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8
The Wolf Packsare still camped out over the bunker, using the buildings we constructed and all the resources we left on the surface. At least four or five different violent gangs must have gathered there, combining their force into one. They’re trying to get into the bunker itself, since they evidently know what it offers, but so far they’ve been unsuccessful.
That’s what Grant tells me after his scouting trip with Jackson.
When working together, the packs are too dangerous to the region to let them remain even if we were willing to leave our people trapped in the bunker. A group like that will continue collecting stragglers and bullies and anyone else who’d rather take what they want with violence. So, on the day Grant and Jackson return, Faith and Jackson send out a bunch of messages trying to build a force to oust the Wolf Packs and take the bunker back.
We wait three days, and no one comes.
Faith doesn’t appear worried. She explains it takes time for news to spread without telephones and internet, but I get more and more anxious as the days pass.
There are quite a few competent fighters here at New Haven, but Faith and Jackson aren’t going to send them all out at one time. If it doesn’t work, there would be no one left to guard the farm. The most they’re willing to risk is eight or nine.
That many, plus me and Grant, isn’t nearly enough to take our camp back.
What if no one else comes? What if everyone is hunkered down, trying to protect themselves? It would be the natural impulse. I wouldn’t blame anyone in the world for doing that. It’s what disaster often does to people.
But this isn’t something we can do alone.
On the fourth morning, I wake up by myself in our bed. It can’t be much past dawn, but Grant barely sleeps, so he must already have gotten up.
I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. My heart is already racing with that constant anxiety I’m living with now.
It’s not good for me. I need to swim—move my body, clear my mind, control my breathing. But I don’t have my pool anymore.
And I may never have it again.
For some reason the realization slices through my chest. It hurts so much I bend over toward my knees, covering my face with my hands. I shake in tight, tearless sobs.
“Fuck.” The hoarse voice comes from the doorway. “What happened, princess? What’s the matter?” Grant strides in and sits beside me, lifting my upper body so he can see my face.
My hands are still covering it. I force the emotion back down until my shoulders are still. It’s only then I lower my arms. “Nothing. Nothing happened.”
“Don’t lie to me. You were crying. You’re still trying not to cry right now. Tell me what the fuck is going on!” His voice isn’t loud. He’s almost never loud. But it’s rough with what I understand now is real feeling. His expression is fierce and demanding.
“I’m not crying over anything important. It’s… it’s silly. Stupid and selfish.”
Some of the intensity fades from his face. “I don’t care if it’s silly. I still want to know what it is.”
I hesitate because I know how petty it sounds, but it feels like he cares about me right now, and I need that so much. So I choke out, “I just… I just miss the pool.” One ridiculous tear leaks out.
Grant very gently swipes it away with his thumb. He breathes, “Shit.”
“I told you it was silly. I know it’s ridiculous to get upset about it. I mean, things are literally life and death, and I’m having a little breakdown over… over that. But it’s been the one thing in my whole life that’s always been there. That’s… that’s grounded me. Even while the world fell apart, I could still swim every morning. It’s always shaped who I am. And now…” I’m trying so hard not to cry that I gasp raggedly. “What if I never have a pool again?”
He wraps one arm around me and pulls me toward his side. I burrow there, seeking comfort. Finding it. It’s a full minute before he finally murmurs, “Then I’ll find you a good lake, and you can swim in that.”
The words surprise me so much I pull away slightly, just enough for me to blink up into his face.
“A lake would work for you, wouldn’t it?”
I make the most absurd sound. Halfway between a giggle and a sob, and I lean against him again. “Yeah. Yeah, a lake would work just fine.”
“Okay then. So we’ll still be okay if anything happens to your pool. But I’m telling you right now, we’re getting the bunker back even if I have to do it myself.”
“You won’t have to do it yourself.” I straighten up, feeling much better now. “You’ll never have to do it by yourself because I’m going to be there with you.”
His eyes soften just slightly. “Yeah?”
