Page 19 of All That Lies Ahead

I know she wants me to laugh, so I do, but it’s lifeless.

“Thank you for loving her, Chase.” Her cold hand rests on my cheek, and for the first time in weeks, she smiles. Not a fake one for Willow or a forced one for our friends and family, but a genuine smile that makes it all the way to her eyes.

“Thank you for trusting me with her.” I reach my hand to her cheek as well.

“Just think about what I said, please. And talk it over with Addison, too. She’s your future now.”

My heart sinks. If only I could have them both.

* * *

Later that night, when the house is quiet, I find myself restless. I text Addison to see if she’s still up, but after the minutes stretch without a response, I put my phone back on the charger and roll onto my back.

I’m not sure what eventually draws me out of bed other than the fact that continuing to lie here makes me feel uneasy. As I walk down the hallway, I pause to check on Emily, opening her door a couple of inches and peering inside. Willow’s asleep in the bed, but she’s alone. It only takes a few moments for me to find Emily, huddled into a ball in the corner of the bedroom, her shoulders shaking as silent sobs rack her body.

There are moments in life you can never come back from. Even as you live them, you know they’ll haunt you for years to come. What you were wearing, the smell in the air, the pain buried deep in your chest, fighting tooth and nail to be let out.

This is one of those moments.

This is the moment.

The years, months, weeks, and days of doubt and sadness and fucking pain all led us to this. I know what her huddled body means.

She’s given up. She’s done.

I never stopped to imagine what it must feel like, being ripped limb from limb, but suddenly, I’m immersed in the feeling. I feel the sting in my hands, the pressure in my teeth, the crack in my chest, like my ribs are being torn from my body.

“Chase?” Her voice is hoarse, nothing but a whisper. I flex my fists at its harshness. “What do you think it’s like? Dying?”

My heart riots in my chest as I try to keep my breaths even. I stand perfectly still and say nothing, because what good would it do? What good are my words when they can’t fix anything? We’re long past the days of being able to pretend things will get better.

“I think it’s just a big black nothingness,” she continues. “You just close your eyes, and that’s it. Doesn’t that sound soeasy? I think living is the hard part. Grieving over the life I’m losing and the memories I’ll never be a part of. But once you’re dead, you don’t feel anything anymore. You don’t have to hurt anymore.Does it make me a terrible person for looking forward to that? I just want the pain to stop, Chase. Losing her—” She chokes on a sob. “It just hurts so much. All the time. I just want it to stop.”

I kneel beside her, picking her up and holding her in my arms, seeking just as much comfort as I’m trying to give. But it’s not enough. My tears fall without fear as we both gasp for breath. We stay locked together long after our tears stop and her hiccups die down.

Long after the pain becomes a deep, soul-splitting numbness.

ADDISON

“Oh, and a Boppy!” Emily says, snapping her fingers. Indira scribbles it on the list.

“A what now?” I ask. “Is that one of those things they jump around in?”

“Nope, that’s a jumper,” Emily replies.

I take a sip of my peppermint tea, my new favorite drink now that I’ve mostly given up coffee, and adjust myself on the chair in Emily’s room. “Accurately named, then.”

“A Boppy is a pillow that helps hold the baby while you’re breastfeeding. Or bottle feeding—you know, whichever you’d prefer. But it just helps so you’re not doing all the work on your own. Which reminds me. Bottles. Lots and lots of bottles.”

“And what about clothes?” I ask. “I’ve read online that baby’s go through so many clothes.”

“Oh my god, they do. Between spit up, milk, and poop, you’ll need a good handful of outfits per day. And you’re not going to want to even think about laundry, so you’ll want a lot.”

Matt, Emily’s hospice nurse, chuckles as he makes his way over with her medicine. “Anything I can get for you before I head out, Miss Emily?” he asks.

“I’m good. Thanks, Matt.” She smiles as she grabs the medicine and sets it on the bed in front of her. “See you Wednesday.”

Matt waves at all of us as he leaves the room. For now, he only comes three days a week for a few hours each time. We opted out of having an aide in the home at this time, preferring to care for her on our own as much as possible. When care is needed more full-time, we’ve arranged for Matt to be here overnight and an aide to be available for eight hours during the day. We’re not there yet, though.

It’s a struggle for Emily to swallow her pills, so Indira speaks up to avoid the silence. “How much longer until you find out the sex?”

“Just a month! I was lucky to get the ultrasound scheduled right at twenty weeks. We have our sixteen-week checkup this afternoon, though.” I say excitedly, rubbing my stomach. It’s finally started to round out some rather than just looking like I’m bloated. At this point, I can’t even button my jeans up completely, so I’ve been living in mostly leggings or dresses. When I do leave the house in jeans, I wear a belly band support that keeps my pants from falling down.

“I can’t wait to buy some cute little outfits. Gosh, I love buying baby clothes,” Indira says with a sigh. “It makes me want to run away to France and fall in love and have a bunch of little French babies.”

