Page 31 of No Funny Business


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“No, you be a friend and get her an Uber, Mr. Chivalry,” I say, doing my best to argue my way out of taking her with us, the same way Elton argued his way out of taking Tai home in Clueless after the party in the Valley. Sweat beads at my temples and under my arms. I wonder if the Valley gets this hot at night.

“She’s coming home with me for a bit.” Coming home with him? Then I remember Herb’s sobering words when he first spotted me at the condo—Isn’t it a little early to be bringing girls over? So Nick’s one of those guys. Figures, with that face. Those biceps. That humor.

“Huh.” I huff, taking a defensive stance.

A plume of smoke expels from his smirked mouth. “You’re not jealous, are you?”

I flash him my best as if face. “Absolutely not. I just don’t want to set a precedent that it’s okay for you to shove my ass in the back every time you pick up some rando at a show.”

“She’s not a rando. I was with her the last time I was here.”

“How romantic.”

“So will you be cool?” he asks.

“That depends. What’ll you give me for the seat?”

“You and your negotiations. How ’bout I buy you another burger on the way to Atlanta?”

I may have underestimated this one because that’s a good offer, but I maintain my poker face. “That might work. But I get to pick the restaurant.”

He offers his hand to seal the deal. “Done.”

“Hey, Nicky!” The voice of someone not quite old enough to rent a car sings near us.

Nicky?

“Hey, you.” He walks over to the young blonde. Oh, I see. She’s one of the cocktail waitresses from the club. Nicky offers to take her backpack. A chauffer and a bellhop, huh?

She kisses his cheek, leaving a faded pink mark on his stubble. “Thank you.”

Ugh.

Nick hands me the waitress’s sack. “Stick this in the back with you, would ya?” Just for that, I’m adding bacon to my burger.

“Hey!” The waitress, whose name I still don’t know because Nick isn’t quite attentive enough to introduce us, waves to me.

“Hi!” It’s hard not to offer her a phony smile and mimic her bright tone.

Nick opens the car door and she slides into the passenger seat like a princess. “Be cool,” he says, passing me on his way around to the driver’s side. I climb inside the back and squeeze in between the pile of boxes. When I scoot a stack off to the side, there’s a clinking noise. That’s funny, T-shirts don’t clink. I bet it’s filled with CDs he can sell in parts of the U.S. where people still use dial-up internet.

Finding a way to sit back here is like a game of Tetris. I try legs crossed facing the back. Knees up facing the front. Then settle on knees up facing the back with the waitress’s bag near my feet. The Jeep backs out and my butt wobbles on the hard flooring. I should’ve negotiated a second burger.

“I liked your routine, Olivia,” the woman says, easing my harsh judgment of the situation.

“Thank you.”

“Too bad the mic went out on you the first time.” Thanks for the sympathy. “It’s always good to have women in the lineup. That’s what I love about you, Nick. You’re not afraid to share the stage with a woman.” I can’t see but she sounds like she’s tracing her finger around his ear and down his neck with a starry-eyed gaze.

“He’s quite the hero,” I offer.

We ride along the highway, which is ridiculously crowded considering it’s after midnight. My eyes wander around the loopy ramps, commercial buildings, and luxury apartment complexes right off the road. Then I see something I somehow missed on the way to the club. That notable piece of the capital’s architecture.

“Hey, is that the Washington Monument?” I say, harking back to the moment I saw the Empire State Building in New York for the first time. The screen never quite does the structures justice. I guess some things are better live.

“Yeah, it’s huge,” Nick says.

“You’re not jealous, are you?” I throw Nick’s words back at him and, at the same time, feel certain that our white forefathers were trying to compensate for something. The waitress laughs at this, slowly winning me over.

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