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Walker shook his head. “Dad…”
“No, you don’t need to try to tell me otherwise. I know it is. It’s my fault. It sure as hell ain’t yours.”
Something welled up in Walker, a feeling that he recognized from deep, deep in his past. The need to comfort his father, to make him feel better when it was clear that he wasn’t doing well.
“You were strugglin’, Dad. You were sick. I…” He was torn between his need to follow his emotion and his need to not let his father off the hook.
“You’re right.” Benny nodded. “I was. I was sick and strugglin’ and dealin’ with all kinds of my own shit, but that didn’t make it right that I drug you along with me through it all. I should have given you to Mama earlier. Way earlier. Shit, probably shoulda handed you over the second you were born. Maybe then you wouldn’t hate me so much.”
“I don’t hate you, Dad.” His heart felt heavy at the thought of his father believing that. “I swear I don’t. I… I’m scared is all. All that time I spent with you, and the aftermath of everybody in Greenbelt knowin’ every damned detail… it messed me up. The PTSD changed the way my brain works and the way I feel and perceive things. It’s hard for me to be around you and talk to you sometimes because I immediately get transported back to bein’ that scared little boy ridin’ in the passenger seat of your car way too young. No seatbelt on, no safety or security, no daddy conscious enough to make sure I was doin’ all right.”
Benny hung his head, sniffling, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. Walker’s eyes welled up, and he begged his lips not to tremble.
“But that doesn’t mean I hate you, or that I don’t want you around.” He kept going, even as his voice shook. “It just means I need you to be patient with me. I need you to understand that you can’t just move to Greenbelt and start carryin’ on like we’re any old family who doesn’t have the baggage we do.”
Benny’s jaw clenched. Walker could see that he was trying to hold himself back from crying. He didn’t know what he’d do if his father started sobbing outright.
“I can do that,” Benny told him. “Whatever I need to do, I will. I’ll take your lead on all of it. I just want to gain your trust. I want to be somebody you turn to. I want to be your father.”
“I’d like that too.…”
And that was it. Harder than he’d thought by a mile and somehow easier too. No big plans, no sweeping declarations—only the promise that they would both try to be better.
Neither man said anything else. They ate their cobbler in silence. Trying, for the first time, to enjoy each other’s company. Now that his taste buds weren’t bitter with the acrid taste of anxiety, Walker could finally enjoy his summer peaches and melted ice cream.
Flaky and buttery and sweet. It was the perfect harmony of flavors that never seemed to get old. Walker had been searching for the words to describe what eating this cobbler felt like for over a decade. He’d never managed to nail anything down. Not until he was able to sit in one of Gram’s old kitchen chairs across from his sober father at least. Now he realized he knew exactly how eating that cobbler made him feel. Like he was home. It gave him the feeling he imagined other people had when they were locked up tight in their cozy houses with their loving families and an unending sense of contentment.
Before, the cobbler had been the only thing that made him feel that way. But things were different. Something settled in him while in the quiet company of his family. Just like something had settled in him when he’d realized that he loved Aja.
Maybe that was why he’d started calling her Peaches without a second thought. Not only because the space between her thighs rivaled even Minnie’s best work, but because he unconsciously recognized that she made him feel as at home as the cobbler did.
Wasn’t that what he’d been looking for his entire life? A home to feel safe in? A place where he could be all of himself—from the scared little boy that hid inside of him to the mostly self-assured grown man?
He’d spent the past month mulling Adya’s words over. She’d said if he loved Aja, he would try. At the time he hadn’t been willing. He thought that if he gave himself enough time, he would get over her, that his love would fade the longer the distance between them lasted.
But the longer it went on, the more unbearable it became. When he’d driven into Greenbelt that morning, he’d had to tighten his hands on the steering wheel to the point of pain to keep himself from driving to her apartment. It didn’t feel right to be in town and not see her. It felt like a betrayal. And he fucking hated the thought of betraying her, especially after he’d broken her heart.
It hit him like a Mack Truck, this newfound openness to the possibilities of what their relationship could be. He couldn’t ignore the correlation between this and the resolution he’d come to with his father. He’d shown himself that things that were hard were sometimes worth it. He’d proven that he didn’t need all the answers right now. He could go for what he wanted, what he knew in his gut was right, with both fear and eagerness in his heart, and come through it with something worth having.
Maybe he’d needed this. Needed to set himself on the right path with his father before he was ready to open himself up to Aja. He felt ready to make hard decisions. To risk being hurt. All for the possibility that he might be rewarded with something incredible. A real relationship with Benny. A once-in-a-lifetime love with Aja.
The need to go to her rose up in him so fast that he shot up out of his chair. His father looked up at him with wide eyes.
“Are you OK?”
“Yeah.” Walker patted his pockets to make sure he had his phone and keys. “I need to go though. I have somethin’ I need to do.”
“Oh.…” The disappointment on Benny’s face was unmissable.
“I’ll be back, I swear,” Walker assured him. “There’s just… this woman. I need to tell her I love her. Then I need to beg her to give me another shot because I acted like an asshole the last time I saw her.”
“Good luck,” Benny called. “Bring her by to see us if she doesn’t tell you to get gone.”
