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He traced his fingers over the lace. “Looks like you have some ideas.”
“Let’s see. I still have some inventory left to check.” I nuzzled his neck. “Reports to file.” I kissed the corner of his mouth. “Articles to read.” I nibbled his lip.
“Hmm, I choose”—he shifted me to straddle his lap—“none of the above.”
“Right answer, Hero.”
He carried me to one of the bunks and stripped down to his boxer briefs, and we set about playing doctor all over again.
* * *
It waseasy to avoid talking to TJ on Monday, and then again on Tuesday, given how busy he was with overseeing the integration of the various teams he was bringing in for the dragnet operation. But by Wednesday, I had to admit to myself I was avoiding the very important conversation we needed to have. I caught up with him in his office right after the team’s morning briefing.
“Have a minute?” I asked.
He leaned back in his chair. The circles around his eyes and stubble on his jaw underscored the obvious: he was exhausted. “For you, always.”
I closed the door behind me. His eyes tracked the movement, but he didn’t mention it. He motioned for me to sit. I hesitated, entertaining the idea of dropping my resignation bomb then running from the room. Instead, I sat down, crossed my legs, and settled in. Despite coming to loggerheads much of the past week and a half, TJ and I were old friends, trusted colleagues, and for HEAT purposes, crew mates. I owed him my best, most honest self.
“I know why you’re here,” he said. “I told X she didn’t need to come here Saturday to deliver your suspension in person.”
I held up a hand. “It’s not about that. I know full well X is devoted to her protocols, and even you wouldn’t be able to get her to bend on sidelining me.”
He furrowed his brow. “I didn’t like her method of delivery, but I think you misunderstand my position on this.” He leaned forward and clasped his hands together on top of his desk. “You and I, each in our own way, we hold their lives in our hands.” He nodded toward the main room. “What you did was reckless and dangerous, not just for you, but for them. I might have blamed your behavior at the deli on your concussion. Sloane said it can take a couple of weeks for a concussed patient to return to normal. But there’s no excuse for a HEAT operative, and a non-field operative at that, going to a murder scene without backup. I’ve tried to be gentle, to give you time to come to me, but damnit Bond, you need to enlighten me. What the hell were you thinking?”
He had blindsided me and derailed my prepared speech about my resignation. I spread my hands wide, trying to remember exactly what I had been thinking. That time was of the essence? That Chad was a known quantity? That the trackers on my medical bag and my phone would keep me on HEAT’s radar? But I’d already explained all that to TJ, and we both knew it didn’t add up to a good enough reason to be so reckless, especially since we’d learned about the Carbonados Group months ago.
“I don’t belong here,” I finally said. “To tell you the truth, TJ, that’s what I was thinking.”
He arched an eyebrow and sat back in his chair, taking a moment before he spoke. “You can’t be serious. You’re the best field surgeon in the agency. Hell, in any agency. The team depends on you. I depend on you.”
This was not the reaction I’d expected. “I wasn’t thinking clearly, even before my concussion. Maybe I haven’t been thinking clearly for a long time.” I took a deep breath, wondering whether I should admit everything, then reminded myself this was my friend as well as my boss. “TJ, do you know what I did on the day Evan and I escaped those Carbonados goons? I gave up. I didn’t pay attention to where we were going. I didn’t ask questions about what we were doing. I didn’t give another thought to trying to contact HEAT. I didn’t even think about whether the tracker I’d put on Evan’s laptop was still working. I just...” It was hard to explain. “I just rested. I was so tired, and I dropped my end of the rope. No one could find me. No one could call me into work. No one was depending on me.”
“You’re burned out, Bond. We’re all feeling some level of it with the Carbonados threat hanging over our heads.”
“I am,” I agreed. “But also, I think I’m in the wrong place at this point in my life. I took a wrong turn somewhere. I don’t know how to get back on track.” I looked up at him. “I’m sorry, TJ, but after Friday’s mission, I’m leaving HEAT.” I stood and turned to leave. There was nothing more to say.
“Samantha.”
I stopped with my hand on the door knob and turned back toward him.
“I’m keeping this between us for now.”
“I understand,” I said. “I don’t want to distract the team.”
“I’m not telling X, either, not yet. I’m giving you time to think about this. Whether or not you take it is up to you.”
“Thank you, I appreciate it.” I didn’t tell him that I didn’t need to think about it any longer, that my mind was made up. He would be forced to come to terms with that soon enough.
