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nine
WE LIE TOGETHER FORa long time. I think I actually drift off into light sleep, although I’m not aware of doing so.
What pulls me back into consciousness is Jackson moving over and pressing light kisses onto my jaw and then down my neck.
It doesn’t surprise me. He’s often liked to go for seconds (and sometimes thirds). Especially when we were having sex only every few weeks. He usually gets going right away though, before I have time to assume it’s over and head back to my room. But I’m not planning to go anywhere tonight, and he must know that. So we’ve had a chance to rest.
I smile in the dark and tilt my head away to give him better access to my neck. He strokes my hair as he nibbles and teases. It feels good. Startlingly tender.
Maybe it’s the fact that we haven’t jumped right into it, but Jackson feels softer. Slower. He moves down to my breasts and gives them a lot of attention. So much that soon I can’t keep my hips still. They shift restlessly. My hands move from clutching the sheets to caressing Jackson’s back, arms, and head.
When I start to babble out soft pleas, he slides one of his hands down to my pussy and fucks me with two fingers until I reach orgasm.
“I love to watch you come,” he says as he kisses his way down to my belly. My body is still shuddering with delicious little aftershocks, and I haven’t yet caught my breath.
“Why?” My fingers are in his hair now, tangling in the thick waves. It really needs to be cut soon. It’s almost long enough to pull it into a ponytail.
“Why? What kind of question is that?” He’s reached my groin, and he parts my thighs and rubs his face against my pussy. “Why can’t I just love it?”
“You can. But usually there’s a reason.” I’m getting turned on again. My hands tighten into fists in his hair.
“I like to watch you lose control. You hardly ever do it.” He holds me open with his fingers and gives my clit a few jabs with his tongue.
I gasp and have to fight not to grind myself against his face. “I’m not that bad.”
“You’re not bad at all.” He slides his fingers inside me again and pumps them as he teases my clit with his mouth. “You’re amazing. You’re so brave. And so strong. And still somehow so... so compassionate. But you don’t let down your guard very often. I’m the only one who gets to see you like this.”
I’m about to come again. I’m trying to ride his fingers and gouging my fingernails into his scalp. But it’s his words as much as his touch that’s driving me over the edge. I manage to gasp, “See me like what?”
“Like this. Open. Exposed. Passionate. Needy.” He sucks hard on my clit until I sob and shake through a deep orgasm. Then he kisses his way back up my body, murmuring, “And like this. Soft. Breathless. Warm. Satisfied.” There’s a smile in his voice as he reaches my mouth, and I see it on his face as he gazes down on me. “No one but me gets to see you this way.”
The timbre of his voice lifts slightly at the end, and I suddenly wonder if it’s a question. I answer it either way. Cup his face with my hand. “No one but you, Jackson. You should really know that by now.”
He makes that guttural sound in his throat that’s almost but not quite a growl. Then he kisses my mouth, and it gets deep really quickly. I reach between our bodies for his cock. He’s fully aroused again, and I touch him greedily as we kiss.
Soon he’s breaking the kiss so he can move into position between my legs. As he fits himself inside me, I wrap my legs around him, and we rock together with matching hunger.
And I feel with him in this. With him. For real. Not just our bodies fucking, but something else—so much more—making us one.
It’s that. I’m sure it’s that. That sudden, bone-deep knowledge that makes me cry.
I’m not even sure how I start, but soon there are tears pooling in my eyes and streaming down the sides of my face. Jackson is still fucking me—big and strong and warm and tender—and it’s everything I’ve wanted. It feels so good. I might even be able to come again. But I can’t stop crying.
It doesn’t make any sense. I almost never cry anymore. So why I am now—for no good reason—is baffling. Terrifying.
Maybe we get to the point where the softest shift can break us, and this is the breaking point for me.
I try to hide it, but he sees it anyway. Of course he does. His rhythm slows and then stops. Then his cock is slipping out of me, and he’s propping himself above me on both arms. His voice is soft and rough as he says, “I thought this was what you wanted.”
He sounds almost broken, and it makes me cry even more.
“Did I misunderstand?” He’s sitting up now on the bed. Moving away from me. “Did I push too far? I thought we... we worked it out. I thought we were together. For real.”
“We are!” I almost choke on the words, so desperate am I to get them said. “We are together.”
“But you’re still not happy. I can’t make you happy.”
“You can—” I break off whatever argument came to my lips. I sit up on the bed like he is, and I wipe away the tears with both my hands. Something has suddenly become clear to me that was hidden in haze before. “I am happy with you. I don’t want anyone else. But I need... I need more than that. In my life.” I clear the gravel from my throat and keep wiping away the tears that won’t seem to stop. I pull up the sheet over my chest since I’m totally naked.
