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BECKA
Streams of tears ran down my face spilling onto Arianna’s dress as she cradled my head in her lap in the back seat of the car. My heart was being stabbed over and over again at the memory of what happened while my body shook with back breaking sobs that crushed my chest.
When I’d looked up to see Luca’s handsome face pale with mortification my soul exploded like an atom bomb. He looked at his hands as if there was something filthy covering them that would never come clean. When our eyes met I could see he was lost, see that he was horrified.
I’d wanted to hurt him the way he’d hurt me, but in that moment I wished I could take it back.
I overflowed with regret. I’d stooped to his level and said things I didn’t mean because I’d been hurt. I let anger rule me, exactly how I accused him of being controlled. How was I ever going to soften his heart if I antagonized him with his demons? I knew I was right but that wasn’t the point. What he did was wrong on so many levels but instead of using his convictions to help him, I’d wielded them like a weapon. All I could think was, I’m not this person.
Walking through the club had been a wash of faces and lights as I weaved through, making my way to Arianna. I didn’t look at anyone as I let the crowd blur into nothing but a haze and welcomed the blinding lights as they cut across my vision. The only thing my mind couldn’t block out was the evidence of Luca running down my inner thighs. I'd texted Steven saying I needed to leave, after Arianna whispered a quick word to Matteo— who I refused to make eye contact with— she escorted me to my car where Steven waited.
“Shh,” Arianna cooed, stroking my hair as I spilled the whole story, hiccuping and sobbing with every breath. She listened in silence, letting me pour my heartache out like a dam breaking, relentless and unstoppable. When I finished my heart ached with hopelessness.
“Shh. Everything is going to be ok,” she soothed.
“After everything he still doesn’t trust me. I was so mad. I wanted to hurt him. I said things I don’t believe are true, at least not in the way it came out. Now, he is going to think that is really how I feel.” I hiccuped trying to catch my breath.
“Then he hit you? Bastard.”
“Not until I brought up his parents. I knew it would crush him. He is so torn inside, and I used it against him, knowing that it would hurt. He shouldn’t have hit me, but even now I want to forgive him.” I crushed my eyes shut as a fresh wave of tears spilled out. “Am I crazy?”
“No sweetheart, you’re not crazy. You’re just… you. The fiercest woman I know but you have the kindest, most forgiving heart.”
“I was so mad when he hit me. I felt so broken I couldn’t… didn’t even want to hit him back. I don’t know how to explain it. Like, why put up a fight for something you will never have?”
“Oh, if it wasn’t for the fact that we are talking about Luca, I would have Matteo kill the asshole. But I don’t think Matteo could kill Luca, even for me. Which is saying something.”
“I think I’m falling in love with him.” It came out as barely a whisper, nearly lost in the noise of tires rushing down the road. “Maybe God is punishing me for choosing to live and be his wife?”
“Don’t even say that. I don’t believe that and neither do you.”
“What if we can’t move past this? I don’t know if I can survive if our marriage turns into a frozen wasteland?”
“You said he looked mortified after he hit you. It’s because he knows what he did was wrong and that you were right. Matteo has never hit me, but I have never seen him madder than when I get close to a truth he doesn’t want to admit.” She squeezed my shoulder tight. “You drop-kicked the door open instead of politely knocking first.”
A bitter laugh escaped between hiccups making me smile. “What do I do now?”
“What do you always tell me? You have to have faith and remember that nothing is beyond hope. Talk to him, Becka.”
I stuffed my face into Arianna’s leg and cried until I felt as dry as the Mojave Desert. A headache stabbed at my brain and my body went limp with exhaustion. Admitting to Arianna that I was falling for Luca, was only half the truth. The reason my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest and set on fire was because I had already fallen, hard. Even with my face throbbing, I couldn’t deny it.
I love him.
The rest of the car ride continued in silence. I stayed clinging to Arianna’s comfort until the glow of familiar house lights spilled into the car windows. Even in the dark the house radiated warmth, but I could not soak in an ounce of its comfort. For several beats I couldn’t move, frozen as I stared out into the night at a home I was never meant to belong to. Reaching deep for every bit of fortitude I had left, I drudged up enough courage to open the door.
It felt like being back at day one, the unknown so overpowering it cast a blanket of numbing uncertainty over me, causing me to shiver. I’m scared. I wanted to scream it until it no longer had any debilitating effects. Tonight would have lasting outcomes. What they were; I couldn’t begin to unearth.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come home with me tonight?” Arianna squeezed my hand, looking helpless.
I managed a bitter smile. “I’m sure. Hiding from this is not going to solve it. Go back to the party. Matteo will like having you there, I’m sure.”
“He will understand if I don’t come back.”
“No. Really, it’s ok. But thank you.”
“Of course.” She pulled me in for a bone crushing hug. “If you change your mind, just call.”
“I will. Love you, girly.”
