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She scrunches her face, clearly confused.
“Love is a foreign concept for me. I mean the romantic kind.”
“Why? It’s no different from any other kind.”
She has a point. I don’t know how to explain myself. I look at my hands and spread them open on the table.
“I can trust my hands to do exactly what I need them to do. I know they won’t tremble when I hold a scalpel. They’ll make a perfect incision. They’re steady and trustworthy.”
“I get that you only trust what you see. You love your dad, right? You trust him?”
“I do, but he’s my father, Willow. He raised me. He’s protected me since I took my first breath. He’s proven over and over that he will never fail me.”
“I get it now,” she sighs as she leans back in her chair. “Your dad proved himself to you before you even knew what love was. Jaxson walked away after you realized you were in love with him.”
“When I met him the night of the party… it was like striking a match. It’s as if chemicals reacted causing a combustion every time we spoke. He made me feel something I’ve never felt before.”
She tilts her head and pins me with a serious look.
“You mentioned that earlier. You do know feeling something for someone is a good thing, right?”
I let out a burst of laughter which quickly turns sour.
“Not when it hurts, Willow. That night almost broke me. For a while, I really thought it did. I won’t be able to cope with that kind of pain a second time.”
Her expression turns gentle, and she smiles warmly.
“It’s been almost six years. You’ve both changed. Jaxson is not the kind of man who walks away from those he loves.”
“I know.” I look down at the caramel liquid in my cup. “He’s an amazing friend, just not to me.
He’s supportive, understanding, caring and loving, just not to me.”
“It’s because you didn’t get to know him, Leigh. You had just met him when your mother passed away. You had a night of wild sex, which I only found out about now. I’m not happy about that.” Her lips form an O as she realizes something. “Hold on.” With wide eyes, she stares at me. “Was Jaxson your first?”
I want to crawl under the table as my face flushes. It’s funny how I have so much confidence when I walk into a hospital, but in everyday life, I have none.
“He was my only,” I say so quietly, Willow has to lean in to hear me.
“Well, that explains it all.”
“It does?”
I hate being confused. It makes my insides feel chaotic.
“You shared something special with him. You opened yourself up to him in a way you never have before. You were vulnerable, emotional… you were one hell of a mess,” she adds dryly. “I felt the same when I had sex for the first time.”
I frown at her. “You did?”
She leans forward a look of understanding adding warmth to her gentle smile.
“You had no one to talk to. If I had known, I could’ve explained it to you. But I’m here now, so let me sum it up for you.”
I feel a twinge of sadness that I haven’t been a better friend to Willow since my mom died. Willow understands the way my mind works. It’s only her and Dad. Knowledge is my coping mechanism. I’m a realist. I lean forward, ready to absorb whatever information she’s going throw my way.
“At some point, you and Jaxson made a connection. You liked what you saw, and he obviously liked what he saw. There was a spark. You know, like the combustion you referred to earlier.”
I nod to show her I understand. It’s kind of similar to the big bang effect.
