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“I think it’s a rural area, and this is a John Deere, and there were likely a lot of tractors in that area that wouldn’t have been taken with them when people migrated. There’s a better chance of finding one there than there is sitting around here and hoping one falls in our lap.”
“And you want to look for antibiotics.”
“Yes.”
He stares at me for a long time, and I can see the exact second when he stops fighting internally.
So I say, “Who do you want to send with me?” He starts to object, but I continue before he can. “I have to go. We’ve been over this. No one else will be able to recognize the antibiotics that might work.”
He makes a guttural sound, but then his shoulders and jaw relax. “Fine. You’ll go. There’s only about a fifty-fifty chance that whoever I choose to go with you is going to make it back alive. Whose life do you think we should risk like that?”
I narrow my eyes, holding his gaze. “So it’s you and me then?”
He inclines his head in a quick half nod. “It’s you and me.”
“Okay. We’ll leave first thing in the morning.”
***
IF THINGS GO WELL ONthe trip, Jackson and I will only be gone for two days, but there’s no reason to assume things will go well. Miguel and Kate are just as good at keeping things running smoothly at the farm as Jackson and I are, so everyone should be fine while we’re gone, but it still makes me nervous. So I give Kate a whole list of instructions after the evening gathering.
Jackson must be nervous too because he does the same with Miguel.
For a couple of days after Caden was kicked out, Jackson went out for several hours without explanation. I know he was looking for Caden, making sure he wasn’t going to cause trouble for us.
He evidently couldn’t find him, but that’s probably a good sign. No gang or Wolf Pack has tried to make a run at our gates. Caden most likely got killed before he got even ten miles away. I understand why Jackson was worried about it, but we can’t put our whole lives on hold on the off-chance that he lucked out and hooked up with dangerous companions. Our defenses are good here, and Miguel and Kate can hold them as well as Jackson and I can.
Molly is going to die if we don’t do something, and we need a working tractor. We can’t wait on this trip anymore.
It’s still hard for me to think about leaving New Haven alone for two whole days, and I’m restless and anxious when I wash up before bed.
I want to go to Jackson’s room. It will make me feel better. I even start down the hall, nearly shaking with my need to get to him.
But I stop in the middle of the hall.
This simply isn’t good for me. I can’t need someone this much.
I need to work on being stronger. More self-sufficient.
After all, Jackson could die at any given moment, and I’d be left entirely alone.
It’s the knowledge of this reality and the utter despair the possibility conjures up in me that propels me into turning around and heading back to my own room.
I don’t need sex that bad. I don’t need anything that bad. I’ll wean myself off this weird obsession I’ve developed, and I’ll be better and stronger when I’m able to shake it.
I should be settled in this decision since it must be the right one, but I still can’t sleep when I get into my own bed. I toss and turn and worry and wage mental debates with myself and imagine what Jackson is thinking when I don’t show up tonight.
The night is almost over, and I haven’t gotten any sleep at all when I get up with a groan. It will be dawn in another hour. No sense in lying in bed being miserable any longer. There are a few logistical things I want to take care of before we go anyway.
Jackson always gets up before anyone else. There’s a good chance he’ll already be awake. I’ll go talk over a couple of things with him, and then I’ll get dressed and ready for the trip.
Maybe it’s a result of the lack of sleep and my scattered brain, but this seems like a perfectly reasonable plan to me as I walk barefoot down the hall and tap lightly on his door.
I don’t normally knock, but this is an unusual time, and I’m not here for sex.
I hear a grunt that proves he’s awake, so I swing the door open and step inside.
He’s clearly just gotten out of bed, which surprises me. He’s totally naked and scowling as he approaches me. “What the hell took you so long?” he demands thickly before he pushes the door closed behind me and swings me up into his arms.
