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There’s justone more person I need to tell about the baby before anyone else knows. Before I’ve told the guys and then my management and then the real world.
I’ve toyed with coming here a lot, but I’ve not known how to. I told Ali this morning and she promised to come with me, I feel stronger with her here. More in control.
We pull up in Ali’s car. Even the car park is in a forest. I’ve not been back here since the funeral but the minute I open the car door, breathe in the fresh pine, something in my brain, in my stomach settles. My mum’s here. Well, her spirit is, I guess. I grab Ali’s door, and she holds my hand as we walk the short walk around a corner, down a short slope covered in pine chippings until my feet stop. This isn’t a conventional graveyard. It’s just trees, but under a big oak there’s a tiny wooden plaque. In black letters is her name. No other words, nothing to describe how short her life was. No gushing message about what a wonderful person she was, Cassy said we didn’t need it. That we knew it, and looking at it now, I think she was right. There’s some daisies growing around the little wooden head stone, their stark white petals against the dark ground must symbolise something but of what I’m not sure.
Ali squeezes my hand in hers, her gaze finds mine, her eyes glassy. My fingers brush her cheek, and she doesn’t flinch. I marvel at her soft skin as some wave of fear hits me. Goosebumps cover my arms as my eyes become hot and a tear creeps in, I use our intertwined hands to pull her closer to me. Needing the connection, needing her softness, her care. Her lips find my cheek and kiss.
“Ali,” I whisper. I don’t even recognise my voice, it’s so soft almost silent. A little broken. But also, not. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this way before. She pulls something from her bag. The scan picture, she brings it to her lips that are still dangerously close to mine and she kisses it.
“Max,” her voice is a whisper, “I’m going to be over there.” She nods to a bench only a few metres away in the distance. I nod.
“Tell her about our baby. Tell her about how you are going to be this tiny human’s daddy, and I’ll be their mummy. About how we are going to make Cassy an auntie. I’ll sit on this bench, but I’ll be right here. I promise, Max.” I’m not sure if her words have the double meaning I hope they do but her smile promises that they do as I nod and step towards the plaque and crouch down. Picture teasing in between my fingers.
I take a deep breath
“Hi, Mum.” I feel stupid. I look over at Ali, and she smiles at me, encouraging as she sits on the bench. I watch her eyes fall to the ground, giving me a little privacy. She can probably sense my embarrassment.
“I’m sorry I’ve not been around. So much has happened and I haven’t known where to turn. I miss you so much, Mum. I went to America, I went on tour, you’d only been gone four months. I shouldn’t have gone. I know that now, but I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to make you proud of me, I wanted the world to see me being strong. I struggled that whole tour, I’d have normally turned to Finch, but he was being weird. I took Cassy with me, but, Mum, I was so scared of looking like a fuck-up to her, of not being her strong big brother that I hid from her how hard it was for me being there on stage. I drowned myself in more alcohol and drugs and loose women than ever before. I know you don’t want to hear that but it’s the truth, you always taught me not to run from the truth. Ali knew though, she knew I wasn’t right. I lost count of the late nights she came to my room and tried to persuade my stoned arse to smile and because she cared just as much as she was my manager. I was a spiralling, billowing mess. I tried to kiss her one night, but we both knew it couldn’t happen and part of me is glad it never did then even if we talked like maybe it could in the future.”
“I think maybe you and Finch are the only people who know I’ve always been in love with that woman over there. But then I found out something that broke my heart. I wanted to talk to you more than I’ve ever wanted to talk to you about anything. But you were gone, Mum, you weren’t there to tell and I went into self-destruct mode. Cassy is with Finch. They were hiding their relationship because they were scared of telling me. I know my guard’s always been up high around her, I can’t describe how much it hurt me that they couldn’t admit to me that they were together, it’s not even that they went behind my back because honestly, I do know how hard it would have been for them to admit it, but I hate that they didn’t trust me enough to tell me just how in love they clearly were. They are. Because that’s my baby sister and that’s my best friend. The two people I thought shared everything with me.”
“Mum you’d be so proud of her, she’s training to be a nurse and my best friend is by her side every step of the way. I know you’ve always loved him, and he is everything she’s ever needed and so much more, but it hurt so much that it was the two of them together. I didn’t think and I’ll regret the way I reacted my entire life. How I was so scared that I injected so much heroin into my veins that I could barely see. I got on that stage that night and then I topped up and then I punched him. Square in the jaw. There was blood everywhere and then I did the stupidest, most reckless thing I’ve ever done in my life. I ran. Ran from the room after running my stupid mouth. I ran from my band, from my boys and when the warm evening air hit me. Something screamed in my brain, and I don’t to this day know what it was and what made me get in that car. It wasn’t even mine; I just saw it parked there, waiting for a valet with the keys still inside and I just got in. Slammed my foot down. And I flew. That’s where I go blank. I could have killed someone, Mum. I hate the bastard that did this to you. That took you from us, and I could have been that person. I was out of fucking control I was so hurt and so broken that I don’t really know how I even was waking up and contemplating life. I fucked up so bad. I’m so sorry for letting you down, for not being the man you showed me to be.”
