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It’s a long time as he looks at me and breathes. I don’t rush him because it seems like he’s trying to process everything. Then finally he nods.
I suck in a quick inhalation. “What does that nod mean?”
“It means I think I get it. I’m with you. I think I understand. I get what you’re saying.”
“So you don’t mind if I make that trip?”
He shakes his head with a little smile. “I don’t mind. Not that it’s ever stopped you before.”
“I know that, but I meant what I said. I don’t want you to hate what I’m doing.”
“I’m always going to hate anything that puts you in danger. I can’t help it. But I won’t resent it. I think I get it. You want to do more than just survive. As long as that more doesn’t take you away from me too often or you decide you don’t want me for your man anymore. Because I’m never going to be okay with that.”
I giggle and kind of throw myself against him in a hug. “That’s never going to happen. I’m always going to want you for my man.”
“That’s good then. We’re good.” He tightens his arms around me, and he doesn’t let me go.
***
I MAKE PLANS TO LEAVEthe following week for the eastern part of Kentucky. Jackson and I ask for volunteers since we don’t want to make anyone required to make a trip that might be dangerous. So it ends up being me, Ham, Gail, and Langley, which seems like a good group to me.
I’m excited about it—and excited that Jackson seems to genuinely understand and support me. So the next days are good ones. I work hard during the days on my normal chores and also getting ready for the trip. And I go to bed with Jackson every night. We have a lot of sex, and then we stay awake in the dark and talk. I sleep really well and wake up happy, secure for the first time in the knowledge that Jackson feels about me the same way I feel about him.
On the morning I’m planning to leave, I’m in a rush to get everything done, and when I finally get out to the garage to the packed pickup truck we’re taking, I’m on a breathless sort of high.
The only thing I’m not looking forward to is leaving Jackson, even just for a few days.
I’m surprised to see him standing next to the driver’s door of the truck. He’s wearing his worn jeans and a black T-shirt that we salvaged from that Walmart. He pushes his hair back from his forehead and gives me a little half smile.
I come up to him, frowning in confusion. Then I notice the filled backpack set at his feet. “What are—”
“I’m coming with you,” he says softly when I get close.
I gasp and raise my hands to his chest. “You are?”
With a sheepish nod, he admits, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said. And I think... I think I want my world to be bigger too.”
I make a little sobbing sound and pull him down into a hug. He hugs me back but just for a minute. He says against my ear, “Not while everyone else is watching, kitten. You can hug me better later on.”
I giggle and pull away. Make a face at Ham, who is giving me a teasing grin.
We start off, and I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. Jackson’s trying to hide it with his normal stern expression, but I can see he feels the same way.
Maybe happiness won’t be such a stranger to us again.
***
A WEEK LATER, WE’REcoming back home.
The trip went surprisingly well. The drives there and back were safe and uneventful. We had some engine trouble on the return trip, but Jackson was able to figure out a makeshift temporary solution that got us home where he can work on better repairs. We made a detour to that Walmart on our way back and got a truckload of salvaged supplies and clothes.
And we did a lot of good for the people who are trying to resettle. We brought them some chickens and helped them in planning their gardens and wheat crops. We taught them how to make flour and bread and how to can fruit and vegetables for the winter.
I’m absolutely exhausted as the gates of New Haven come into view, but it’s a good kind of tired. A feeling of accomplishment. Purpose.
I’ve wanted that for so long and only recently have been able to recognize it.
Jackson is behind the steering wheel beside me, and he glances over just then, giving me a tiny little smile that transforms his whole face.
