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He started laughing again. “Holy shit you have a lot to learn. Look, as Underboss I’m a ruthless motherfucker, but with Arianna when we are alone, I tell her the things she needs to hear. I’m different with her. You have to learn how to flip the switch. If Becka is as amazing as you think, and you want something real then she needs to hear it. She is not some club hopping slut that wants nothing but dirty talk. Tell her how you feel.”
I leaned on the table and put my head in my hands. I’m in way over my head. I didn’t know if I possessed a switch to flip. Not dirty talk. Give her what she needs.
I’m so up shit creek.
“Look, Luca, you are my brother. I don’t care if you are falling for her, but I need to trust that you can do your job.”
My head shot up in anger, Matteo’s eyes were narrowed on me. “Have I ever let you down?”
“No. Never.”
“And I never will,” I promised him. Never.
* * *
It was just after two o'clock in the morning when I walked through my front door. I felt exhausted and knew I should go straight to my room for a shower and try to get some sleep before my early meeting at the docks.
Instead I found myself in front of Becka’s door. The night guard sat in a chair beside the door reading his book. “Is she asleep?”
“Her light went out around midnight. Haven’t heard a peep since.”
“What did she do all day?”
“James said she worked-out and explored the house.”
“My room as well?”
“Yes. James kept her out of your office, like you ordered.”
She was in my room. Did she sit on my bed?
I gave him a nod and reached for the handle.
Quietly, I snuck into Becka’s room feeling like a total creeper, knowing there was a risk that if she caught me, she might never trust me again. But I had to see her.
For a long time I stood next to the bed, just watching her sleep. Her slow, steady breathing calmed me. She laid on her side, facing me, her hair thrown up over the pillow. She looked like an angel, or some euphoric being too pure to be subjected to my presence.
I took a seat in the dark corner where I’d be completely hidden in the shadows.
My mind spun in a million different directions. The advice Matteo gave me was sound, but I had no idea about how to say the things Becka needed to hear. I lacked any experience of being gentle with my words or expressing affection.
My head fell back against the chair, staring at the ceiling.
Becka does not belong here. She does not belong with me.
I wanted her to be happy. She deserved to be happy. Becka should’ve been with a cookie cutter guy who came home without blood on his hands and would give her babies that grow up to be doctors. My kids would most likely end up following in their daddy’s footsteps, working for the Russos.
Yet, my own selfish desires hovered over me in a black cloud. She stirred things in me I couldn’t get enough of. Becka glowed like a light in my darkness that I didn’t know I needed, let alone wanted. My want to possess her proved to be stronger than my want for her to be free. The realization made me feel all the more of the monster I was.
Self loathing made my guts fill with acid and bile rise up my throat.
I made to get up and leave the room when I heard Becka moan in her sleep. Her breathing escalated as her body began to writhe under the sheets. She moaned again long and sated. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Is she having a sex dream?
“Luca.” My name rolled off her tongue in a breathy whisper.
Oh shit.
It took every last ounce of my self control to not jump up and attack her. She jolted awake and I froze. My erection strained against my fly so hard I thought my zipper would break.
