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I don’t mention that I spent half the night thinking of fucking Willow until either of us couldn’t walk straight.
“What’s the problem then?” Jaxson sounds edgy as if he’s busy losing his patience with me. I can’t blame him. He’s been dealing with my shit for far too long.
“I held her until she fell asleep.” The words sound as sad as I feel. “I carried her to bed and tried to keep some distance between us, but she rolled over to my side. Her body was spread-eagle over mine, and all I kept thinking was why we would never work.”
Jaxson just looks at me, waiting for me to continue.
“I got to hold Willow. I got to feel her body against mine. I got a taste, and it only makes me want more.”
“I still don’t see the problem,” Jaxson says, actually sounding bored.
“I can’t do that to her. I can’t start a relationship with her, knowing how bad it can end.”
Jaxson darts up and slams his hands on my desk. “Are you fucking listening to yourself?”
I don’t drop my eyes from his angry stare.
“Let me ask you this,” he hisses. “If I had kids, do you think I’d leave them?”
“Of course not.” Jaxson will be an incredible father.
“But my father left me, Marcus. Fuck, even my mother left me. I’m double screwed.”
I close my eyes as his words sink in.
“The chances of you going insane like your father is the same as the chances of me becoming a loser like my parents.”
“I know,” I whisper.
Jaxson places his hand on my desk and leans over it. I’ve never seen him this angry before.
“What the fuck is the problem then? I’m sick and tired of seeing you like this. I love you, Marcus. I’m not going to stand by with my arms crossed and watch you fuck up your life.”
All the reasons I’ve been telling myself why Willow and I could never work, race through my mind. Knowing Jaxson will see through every one of them, I have no choice but to admit the reason out loud.
“What if I lose her?”
I watch Jaxson take a deep breath as he tries to control his anger, but it’s not working.
“You’re already fucking losing her,” he growls.
“Not like that. I mean what if I let Willow in and she dies?”
“Marcus,” Jaxson groans as a look of frustration crosses his face. “I could die tomorrow, but that doesn’t stop you from loving me. What’s the difference between Willow and me?”
I roll my chair back and get up. Only when I’m standing in front of the window and looking down at the busy streets, do I say the words out loud for the first time.
“You were supposed to spend the night,” I whisper. “But your mom wouldn’t let you. If she had said yes, he would’ve killed you as well.” I take a moment to gather my thoughts, wanting the words to come out right. “In a way, you survived my father. I know it doesn’t make sense. Before it all happened, you were there. You were in that house the whole day. When I woke up, you were still there. I lost everyone I loved, except for you.”
Jaxson comes to stand next to me, but I keep my eyes on the view below.
“I can’t even think about losing you. You’ve become my life. You’re my family. The thought of losing you –” I can’t finish the sentence as my throat closes up. I take a few deep breaths before I whisper, “It terrifies me. If I let Willow in, she will only be one more person I will fear losing.”
We stand in silence for a long while.
“The thought of losing me terrifies you because I am all you have,” Jaxson whispers. “You’re scared you’ll wake up one day, and I won’t be there because that means you’ll wake up to an empty room.”
“That pretty much sums it up,” I mumble.
