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“Go wash up and rest a little. I’ll take care of everything here. And I can do the gathering tonight on my own if you want.”
I shake my head. “We lost Brett and Molly. I’m going to be there too.”
But I do what he says otherwise. I let him take care of what’s left to do since I’m not sure I’d be able to do it anyway.
I spend some time alone in my room, but it doesn’t really make me feel more like myself. I help with dinner, and then Jackson and I lead the others in saying goodbye to our friends, the way we always have. We read Psalm 23 out loud. Then we talk about all the good things we remember. I even manage to tell a little anecdote about both Brett and Molly.
I give Ham and Langley hugs afterward since they both seem to need it. And then it’s time for bed. I go to my room. Wash up. Change into a gown. And sit on the edge of my bed. Shaking.
I want to go to Jackson so much I can barely hold myself back, but I only go to him for sex. And there’s no way I’m up for that tonight.
I sit on the side of my bed for a long time, trapped by indecision.
I have no idea what to do.
I don’t want Jackson to fuck me. I just want him.
