was she doing there in the first place? How had she ended up that far north? Gunnar had explained in disturbing detail what Lily looked like when he saw her. He also mentioned that she hadn’t seemed to recognize him. Was that why she’d attacked him? Maybe she was just frightened; confused. If that was, in fact, the case and Mia killed her for it then - I stopped myself. She’s not dead. They're going to find her.
Both of my knees were jumping now. I would go out of my mind, I was sure of it. Pressing my back deeper into the leather seat, I rubbed a hand over my face and stared out the window. I didn't sleep at all last night. Even though my driver had instructed me to do so several times, I simply couldn’t make myself. My mind raced, a thousand scenarios playing out in my head, all of them ending with Lily’s broken body drifting down the gorge.
An image of Lily, lifeless and washed out on a lonely riverbank popped into my mind. I couldn’t take this anymore. It was torture. In desperate need of a distraction, I pulled my phone from my back pocket, unlocking it and watching the tiny screen light up. Nothing. No missed calls, not even a single new notification. They hadn’t found her yet.
My eyes found the clock again and I growled, slamming my fist into the chair in front of me. The driver didn’t flinch, and I wouldn’t care if he did either. I’d requested to travel alone in my car while the others followed behind for a reason. I needed space and quiet. I needed to calm the fuck down.
Opening the list of contacts I had pinned to the top of my phonebook, my thumb hovered over Hollow Stone’s number. They’d know. Cassius and Axel. My hand began to tremble and another throbbing ache shot through my temple as I remembered the last conversation I’d had with Axel only a few weeks ago.
“Still coming here?” The silence around me was broken by a familiar, deep voice.
I gazed up at him, my eyes meeting the same shade of baby blue I saw night after night in my dreams. It stung and I had to look away. Axel was the male version of Lily, their features so similar, it pained me to even look at him. I didn’t bother answering either.
We were under the Old Oak - the last place which held any trace of my Lily-flower. It had long since changed; the tree was bare in the cold of winter and various plants had been removed to make space for a small memorial plaque in remembrance of her.
I’d tried to stop them from erecting it, begging Hollow Stone to leave it be, that she wasn’t dead. I knew it in my gut and fought for her, but in the end, her packmates needed closure. They wanted to move on and have somewhere to put flowers whenever they thought of her.
Axel walked around the statue of a kneeling woman, supposed to represent Lily. The plaque lay in its lap with folds of cemented material surrounding it. It was a beautiful statue, but it’s mere existence, what it represented, agitated me.
Sitting with my back against the oak, knees propped up, I stared at it. My arms rested on top of my knees and one of Lily’s silver necklaces dangled from my fingers. It had been my favourite. She’d worn it all the time, knowing I loved it. I’d asked Axel for it in the early days of her disappearance, and he’d given it to me without protest. That was eight years ago.
At the end of the chain, a little silver heart dangled, a turquoise rhinestone in its centre. I sighed, closing my eyes and resting my head against the bark of the tree. Over the years, I’d grown used to the earth here, the smells and sounds of the forest. Even the shape of the tree had found its way into my nightmares.
I remained silent as Axel took a seat a few feet away from me. If there was one person on this earth who felt the loss of Lily as much as I did, it was him. Her twin. She’d left a huge, gaping hole in both of our lives, leaving us to build a puzzle with too many missing pieces. We had more questions than answers and no possible way of ever getting to them. It was a deadly loop of endless searching, doubting, and what-ifs.
We sat in silence for a long while before I spoke, fidgeting with the heart on Lily’s necklace. “My pack’s putting pressure on me to choose a Luna.” There. It was out. I’d finally said it, and hated the words that spilled from my mouth.
Axel shifted uncomfortably and exhaled a deep breath. “Yeah, I thought they would.”
Silence.
“It’s been eight years, Ray. She’s not coming back.”
His words were unexpected, harsh and my hands stilled around her silver chain. I turned to face him, but he was staring at the statue. A muscle feathered in his jaw.
“That’s not your call to make.”
He blinked quickly and turned his face away, looking into the forest. I didn’t want to give up on her, I couldn’t. Not now, not ever. My eyes travelled over Axel’s features, so similar to hers. If I’d only walked her home. If we’d only listened to the warnings of others. If…if…if... It was my burden to bear, and I’d be damned if I gave up on her so easily.
I could still recall her eyes shining with excitement as she snuggled into my chest that night. The way she’d laughed at Sala and Gunnar’s banter. The smell of her hair and the warmth of her body pressed up against mine. It hurt.
“I’ll send you a text in the morning”; the last words she’d ever spoken to me. Those eight words tormented me. They were the only solid ground beneath my feet, reassurance that she hadn’t run away. That she hadn’t chosen to leave me. My selfish heart preferred it that way; knowing wherever she was, she’d never planned on leaving me. That she still loved me and that we would one day, hopefully, find our way back to one another.
Bracing myself against the tree, I stood having had enough. I couldn’t take another word. I needed sleep, or a long break away from everyone.
“Raiden,” Axel said as I stepped away from the tree, slipping Lily’s silver chain back into my pocket, “you know it wasn’t your fault, right?”
I left without saying goodbye, knowing it was a lie.
