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I look over at Ali,her brown hair perfectly fanning the pillow. Angelic even. My angel. With my tiny baby growing in her belly.Our baby.I let the smile cover my cheeks. Then that nervous energy surges, that worry deep in the pit of my stomach that I’m broken. That I’m not good enough for them. That I fucked up so bad that I never will be. How can I even begin to comprehend bringing a tiny little life into this world when there are fucked-up souls like mine residing in it. Damaged.
In silence, I lean in and kiss Ali’s soft cheek, pull up the sheet so she doesn’t feel the breeze from the cool air coming through the window. And carry my thoroughly fucked and sated body out of the bedroom and down the hallway into the kitchen.
I contemplate pouring myself a shot of JD but stop myself at the last minute and opt for a tumbler out of the cupboard and pour myself a glass of water straight out of the tap. I tap the granite of the worktop. Tap it again.
I’ve not spoken to him since I left America. I haven’t been able to because I haven’t had anything to say. But I need to make this right. Right for me. For Ali and for our tiny baby. I can’t screw this up. I can’t be the screw up, I need to be someone she can be proud of not some waster who lives off the royalties of some past albums. I need to be something.
Grabbing my phone from the countertop I make the call. No idea what time it is in New York or if that’s even where he still is. But he’ll answer. I know he will. He doesn’t even let it go to two rings.
“Preston?”
“Max? You had me worried there for a second. You good?”
“I’m good. I’m good,” I assure him as my hand continues to tap the stone-work surface in my kitchen.
“Preston, I need to do right by my family.”
“Okay… What does that mean, Max?”
“It means this album you want me to record. Can I record it in England?” I ask, my voice a lot less astute than it was a few seconds ago. Less determined.
“You can record it on Mars if you want, Max, for all I care. All I want is that music out there. You doing the thing you were born to do,” he tells me and I release a breath out of my body which I didn’t even realise I’d been holding in. I hear some commotion on his end of the phone—he’s telling someone to leave, I hear him move, sit down and then I hear a lighter and then a puff of breath. A cigar, I imagine.
“I’m so glad you’ve come to your senses, Max. it shocked me when you left New York when you did, but you’ve had so much to think about. But you’re doing the right thing. You know you are.”
I nod, I know he can’t see me but I’m not sure I agree. But I need to do right by Ali. Ali and the baby and being a washed-up has-been with an apparent drug problem is not ever going to help them. Our songs are still massive, but I share royalties with all of the guys and I’m not foolish enough to think that if we don’t ever record another album, I’ll be able to live off those royalties for all of my life. I want to give something to her; I want to be something for her. To be a good man. A good dad.
“We can take the heavy as much as you want, Max. I know we said you could talk to the guys but if that’s changed, it’s cool. They will agree to whatever we say. They’ll know it’s in theirs and your best interest. If they are really your friends, they will want what’s best for you.”
Something about his words settle my stomach. I know this is hard, it’s going to hurt. But I think he’s right. This is bigger than me now. It’s bigger than all of us.
“I still want to tell them myself, Pres. They’re my brothers, they need to hear it from me, just not yet.”
“Your brothers? All of them?” I swear I hear a change in his voice.
“Yeah, all of them. We’re getting close again, me and him.”
“Finch?” he questions.
“Yeah.”
“Fuck, okay.”
“What? You want us all to be friends again, right?”
“I do, of course, the label does too. It just makes it a bit more complicated sorting this out if you’ve got feelings involved. I thought the fact that he’s been fucking your sister was enough to want to distance yourself.”
“He, yeah. He is. But—”
“But, what Max?”
“But he’s my brother. He’s my best friend and I know he’s good for her. She’s not a kid anymore. I can’t protect her forever and if she’s going to be with someone, she couldn’t have picked someone I trust more in the world.”
“You trust him still? After last year, after what it made you do in California?”
“He didn’t make me do it. My stupid head made me do it.”
“Yeah, but his actions pushed you over the edge. Finch’s and Cassy’s, you might have made up now, but I was there, Max. I could see how much what they did hurt you. How it affected you and chipped away some of you.”
