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I’ve gone overand over and over in my head what to do. What to say to Max. I’ve wanted to talk to him, I’ve needed to reach out, but I just haven’t known how. I walked out on him. I left after the most mind blowing sexual experience of my life. I left after he held me so tight, after I felt so God damn safe. But I was right to cut him off, wasn’t I? To cut him out before feelings or non-feelings got everything far too complicated… because he broke my heart in California, however I slice it. Whichever card I play about him being depressed, high—I let him hold my heart for a few fateful moments and then he crushed it.
Like I knew he would.
But, I knew he meant it when he said he was sorry.
But it’s not about that now. It’s bigger.
London is quiet this morning, I jumped on the tube from my house. Marvelled at how every train was quiet and on time for me for once in my life. It’s something that very rarely happens. Changing to the Jubilee Line to travel down to South Dock. When I come out of the station the sun is just starting to peek out from the cloud it had been hiding behind and as I walk along the waterfront to Max’s building, I have this strange sense of happiness. London is busy, it’s built up and dirty but parts of it really are beautiful. Like here, the way the sunshine dips in and out and bounces off the Thames. I breathe in air that is fresher than most areas of our city. Damn I miss London when I go away on tour.
The closer I get to Max’s building the faster my heartbeat gets. I’m nervous. Nervous about seeing him again? Yeah. Really nervous but some conversations you have to have face to face. And I’m not sure if he’d have picked up my call. Since his barrage of calls for a few weeks solid I’ve heard nothing, apart from a couple of three am phone calls where I can only assume he phoned accidently as he never left a message. I imagine he’s forgotten all about the night we spent together. That was probably all it was to him. There’s no denying it was passionate, but Max is the most talented and passionate person I’ve ever met. It wouldn’t make sense if he didn’t pour that passion into sex as much as he does his everyday life.
I’m not sure how to even start this conversation. I mean I’m thirty-four, I’ve had boyfriends in the past, but we never normally get as far as ‘serious’. I’m always on tour, it’s not sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll for me. It’s really hard business most of the time. The past nearly nine years with Blank Space have been some of the hardest, yet best of my life but that doesn’t make loads of room for relationships. Proper ones anyway.
I nod at Max’s security guard, blocking entrance to the bottom of his building. He nods back at me, tipping his hat and then stepping out of my way.
“Alison,” he says with a gruff smile.
“Hi, Terry. All good?” I ask and he nods again.
“Yes, Miss,” he laughs, his strong cockney drawl making me feel even more at home. I’ve never seen him hanging around downstairs like this at Max’s though. Normally he’s off duty if Max is home.
“How’s Sandy?” I ask and his normal gruff exterior softens at the mention of his wife’s name. His huge shoulders sag and a grin covers his lips.
“She’s great, Alison. Thanks for asking. His lordship’s upstairs. You take care now,” he mumbles as he opens the doors wide for me, I notice the elevator doors closing and I walk quickly to catch it. Catching my black Louboutin toe in the door.
“Phew,” I laugh as the metal doors open again and I stride in. But suddenly the air is thick, heavy already. I look him up and down. Perfectly tousled black hair, Ray Bans tucked in the front of the black t-shirt that clings to his fit frame. His biceps bulging from it. The slight twist of his lips as he smiles, although there’s a look of fear in his hazel eyes. He’s startled, not expecting to see me. But mostly he looks tired. Exhausted. Pained. My eyes fall to his feet, to avoid watching the sadness in his eyes. Next to his black and white checkerboard Vans, a black carry-on suitcase. It all makes sense now. Terry’s outside because he’s on his way somewhere. Maybe I have made a mistake coming here.
