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She released her finger and kissed Jen’s cheek. For a fleeting moment Jen wondered if she meant the toilet in the flat or somewhere else entirely, because something felt very final.
The sound of a cheery crowd erupted from Holly’s phone. Alison was on stage, lights glaring off her. She’d barely changed. The same hairstyle, same make-up. Jen was fairly certain she was wearing the oversized denim shirt she’d bought her one Christmas, the one she loved to wear around the flat with little else on. Tonight, its sleeves were rolled to her elbows. Jen assumed she was wearing it with jeans, at least, or Kev’s establishment had become a different one altogether.
Alison put a hand to her brow, searching the crowd as she spoke. ‘I was hoping someone very special would be here tonight.’ She narrowed her eyes, still scanning the sea of faces as she hit the pedals at her feet, getting ready for the next song. ‘But I’m not seeing her. Jen, are you here?’
Jen’s stomach dropped.
Off camera, in the distance, Travis’s voice boomed: ‘She’s not here.’
Jen was sure she saw a hint of dejection in Alison’s face, but she styled it out. ‘When you hear the song, you’ll probably guess why that is,’ she said with a wry smile. A ripple of laughter sailed through the crowd.
She strummed her guitar, adjusting the capo, before leaning into the microphone. ‘This is brand new. It’s called “Is It Really Over?”’
Jen’s heart joined her stomach. She swallowed. Even though her mouth was drier than it had ever been.Fuck.
Half way through the first verse Jen realised she’d forgotten to breathe. She flitted her eyes to the living room, willing Holly to come round the corner. Help her make sense of what she was hearing.
Alison’s song was full of remorse, atonement, and worst of all, longing. She wanted her back. Badly.
Jen felt sick.
Three years too late. She’d moved on, long ago. Maybe not into the place she was now, but definitely to a space where Alison no longer fitted. The thought of getting back together repulsed her.
Her future was Holly-shaped now.
No matter how many songs were written about her.
Jen closed the app, quite content with never seeing Alison ever again, and strode to the bathroom. Empty. She doubled back and found Holly on her bed, lying flat on her back, eyes closed, deep in thought.
She slid into position beside her, scooping her close as she kissed her nose, her brow, and finally her mouth.
‘I have nothing to do with that,’ she said, lying flat against Holly and slotting her head into the space between her girlfriend’s neck and shoulder.
‘It’s about you, though,’ Holly said, her voice unsteady.
Jen lifted her head, just to check she wasn’t crying. Clear for now, she settled back into Holly’s shoulder.
‘I can’t help how she feels. I didn’t encourage it. We’ve not spoken in three years.’
She studied the rise and fall of Holly’s chest. There was no telling what was going through her mind.
After what felt like a few lifetimes, she spoke. ‘I know you didn’t ask for any of this, but I can’t do this again, Jen. If there’s a hint, even the slightest little “what if” at the back of your mind, you need to tell me now.’
‘What do you mean?’ Jen asked, rising to rest on her elbow.
Finally Holly opened her eyes. ‘If there’s just one tiny skin cell on you that wants to see where things could go with Alison, I need you to say now. There’s no shame in that; you were together a long time. I just need to know the truth.’
Jen shifted position again, trying to find ground that wasn’t there; they were already as close as was humanly possible, and yet it didn’t feel enough. She shook her head a tiny fraction, scared to move too much, emotion prickling at her eyes. ‘Not even for a nano-second.’
Holly didn’t look convinced.
Jen couldn’t blame her. She’d just watched a video of her arsehole ex declaring her love. After everything she’d been through with Shona, she didn’t deserve this. She wanted to bring her close and shower her with kisses, forever remaining in the bubble of Jen and Holly, safe and protected from the outside world. Jen was Holly’s armour: it was her job to defend, not add further damage.
‘You believe me, yeah?’ Jen asked a still-unmoving Holly.
‘Of course.’
‘But?’