“Why France?” Emily asks. “Surely you could find some perfectly good sperm in Denver.”

“Do you hear yourself? Perfectly good sperm? In Denver?” Indira mutters. “That dating pool has proved drier than the Sahara. Besides, I want my babies to have a passion for food and travel and culture. What better environment for that than France?”

“Okay, well, can you wait a few more months before you go running off in search of your very own Olivier Giroud? At least until I’m six feet under.”

“Emily, could we not with the macabre humor today, please?” Indira shrugs. “I don’t even know who that is anyway.”

“Look him up. He’s fiiiine.” Emily’s eyebrows dance on her face, and we all laugh.

“Who’s fine?” Chase suddenly pops into view, making me jump. He stretches his arms above his head in the doorway of Emily’s room.

My body immediately heats as my eyes drink him in. God, he is head-to-toe gorgeous. We’ve been taking it slow during the month I’ve been living here, but I’m not sure how much longer I can take. We’ve kissed here and there, but it’s not near enough anymore. I think about him constantly; so much that he’s even infiltrated my dreams. While I don’t mind waking up from an orgasm, I’d much rather have them while awake—with him.

“Indira’s future French boyfriend,” Emily answers, eyeing him in mock annoyance. “What do you want, Chase? We’re very busy women.”

“Yes, I can tell. Busy talking about French men and sperm.” He whips his head over to me and narrows his eyes like the words came from me.

“Are you spying on us?” I ask incredulously.

“Not spying. I could hear you three cackling all the way down the hall. You’re lucky Willow didn’t come up here with me. Come to think of it, I better get her out of the house before our afternoon becomes a lesson in s-e-x.”

“You know I already had that talk with her,” Emily says. “You’re off the hook on that one.”

“Oh, thank God!” he breathes, resting his hand on his chest. “What are you guys really up to?” He lifts his eyebrows and nods at the notebook in front of Indira.

She raises it into the air and then plops it back onto the bed. “We’re busy planning how we’re going to spend all your money.”

“Baby stuff,” I tell him, feeling a little uncomfortable at Indira’s insinuation. “Wow, they need a lot.”

He chuckles and walks over to the chair. “That they do.” He leans down and kisses my lips softly before standing upright and turning so he can address all three of us. “Well, ladies, Willow and I are off to do big things at the grocery store, so the house is all yours. Feel free to be as loud and as crude as you’d like.” He eyes Emily pointedly.

She scoffs, grabbing a throw pillow from behind her back and attempting to toss it at him. Without the necessary strength, it barely makes it to the end of the bed. “Get lost so Addison can tell us more about the hunky men back in LA.”

“That’s just hurtful, Emily, truly.” He leans back down and kisses me again, this time, without any of hint of gentleness. Goose bumps pebble my skin, and he pulls away all too soon to whisper in my ear, “Good luck thinking about those jackasses now.” He nips my ear once, and I shift in my seat as liquid heat floods my stomach.

Chase walks away, pausing in the doorway and turning back to face us. “Any special requests?”

“Some more protein shakes, please,” Emily says. She hasn’t had much of an appetite, and when she does eat, it’s not much. But she tries to sip on a protein shake throughout the day.

He nods and looks at me. “Blueberry Pop-Tarts?”

“Yes, please,” I answer with a smile. He winks and then disappears.

“Whew,” Indira says, fanning herself with the notebook. “That boy has it bad for you. I have never seen him like that before.”

My cheeks turn red as Emily agrees with her. “Moving on,” I tell them.

Emily laughs again and then turns to look at the list in front of Indira. “Hmm, what else?”

“Well,” Indira drags out, “not to pry or anything, but where will the baby sleep?” She looks up at me from her list. “I mean, if you and Chase are in separate bedrooms, do you think a bassinette would work best? A crib might be too big to fit into the guest room in addition to the bed, dresser, and other stuff that baby will need. But you can roll a bassinette back and forth between rooms easily enough.”

I try picturing how that will work. Will we just alternate where the baby sleeps each night? Will I keep the baby at night during the week and maybe he’ll keep him or her on the weekends, when he isn’t working?

That sounds doable, but certainly not ideal. And what will happen if I start working? Or will Chase want me to stay home? I’ve always loved the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, but right now, the thought sends me into a panic. I don’t want to be locked up in this house all day. I don’t want to give up my dream of owning the studio.

I drop my forehead into the palm of my hand and groan. “God, this poor baby. It’s not even here yet, and I already feel like I’m messing everything up.”

“What do you mean?” Indira shakes her head. “You’re not messing anything up.”

