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“Well, it’s good to know we have y’all’s attention.” I set my notes aside and unravel the flatware from a paper napkin. “What took you so long? I’m starving.”
“Had to grab a smoke.”
Why a man his age, who grew up with printed warning labels on the side of cigarette boxes, would smoke is completely beyond my comprehension. “You know, you’ll be dead in your forties if you keep that up.”
“You sound like my mother,” he says. Must be nice to have one of those around.
Before I can quip back, our waitress appears with glowing, sun-kissed skin and a perfectly contoured face like one of those MAC counter girls. “How y’all doin’ today?” she asks with a sweet Carolina drawl.
“Thank God you’re here,” Nick says, somewhat dramatically. “This woman is in desperate need of a hamburger.”
She grins and locks her gaze with his. It’s the second time I feel like I’m intruding on his moment with a waitress. “Well, you’ve come to the right place. What can I get you?” The woman turns her body toward me but keeps her gaze on Nick. I order a bacon cheeseburger with fries and a tea. Sweet, of course. My burger buddy kindly asks the waitress what she recommends.
“Can I see your menu?” she asks, and leans over the table, flipping it open. Nick’s eyes trail up her face and down her chest as she reads off a few recommendations. I wish he would stop.
“Her eyes are up there, Nicky,” I remind him.
Nick’s face flushes and he rubs the back of his neck, meeting her gaze. “Which one’s your favorite?”
“I’m a fan of the double,” she says, but her waist tells a different story.
“A woman who likes her beef. I’ll take it.”
He did not just say that to her.
I watch the look in her eyes change from intrigued to insatiable. “I’ll get this right in for you.” He hands over the menu with an air of satisfaction and watches her walk away.
“Looks like you made another friend,” I say, snapping him out of his trance.
“Mmm, I do love to make new friends.” He finally looks back at me and narrows his eyes like he’s got a burning question—a really intrusive one. I brace myself. “If you could have a burger with any comedian, dead or alive, who would it be?” Whew, not nearly as meddlesome as I thought. Let’s see... the list of comedians I dream of meeting is incredibly long. They’re all so different and meeting each of them would be meaningful in its own unique way. But I’ll have to go with: “Margaret Cho.”
He nods. “Not a bad choice. Why her?”
I let my mind drift back to the mid-’90s. “Well, when I was like nine my dad would let me stay up and watch stand-up with him. As long as I promised to never repeat swear words at school, of course. All of my friends had to be in bed by ten on Saturdays, and I felt like such a rebel.” I smirk. “Anyway, it was one of HBO’s half-hour specials and Margaret Cho was the star. It was the first time I’d seen a woman do stand-up. It blew my mind. I really thought comedy was a masculine thing.”
“Really, why?” he asks.
“I don’t know. I guess because I thought it wasn’t ladylike. People always praised me for being a sweet little girl. But when I started making sarcastic remarks and cracking jokes, it felt like the opposite of sugar and spice, you know? Sometimes I hated that about myself.”
“What? Having a sense of humor?”
“Yeah, like I couldn’t be funny and a girl at the same time. Can you believe that? As late as the ’90s I believed that. But after watching Margaret Cho onstage, I couldn’t sleep. So I stayed up in my room, using a hairbrush as a mic and trying to make up jokes about celebrities like Michael Jackson and Madonna.” I watch the corners of Nick’s mouth turn up. “I might’ve gotten into stand-up regardless but watching her let me know it was possible to be funny and female.”
Man, I haven’t thought about that in so long. That was back when I was small enough to lie on the love seat and fit. “So what about you? Who would you have a burger with?”
“Our buddy Jerry Seinfeld, of course. Same reason as you.”
“You mean he proved men could be funny?” I joke.
“He was the first example of someone making a living doing stand-up. I wanted to be like him on the show—get into oddball adventures with my friends—”
“Date a lot of beautiful women.”
“Exactly.”
Hmm, maybe we really are Jerry and Elaine. I always did have the sense Elaine had a thing for Jerry. A thing that could’ve destroyed a perfectly sound friendship.
“So, are you living the dream?” I ask.