The hot tears cascade down my cheeks, burning my eyes. I would give anything to turn back the clock, to have more time with her. To stop the hurt, to stop the sadness and have some form of happiness back. To be having this conversation with her and not the ground. I push my fingers into the soil, dirtying my fingers as the tears fall.
“I was arrested for DUI. If I didn’t work for Grain Records, I’d probably still be in a prison in Los Angeles somewhere. I’ve been a mess since I’ve been home. I haven’t known where to turn. To know who my friends are. Who my family is, but then something amazing happened. Even after I upset her, Ali came back into my life. I thought just for one night but, Mum, she came back. She came back because something big is about to happen. Mum, Ali’s pregnant! I’m going to be a dad.” I hear my voice break, I pause to let the emotions pour through my body, as this overwhelming pain creeps over me. The injustice. This isn’t fair. It doesn’t even begin to be fair that she’s not here to experience this with me. With us. I sink down further into the ground, my knees skimming the floor. Dirtying my black jeans as my body shakes. The tears coming fast and hot down my cheeks.
Why? Why is this the way the world works? How can somebody as fair and true and real as my mum be gone. Why does she have to miss out? Someone who was so happy in the world, who had so much love to give. Who even though we weren’t blood loved me and my sister like we were. Who would protect us through everything? How the fuck is that fair?
She was so good, and this world is full of such bad, yet she’s gone. And I’m not sure I can do it without her. I’m trying, I am, but it’s so fucking hard. It’s cruel, it’s fucking unfair, and I just can’t. I don’t know how. The ground under my knees is cold but I don’t deserve anything else. I can’t do it anymore. It hurts so much. I don’t know if it will ever stop. I breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in again. My breath is quick, hurried. I can’t do this. I’m so fucking lost. I don’t know. I—
“Max.” I hear a beautiful voice say somewhere near to my ear. “Max, it’s okay.” Ali crouches down in the dirt next to me, her arms around my shoulder she pulls me into her chest. Holds me, kisses my forehead, like the angel she is, like that bridge over troubled water that my body is craving.
“It’s not fair, Ali. It’s not fair that she’s missing out on this. That she misses everything,” my voice is tiny as I say it out loud. Fragile.Fucked.
“No, Max, it doesn’t even begin to be fair. It won’t ever be fair that she misses so much. But you’re not alone. Babe, you don’t even begin to be alone, and being a daddy, it’s going to be the best show you’ve ever performed. She’d be so proud of you, Max, that doesn’t make it any fairer that she’s not here to see it. But she’d be so happy for you.”
“For us,” I correct her as I turn my face, and she cups my whole head in her hands, her eyes fixed on mine. So beautiful and bold and green. She nods, eyes wide. And I know she’s not just agreeing to appease me. Even if she doesn’t ever want to say it out loud, she means it.
“I’m so proud of you, Max,” she says, soft hands still covering my cheeks. Together we stand, enjoying the silence of the trees. All I can hear is the wind and it somehow settles the butterflies in my stomach.
“Are you okay?” she asks me softly as we both stand.
“I’m not sure,” I admit, her green eyes studying me. Instinctively my hands weave around her waist and I pull her body closer so she’s flush to me. I lean down and let my lips hover near hers. Her breath hitching the same time mine does. My stomach is doing backflips.
“Ali. I need, I need to know I’m real. I need to know I mean something in the world,” I admit.
“Max,” her voice is strained, a little moan that makes my entire body feel alive.
“Angel,” I whisper as I let our lips crush together. Damn her mouth is so soft. Her arms weave around my shoulders as I let my tongue tease the seam of her lips until she opens for me. She’s so real, so perfect. She tastes of mint. Mint and something so deliciously fucking sweet I can’t quite put my finger on it.
“Max,” she mumbles as she pulls back and rests her forehead on mine.
“Angel, I’m a better man when I’m with you. You, you both.” I let my hand trail down her body to her beautiful tiny bump. “You give me something I’m so scared to grab but I know I’m a better person with you. Because I want to be. I need you, Ali.”
Her beautiful cheeks flush a deep scarlet.
“Max…” she says again.
“Angel, you don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to agree, and we don’t have to argue either. But I’d very much like to get out of here so I can worship you the way I know you deserve.”
She opens her mouth to argue, her lips forming that perfect little o shape. But then she closes it again. Her eyes sparkle with a look I know as desire.
She doesn’t speak, just a brief nod of her head.