“I just feel so lost. I’m having a baby in five months, but I’m not really with the father. I don’t even know where I’ll be living once the baby is born. I don’t know anything. I—”

“Hey, slow down,” Emily says soothingly. She speaks with that calm, motherly voice she uses with Willow. “First of all, a lot of your stress is probably hormone related. Every woman feels crazy when she’s pregnant. Second, yeah, this isn’t a traditional situation, but look at me. I’ve never done anything traditionally either.”

I nod, sending her what I hope is a grateful smile. “I just don’t do well with not knowing what the hell I’m doing,” I say, gesturing around like all my unsolved problems are lined up in her bedroom.

“You’ll figure it out, I promise,” Emily reassures me, not for the first time. “A baby is one of those things you never seem ready for, but once it happens, everything falls right into place. As for Chase”—she raises her eyebrows and tips her head toward the doorway—“you two seem to have some serious feelings for each other.”

“Yeah, we do. I mean, I know I do. We haven’t really talked about it much, though.”

“What in the world?” Indira says. “Why not?”

I shrug, feeling slightly embarrassed. “When I first moved in, I didn’t really feel comfortable jumping right into something. I didn’t want us to force a relationship just because we’re having a baby together.” I pause, unsure of how honest I should be. Emily’s been nothing but supportive and hospitable and has treated me like I’m her long-lost friend. But it still feels like I’m encroaching on her territory. “I also didn’t want to disrespect you and the life you two have built here.”

“Oh, Addison, no,” Emily says, looking genuinely upset. “You don’t have to worry about me. You know that, right?”

“I do now, yes. In the beginning . . . Well, I didn’t truly understand your dynamic.”

“Not that you need it or anything, but you more than have my blessing. You had it then, and you have it tenfold now. Indira is right. He’s never been this way with anyone else.” She pauses as her eyes fill with tears. “Sorry. Of course I’m going to cry right now.”

She sighs. “Addison, you’ve given me such a gift without even realizing it. I don’t want to say that Chase had become a shell, because that seems a little unfair to him. But he’s definitely the type to become so focused on his responsibilities and helping others that he forgets to experience any joy. He forgets that relaxing and seeking out those happy moments, no matter how fleeting, are just as important as his obligations. But over this past month, I’ve seen more of the old Chase again. I’ve seen my best friend again. So, please don’t let me stop you two from experiencing all the happiness you can find. He’s going to need every single ounce of it .”

* * *

“Ah, Miss McCormick, lovely to see you again. And Chase, a pleasure as always.”

“Dr. Hulbrooke.” Chase extends his hand and the two shake.

“So, how have you been since I last saw you, Miss McCormick? I’m assuming the bleeding eased.”

“Bleeding?” Chase asks. His eyebrow is furrowed as he looks back and forth between the two of us.

My heart drops. I hope he isn’t upset that I didn’t tell him about the bleeding incident. I had planned on doing so that night, but the two of them were so stressed when they’d gotten home that I decided to wait. The bleeding had stopped by the next day, and since the doctor had confirmed that everything was fine, I just didn’t think to say anything.

“Um, I had some bleeding a few weeks ago,” I tell Chase. “Dr. Hulbrooke was able to get me in quickly and ease my worries.”

“Oh” is all he says, but I swear I feel his arm tense beside me.

Crap.

I can barely focus throughout the rest of the appointment, doing my best to smile and answer questions. But the second Dr. Hulbrooke leaves the room, I turn to Chase.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I reach out for his hand, needing that comfort. “It was kind of an emergency and—”

“What do you mean it was an emergency?” he asks, recoiling as if I slapped him. “That makes not knowing even worse.”

“Everything’s fine,” I assure him. “You saw Dr. Hulbrooke. He wasn’t worried. I just had some bleeding the day you and Emily went into Denver, but the baby was fine. I should have told you the next day, but I just got wrapped up in everything, I guess. At the time, it felt unimportant compared to what Emily had going on.”

“Yeah,” he says absently. He puts his hands on his hips and looks around the room. After a few tense seconds, he faces me. “I feel like this is partially my fault. So much of my focus has been on Emily. I am trying, but maybe it isn’t enough if you don’t understand that I would want to know something like this.”

“No, Chase, this isn’t your fault. It just fell through the cracks. Things that like that happen. And I know we’re all doing the best we can right now. We should just focus on the fact that the baby is fine. And we get to find out the sex in a month, so that’s exciting, right?”

“Am I invited this time?” he asks.

I laugh, at first thinking he’s joking, but the serious look on his face tells me otherwise. My shoulders drop. “I really am sorry, Chase.”

“I know. Sorry, that wasn’t fair. It’s okay.” He takes a step closer, looking down at me as he grabs my hands. “But moving forward, I need to know if something happens, or if you have an appointment, or if you so much as have a headache. I want to know these things, Addison. You’re not alone anymore. You have people who care about you.”

I nod my head and allow him to pull me into his chest. I play those words over and over inside my mind as he holds me.

You’re not alone anymore.

He’s right. I’m not.

And for the first time since my mother died, I finally feel it to be true.

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