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“High Command is exposed to images of male anatomy from an early age. It’s our burden, because we know there’s this thing that is missing from us, a thing we should have, but don’t.”
My blood was turning to ice in my veins. This wasn’t something High Command was ever supposed to talk about. I couldn’t even turn this into gossip, because it was something that would likely be traced right back to me. It was just too juicy.
Emissary Eve laughed, probably because my eyes had gotten so wide. I forced myself to blink. Once. Twice.
“If you have to look at him,” she whispered, “it’s going to hurt like looking at the sun, but it’s going to hurt in a way that makes you want to keep looking. My best advice to you is to look only as long as you would at the sun. If you look away quickly enough, you probably can keep your eyes off him.”
“Him,” I whispered. “Only one is coming in?”
She nodded, then put a hand on my shoulder. I barely could feel her touch, because my suit was fully pressurized.
Emissary Eve’s eyes flicked up and lost focus. High Command all had neural implants, and their eyes did that when they were receiving a mental signal through the implants. “Their docking bridge is locked in, it’s time, Airlock.”
“Yes, Emissary,” I said, and I hit the button.
The software was all still working. The HUD on my visor lit up with information about the pressure on either side of the door as the sensors checked the pressure on both sides. When it was confirmed that the pressure on either side was equal, I gave the door the go-ahead to open. The airlock open and shut via powerful magnets, and the moment the magnet disengaged, the motor should have pushed the door open. Instead, my HUD started blinking and scrambling across my visor like the shimmering rainbows you sometimes see in bubbles or soapy water, and the door stopped opening after only a half-meter or so, just wide enough for me to squeeze in.
I looked back over my shoulder, and Chief Athena and Emissary Eve both nodded at me, Emissary even waggled her fingers, gesturing for me to continue.
I pulled on the door, opening it manually. It was massive and heavy as shit, and it took my full body weight and strength to slowly start it moving. It barely moved a few centimeters even as I pulled with my full strength, but once it got some momentum going, it pivoted faster on its hinges, and soon I had it wide open.
I could have slipped through the crack, but if the magnets somehow turned back on right as I slipped through, it would crush me to pulp.
I stepped through the wide-open doorway and into the airlock, then I reached back behind me and started pulling the door shut again via a handhold on the inside. I pulled it all the way shut, then tried to reset my HUD. The smeared rainbow shimmering just came back on, so I killed the HUD entirely. I was fully manual. There was no screening software to speak of. I was definitely going to see an alien, but more startling than that was that I was going to see aman.
The airlock door was closed, but it wasn’t sealed. Without the software, I had to manually activate the magnets by opening up a panel and turning several small switches.
The lights went green as I flipped each little switch, and I heard the tell-taleclickof the magnets activating and sealing the door.
The aliens told High Command that they could breathe our atmosphere, whichimpliedwe could breathe theirs, but I wasn’t going to take any chances. Even if the air was breathable, it was best if I could prevent possible diseases from spreading. Now I needed to cycle out all the air, just in case the air we breathed didn’t have some kind of dangerous chemical reaction—namely a reaction that would explode—with the atmosphere from their ship.
I didn’t bother trying my HUD again. Instead, I opened another control panel. This one didn’t just have switches, instead, I had to open the tool panel on my suit’s forearm. I took out an electric screwdriver which slotted into the index finger of my gloves. Normally I’d activate it with eye gestures from my visor, but since none of that was working, I had to curl my toes to hit a button within my boots for manual operation. Curling my toes inward tightened the screw, while curling upward loosened. The gloves I wore were so bulky that toe controls were preferable to trying to hit tiny buttons and switches with huge fingers.
I undid several screws, which were basically just safety locks. The idea was that only an engineer should know how to do this, because only an engineer should be manually operating the airlock. There were still safety checks built-in, but there was no telling if they were still functioning. If I opened the outer door without fully closing the inner door, it would suck all the air out of the ship, killing the entire crew. Being Airlock Eve was an important job, I realized. The name no longer seemed like it was at all demeaning or teasing like I’d first thought it might be.
With all the screws out, the button could now be pressed. I hit it, and the thrum of the electric pump started up. Normally my suit would tell me how much air and pressure there was on both sides of the doors, but I had nothing now. Instead, I had to trust a little analog gauge on the manual override panel. I waited until it told me that there was zero atmosphere inside the airlock.
Now I was ready to open the outer door, which was the last barrier that was keeping an alien man from looking right at me, and from me looking right at him. If I took Emissary Eve’s advice, I’d have only a split second to look at him. Did I want to try to look between his legs, or at his face? If I tried to do both, it might be too much. I could get in trouble, or worse, I could taint myself enough that I’d have to go into exile.
I focused on my breathing and started working on the last door. I checked the panel for the outer door, and the gauge told me there was nothing but vacuum on the other side. This meant that the alien would come in wearing a suit like me. He definitely would not be naked, and that also meant I probably wouldn’t get to know the answer to the question I had about dicks and pants. I hit the switches, and the magnet disengaged. Now all I had to do was push open the door.
I got my hands on the grip and began pushing. When the door started to pivot open, I closed my eyes, not wanting to accidentally waste my look at the alien man before I was ready.
The door pivoted faster, and soon it was open all the way. With my eyes closed tight, I stepped back and looked in the direction of their ship.
I felt something. Someone. Even in a pressurized suit with a visor over my face and my eyes closed tightly, Iknewthere was someone there with me. I’d felt alone and sealed off from everything, and now I didn’t feel like that anymore. The presence of the alien man was undeniable, even though I couldn’t have said which of my senses was telling me he was here.
“Hello?” I whispered.
I wasn’t supposed to talk unless I had to, but it somehow felt vitally important to make sure that someone was really here with me and that I wasn’t going crazy. I also realized that I needed to know where he was so that I could shut the door. I needed to know he was in the airlock. There was no way to follow the rules, which is why High Command had made it clear to me beforehand that I could break the rules. I needed to get the job done, even if it meant breaking some rules.
“What is wrong with your eyes?” A voice boomed.
The voice shook me to my core. It was like nothing I’d ever heard or imagined before. When we gossiped and traded rumors about men, no one I’d spoken to had ever thought that their voices might be different. Some part of my primal biology knew that it wasn’t because he was an alien that his voice was deep, it was because he was a man. The deep voice made me feel small and helpless, but at the same time, I had a strong impression that anyone with a voice that strong must be strong himself. The helplessness was like drowning, but instead of air I wanted that deep voice to protect me.
“Your skin is so pale, little human,” the voice boomed, closer to me now.
Did that mean his skin was dark? Or was it like with humans, and different aliens had different colored skin? I still didn’t dare to open my eyes. Hearing his voice had made me even more afraid of Emissary Eve’s warning. I was no longer convinced I’d be able to pull my eyes off him.
