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‘I’m fine. It was just… sisters, you know…’ She tried to make light of it, but there was a growing emptiness inside her that she knew no acting could cover over.
‘But you hit her.’
‘Yes.’ She stopped, examined the ground at her feet, biting her lip hard to stop herself from crying. ‘It was nothing.’ Then, from the bottom of her heart: ‘It was terrible. It’s been brewing up for years. We’re as bad as each other really, but the air had to be cleared.’ Her voice trailed off. It wasn’t good enough. Not for a teacher who was meant to be an example to students. And today, this fete was filled with schoolkids and parents. Bloody hell. What on earth had she done?
‘Well, if you’re sure you’re all right?’ Gary said, but she felt him survey her in a whole new way. ‘We need to talk about it when we get back to school. Will you pop into the office before taking your first class?’
‘Of course,’ she said, and then she knew her job at the school, which she’d loved so much, was over. She’d messed everything up by being completely stupid. How on earth had she let Georgie and Iris bait her into letting herself down like that?
Her anger at her two sisters had dissipated by the time she reached the empty lane that was a shortcut to Soldier Hill House, and all she was left with was a deflated sense of failure. All was finally lost. She couldn’t stay in Ballycove now – not that she had actually considered it beyond the summer, but maybe she’d been getting used to the idea that there was a choice. At least, for a short while, there seemed to be an alternative to the empty place London had become to her.
‘Nola, Nola.’ Another voice, not the principal this time, but instead, Aiden Barry running up the narrow road, as if he was out for a leisurely jog. ‘Please, wait a minute – just let me check that you’re all right.’ He was beside her then, holding her away from him, the rain pelting down on both of them as if it might finally rub them out completely.
‘I’m just…’ She was too empty to cry, much less make any excuse for what she’d just done.
‘I know, it was terrible,’ he said and then he pulled her into him, his arms around her, holding her so tight that she imagined she could hear his heart hammering against his chest. He was warm, in spite of the freezing rain, and he smelled of soap and the merest hint of leather, as if he’d just taken off a jacket and the scent remained. It was calming, being encircled in his arms, in spite of the rain and the fact that they were meant to dislike each other and her ragged breath that made her whole body shake. ‘But there’s nothing you can do about it now, apart from maybe kiss and make up.’ He was murmuring into her hair and, for a moment, it felt as if everything halted and Nola stood back, studying him as if he was some rare species. Their eyes locked; they were being slowly drawn together by some invisible magnet with a force she couldn’t stop, even if she wanted to, just one more centimetre and their lips might touch. A crack of lightning, breaking against one of the tall trees in a nearby field, made her jump backwards, suddenly bringing her to her senses.
‘I have to go,’ she shouted and pulled away from him to race back to the house. She was running away, but there was nothing else she could do at this point, was there?
‘Nola,’ she heard him call after her, but she knew she had to keep running because staying near him could lead her into something she was certain that neither of them really wanted.
She leaned her whole body against the front door to push it open. She’d never felt so emptied out in her whole life, as if every last drop of her was spent physically, emotionally and spiritually. In her room, she peeled off her clothes, left them in a puddle on the floor. Even as she collapsed on the bed she felt her mind shutting down. She had ruined everything.
No matter how nice Gary was, he would have no other choice but to sack her. She had displayed a serious lack of judgement. It was unprofessional conduct and there was no getting around it; anyone who assaulted a family member in full view of the entire school was hardly a shining example to kids in their care.
Nola closed her eyes, sinking not into sleep, but rather into a comatose state of unthinking. She just had to blot everything out; because she’d really hit rock bottom now and there was no hiding the mess she’d made of things from her sisters this time.
