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My dad’s a software engineer. I thought I would love this. I thought I’d be able to handle the course load. But it’s just weighing on me that it takes this much work to get a degree in it.Such is college life.
I’ve been pondering a major change, but I hate not finishing what I start. What would I even study? I was so dead set on software engineering, but this year has shown me that it’s no longer my passion.
“What are you thinking about switching to?”
I scheduled a meeting with my counselor to discuss options. I haven’t found my passion yet, outside of math, track, and films.
“I don’t know....” And I’m pretty sure not knowing my passion isn’t the only thing that’s confused my first year in college.
Ms. Windstrom pulls her red hair to the side as she gives me a small smile and looks through my file again.
“Have you thought about getting into extracurricular activities on-campus? I know you’re on the track team, but what about other clubs?” I wasn’t really into joining clubs, since my schedule was so busy. If I were to join one, what club would I join anyway? I have virtually no hobbies. I can’t speak any languages, so no French club for me. I’m not passionate about current events, so that’s out. I’m great at math, but I’m not joining the mathematics club. For Christ’s sake, I have no hobbies. “You don’t have to tell me now, but maybe think about it. You have plenty of time before you graduate to decide on a major.” She gives me a small smile.
I give her a nod before standing and leaving.
Outside, I lean against her door. This is really going to be a rough experience. I already hate my major, and I can’t figure out what else to study.
I had this all figured out. In high school, I had everything planned out in a journal. That same journal is in my dorm room under my bed. I kept it there as a reminder. Maybe it’s time to reference it to see where I went wrong.
Taya and Sarah are still in class when I arrive back at our dorm. I throw my purse on the floor and go to my bed. Reaching around under my bed, I feel my journal from ninth grade. I pull it out and look at the cover. I remember falling in love with the white polka dots against the solid purple. Seeing the cover reminded me of a flower.
My hands roam over the stains from spilled coffee on the cover. I remember buying it with my summer job money and keeping it a secret from my parents.
Sighing, I open my journal and see the first entry:
August 12, 2014
First Day of School!
I can’t wait to start college! I get to do whatever I want, when I want. I love mom and dad, but getting to spend four years with Sarah and Taya will be a dream come true. Those are my girls. I just know college with them will be awesome.
I laugh at how young and innocent I sounded. I can just smell the eighth-grade girl from the page. Even though I was a freshman, I was still fresh from middle school.
The first day I got the journal, I wrote that little blurb to psyche myself up for the following three years of high school. I was excited to finally have an ounce of responsibility. I was responsible for my success in high school, and for some reason, it felt good to have that on my back.
I keep reading:
Just think, in four years I will be on my own for another four years. The thought excites me. It excites me even more because that means I’ll be closer than ever to having my dream job and dream life. Maybe even my dream husband, too. I even met a boy. Nicholas Swanson. He’s such a cutie. I was sitting with Sarah and Taya at lunch today and he came up to us. He asked if he can eat with us and we said yes. It was the first time since 3rd grade that I got to talk to a cute boy. Mom and dad don’t let me date, but if I were allowed, I’d consider him in a heartbeat!
Nicholas Swanson. I smile at my own words again. I was so in love with him in high school. So in love with him that I would come up with any excuse I could to sit next to him in any class we were in together. I was a teenage girl with hearts in her eyes for three years...until I methim.
Until I met him, my life was stable. I was ready to take on the world and stay completely focused on what I wanted to achieve. Nick was supposed to be the guy I would be with throughout college.
Jake Larson ruined those plans for me.
Meeting him was the worst thing to have ever happened to me. The emotional rollercoaster he’s taken me on has ruined my freshman year. And yet...I still love him. I love him like a drug. Look at me: I fell for a boy who doesn’t feel the same way. He was just another hotshot boy thrown into my ‘perfect’ life. How did I get so lucky?
You didn’t.
I need to break out of this. This isn’t helping. Swallowing my tears, I continue reading my entries:
September 9, 2014
Everything is falling into place. I’m on the varsity track team, Nick asked me out two days ago, and I passed my first Honors Geometry test! It sounds pathetic, but I’m so excited for what’s to come. I have everything planned out already!
Between now and my senior year, I have outlined in my head how I will achieve success for college. Let’s call it Leia’s College Outline (because I’m cheesy). This will be the outline I live by until the day I walk across that stage and accept my diploma. This outline will set me up for success! The outline will be as follows:
