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BECKA
Iwoke the next morning feeling unrested. Dreams plagued every bit of my sleep.
Dreams of strong hands and soft kisses trailing down my body, heating my skin as they went lower and lower to where I’d been desperate. And Luca’s face, full of passion and need.
By the time I’d woken up my panties had been soaked and I was flushed from head to toe.
I pressed my palms to my forehead as I thought about what I had done after waking up. The question of how hypocritical I must be to get myself off rather than give into my own husband—who I desired—tormented me.
The only answer that made any sense was I was still afraid and unsure about so many things. Feelings for Luca were growing whether I nurtured them or not, and desire was there in bucket loads. But was it enough? Enough to cross that point of no return and risk my heart.
Guilt pressed down on me like an elephant sitting on my chest. I had given my word to be his wife and all that entailed. Keeping my word was more than just a standard I lived by, it defined me. And now, I was in a separate room denying him what I promised.
We have only been married two days!
My sanity began ripping apart slowly, a rope shredding under intense stress. I was going to have to give in soon. It was unavoidable no matter which way I looked at it. I was just going to have to go on faith that everything would be ok.
Please have mercy on my heart.
When I rolled over to look at the clock I panicked. I usually set an alarm on my phone— a phone I no longer possessed— and had forgotten to set an alarm on the clock. Arianna would be picking me up in less than an hour. I still needed to shower and get ready.
I sprang out of bed running for the bathroom.
In the shower I let my self-inflicted misery wash down the drain. Letting the water draw all the events from the past few days out of my system, like a night-sweat after drinking. I didn’t want my own dilemmas to ruin any more of Arianna’s wedding.
I didn’t have a single doubt that what transpired had already permanently tainted the experience as it was. I would put my own problems aside and try to make the next few days the best I could for her.
I finished getting dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, ankle boots and a cardigan just in time for Arianna to come crashing through the door.
I ran to her and we hugged. I could have stood there and held her all day.
My chest filled with warmth. It had only been two days since I saw her but it felt like an eternity. Alone, and unable to call the one person I could talk to about everything had been daggers stabbing at my fortitude. I felt tears coming on.
“Oh my gosh Becka it’s been torture not being able to talk to you! Are you ok?” she asked, squeezing me harder.
No.“Yes, I’m ok. I’m so glad you’re here.” Arianna cried into my shoulder while I choked back my tears.
She broke the hug and looked around. I could see what she was thinking before she even asked it. “Becka, you have your own room? He won’t let you sleep in his room? What the hell. Is he… using you?” Concern tinged her voice.
“No. He gave me my own room until I’m ready to… have sex with him.”
Her shoulders relaxed. “Ok, good. So, how has it been going?” She winced.
“This may take a minute.”
“We have all the time in the world.” She sat on the bed and patted the spot beside her.
I sat down next to her and spent the next fifteen minutes talking so fast I hardly came up for air. I told her everything. It felt so good to let it all fly out into the open. The weight of it lifted, making me feel I could breathe easily for the first time in days.
She sighed. “It sounds like he’s trying. I think the feelings are probably mutual, but he doesn’t know how to express them. Or he’s scared to.”
“Scared?” I scoffed.
“Scared that showing affection is him acting weak. That somehow having true feelings for you will make him weak.”
“That’s so stupid,” I growled.
“I know. But that’s the way most of the men look at it. But I think Luca is different, you just need to figure out a way to read him.”
