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Chapter6
Ashlyn Shepherd
Despite hearingOwen say he doesn’t hate me, I’m terrified of the things he’s going to say. He admitted he’s mad as hell, and he has every right to be. I’m not sure I could forgive me for what I’ve done if the situation were reversed.
“I’m so sorry, Owen.” The deep ache in my chest is nearly suffocating. I did this. I’m the reason my son hasn’t had a father in his life. I’m the reason Owen has missed the first years of Jacob’s life. He’ll never have that time with him. It’s gone forever.
The flood of guilt rushing through me bursts the dam holding me together and I’ve no choice but to surrender to the tears. “I hate… myself for… not coming… to find you.”
Owen slides across the sofa and pulls me into his arms. “True. You should have come to me. I had the right to know about him but I in no way believe you did it to hurt me. Your decision was driven by a mother’s desire to protect her child. I’m proud of the way you love and protect our son. You are a wonderful mother and he’s lucky to have you.”
He pulls away and grasps my chin, forcing me to look at him. “I’m not interested in placing blame for things from the past that can’t be changed. I want to talk about how we’re going to move forward in co-parenting Jacob. That’s all that matters to me in this moment.”
Co-parenting. Custody. Sharing. I’ve never had to hand over my son to anyone. He’s been with me twenty-four/seven since the day he was born. “Jacob’s never been away from me.”
“He’s away from you now.”
“But he’s with my parents.” Totally different. I always know where he is when he’s with them. He doesn’t have interactions with people I don’t know.
“And when he’s with me, he’ll be with his daddy. You can trust me to keep him safe, Ash.”
I’ve had him to myself all this time, and although that hasn’t been fair to Owen or Jacob for that matter, the thought of handing him over for days at a time kills me. But I have to be reasonable. I owe that to Owen. “Do you want joint custody?”
“I have something entirely different in mind.”
Oh God. He wants full custody? “Please, Owen. I can’t be away from him.”
“I don’t want to be away from him either. It isn’t fair to ask me to only see him a couple of days every other weekend. Four days a month, Ash. It’s not enough.”
“I wouldn’t do that to you.” And I hope he wouldn’t do that to me.
“Neither of us want to be away from him so I only see one solution. Marry me, Ash.”
Not what I was expecting to hear. “W-what?”
“I know. Getting married without dating is crazy. But hell, baby, we have a kid. We’ve pretty much already done things out of order so why not marriage as well?”
“Because marriage is very permanent. It’s a serious commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly.”
“Being parents is even more permanent. We’re already going to be doing that together for the rest of our lives.”
“People co-parent children all the time without being married.” Sure, it isn’t ideal but it works.
“But I want to marry you.” He kisses the side of my face and laces his fingers through my hair before moving his lips down my neck. “Jacob ties you to me forever. You’re never getting rid of me.”
“I don’t want to get rid of you.” Especially when you’re kissing my neck like that.
“Ashlyn, I want to share a bed with you every night. I want to wake up next to you every morning.” He pulls me against him and sucks my earlobe into his mouth.
“Would you settle for sharing a bed with me right now?”
“I don’t think I could ever call that settling.”
I take his hand and lead him down the hall to my bedroom. He stops when he sees the baby pictures of Jacob lining the wall. He reaches out to touch his newborn hospital picture. “I wish I had been with you when he was born.”
I do too. He’ll never know how badly. “I’m sorry. I wish I could give you that special moment.”
He kisses the top of my head. “It’s OK. You’ll give me special moments when you have our other ones.”
