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“It was a devastating time for both of them. Soon, getting Willow to sleep at all was a struggle. She became withdrawn and was sent home from school with stomach aches multiple times a week. At that point, Emily’s sickness had completely taken over our lives.We hadn’t even realized that it was all we seemed to talk about and focus on. Willow’s therapist thought we needed to try to separate Willow from it some. To make sure we were still living our lives as if the world wasn’t ending. That’s one of the reasons Emily doesn’t like it talked about in front of Willow. She tries to keep her pain to herself as much as possible, and she’ll continue to give Willow as much of her strength as she can, until there’s nothing left to give. After surgery and two rounds of chemo, Emily started to build her strength back up and Willow got better too. She even started sleeping in her own bed again. But when the cancer came back and was too far along for treatment, Willow’s anxiety just escalated.”
I close my eyes, fighting against a wave of tears. I’m not one of those men who think they’re too tough to cry, but I’ve needed to be strong for Emily and Willow for so long. Keeping my emotions in check for them has always been a priority. But here with Addison, I don’t feel like I have to hide my feelings in order to protect her. When I open my eyes, a few tears fall.
“She has panic attacks,” I continue, “like you saw, and sometimes she worries about everything. She used to not be able to make even the simplest decisions, because she would worry it would be the wrong one and something bad would happen as a result. But she’s gotten a lot better about that. She’s still in therapy, and she takes medication every morning. It helps for the most part, but it’s still hard. She’s losing so much at such a young age.”
“I was eight when my mother died,” Addison says. “I lost everything with her. I didn’t know it at the time, but now...” She takes a shaky breath. I worry she might start crying again, but instead, she keeps talking.“Now, I know the dent her absence left in my life. I’m not saying my father was ever the most doting man, but my mom mostly kept him in line. When I lost her, I lost him too. And then I lost dance. It was just a spiral of grief.”
My stomach drops, unsure of where this is going but knowing I probably won’t like it.
“Spending all this time around Willow, seeing her pain and knowing what’s still to come for her and for you, is breaking my heart, Chase.”
And there it is.
I’m asking too much of her. I should have fucking known that from the beginning. Asking her to move in here and bear witness to the pain in my life was selfish, especially with the loss she’s already experienced. She’s been incredibly patient as we all adjust to the unique situation we’re in, and she’s been getting through the awkward moments with grace.
“Addison, I’m so sorry. I never fucking thought about what this would do to you. I feel like a dick. I know I’m asking a lot of you, with Willow and Emily. With you being thousands of miles from home. It’s not fair, is it?”I hold my breath, terrified of what her answer will be.
She pulls away just enough to look at me, reaching her hand up to palm my cheek. “No, Chase. Being here feels right. I’m not running away from this, not now. I’m too invested in both of them to walk away at this point, even if it hurts.”
“Are you okay?” I ask her again, hoping this time, the question won’t end in tears.
“I’m tired.”
“I’ll let you rest.” Realizing I’ve overstayed my welcome, I squeeze her hand one last time, but she holds tight to it when I try to rise.
“No, it’s more than that. I mean, I’m tired.” She looks at me searchingly, as if she wants me to read between the words and understand what she isn’t saying.
And I do. I hear her loud and clear.This process has been draining.
“You’re really fucking amazing, you know that?” I whisper.
I put an arm around her and bring her to lie against me, focusing on nothing but Addison. The warmth of her skin as I drag my hand up and down her arm. Her leg pulled up at the knee and lying on top of mine. Her wet hair against my shirt. Her fresh-from-the-shower scent. I wish I could take her right here. Peel her clothes off and make love to her. Show her how badly I need her—not just her body, but her.
But instead, I breathe her in, letting the feel of her in my arms fill the cracks in my shattered soul. For all the chaos that surrounds us, she continues to keep me from falling off the deep end. I never realized how much I was lacking before she came along. How much I needed her steady presence to keep me grounded.
I’m not sure how much time passes, but when I hear her little snores, I decide that’s my cue to leave. I move slowly, trying not wake her, but those doe eyes turn to me anyway.
Fuck me.
I deserve a damn award for being able to walk away from her right now.
“I need to go check on Willow again,” I say quietly. “Will you be okay?”
She nods, her hand on my chest. I pull it to my lips and kiss her palm, getting one last feel of her before leaving the room.
