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Still, she did not seem to believe me, and I turned away. There was no use in arguing my innocence further, not when it was not to be believed.
My heart raced by the time I reached James’s door, and I let myself in without knocking. He lay in the bed, his arm slung over his forehead. The room was darkened, the drapes pulled closed, and the bed cast in further shadows by the bed hangings drawn on all but one side.
“You’ve brought my patch?” he asked.
“Indeed.” My clipped answer seemed to have alerted him to my foul mood.
“What happened to vex you?”
“Nothing. I . . . your . . .” I shook my head. How did I reveal such an awful picture as Lady Edith painted? I sat on the edge of his bed, facing where he lay against the pillows in its center. “James, when we initially spoke of our engagement, you mentioned that you had made a promise to your mother and you could not live with yourself if you did not see it through. She told me of it tonight, that after Miss Northcott arrived, she asked you to vow—”
“That is not the promise to which I referred.” He looked at me for a long moment, his good eye seeming to analyze my face. “Though I can see why she might have thought that.”
“Will you tell me what it was, then?”
He waited a beat before speaking, then pushed himself up to a seated position. “Yes. When I left for Eton as a lad, my mother took me aside and explained the importance of duty and doing right by one’s family. She preached about the particular obligation I held as the oldest son and heir, and she had me promise I would do nothing to besmirch the Bradwell name, that I would respect and protect it for the rest of my life.”
Realization hit me like a mad horse, jarring in its swiftness. I had thought James’s need to keep his promise had something to do with me, but I’d been wrong. It was about upholding his own honor. “Your mother holds your name in esteem the way one would their title.”
“Yes, precisely. It has not earned us a place in lords, of course, but it is no less important to us.”
“But why? Why does the Bradwell name come before you, before your brothers and their happiness? You chose a wife who was a veritable stranger to you for the sake of a name?”
“That was only a small part—”
“But it was part.”
“Of course it was,” he said swiftly. His eyes were unbending, as though he wanted me to understand. “What of your parents, Liss? You mean to say they had no bearing on your willingness to agree to our union?”
They’d had a large influence on my decision. James took the wind out of my pretentious sails by pointing that out. “My parents did influence my decision. I could not take away the one thing they live for, James.”
“What is that?”
“Their social calendar.”
He reached across the blanket and took my hand, and I immediately felt better for being connected to him in a small way. “It is no wonder you were hurt when they postponed their arrival date. Is this a common occurrence?”
“I have spent my life in the shadows of social situations. The only one I truly enjoyed was the house party we attended every year at Arden Castle, for I was able to spend that time with my cousin Jane. But my parents both thrive on being surrounded by their friends and going to balls and soirees or hosting dinners and card parties. When I came of age and was expected to join them, we all quickly realized that I was a crutch in their system, that I held them back. My nervous fits were a hindrance, and as much as my mama loves me, she could never understand why I went to such great lengths to remove myself from dancing.”
“As though you fainted by design.”
I looked at him wryly, aware of his thumb drawing lazy circles around my old burn. “You were the first person to accept my anxious fits and the fainting for what they were, and to not put more expectations on me than I could endure.”
He scoffed lightly. “I’ve done nothing but add to your expectations since our marriage.”
“The problem, I think, is that I did not know what I was agreeing to when I married you.”
“And I did not realize it would be a problem. It never occurred to me that you would find Chelton a burden.” He looked at me earnestly, but it was hard to take him seriously with one swollen eye closed.
I lifted my gift. “Shall we tie the patch on now?”
“I suppose,” he said, somewhat sullenly.
James sat forward, and I knelt beside him, gently placing the patch over his injured eye and drawing the strings around the back of his head. I bent forward to tie it in place, and when I sat back on my heels, he was watching me closely with his good eye. The bed was dim, the curtains pulled tight around all but one side, and my breath caught at the intensity of his expression.
“I have wondered multiple times since bringing you to Chelton if I made a mistake,” he said quietly. “If, perhaps, you had married the wrong Bradwell brother.”
I froze. What did he know about my time in the hunting box last year? Had I inadvertently given my little tendre away? No. I could not have. It left me the moment James carried me from the Pickering ballroom.
“Do not take my meaning the wrong way,” he said quickly. “I do not wish you had married another man. Indeed, I only wonder if you would have been happier married to someone who understood you better. A man who did not require you to ride horses you disliked or play games with him on the lawn.”
“You are the one who suffered most in that particular situation.”
“True.” He looked away, his hand falling from mine. “Dr. Settle recommended I try to sleep, and I think it wise if I heed his advice.”
I could have jolted for the shock this provided me. He needed to sleep, and he did not wish for me to be here by the way he looked at the door. “You would like me to leave?”
His mouth curved into a sad smile. “Like it? No. But I think it would be best.”
