AllFreeNovel
Share Us
ChapterTwo
They gapeat me as though I’ve pulled down my pants and started auditioning finger puppets in front of them. At the same time, the smell of delicious food grows stronger despite my nose filters—that or the stress is making me hungrier.
“Did I hear ‘masturbation?’” Blue asks, still speaking too loudly.
“Yeah,” Gia says even louder. “But maybe that’s an acronym for something, like a Master’s degree in Urban Planning?”
My eye starts to twitch again, but I calm myself by mentally adding another euphemism for female self-pleasure to my existing list: Master’s in Urban Planning, or MUP. But wait. Shouldn’t it be Mistress’s of Urban Planning since we’re emphasizing the femaleness of the act?
“I’m pretty sure she’s talking about diddling herself,” Honey says, grinning widely.
Okay. Now my left eye is twitching so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if it were sending Morse code messages to my sisters: two dots and a dash, then three dots and another dash—which stands for FU.
“If you would just let me get a skunking word in edgewise,” I grit out, and they turn to me, eyes widening. I take another breath. “I did mean what I said. I’m a professional masturbator.”
A throat is cleared behind me, and the smell of yummy food is the strongest it’s been since we sat down, which makes me understand why my sisters are bug-eyed.
It wasn’t my words but something else.
Something worse.
Flushing, I glance over my shoulder to confirm my suspicion.
Yup. Our matronly waitress is standing behind me, and if it weren’t for the tray of food in her hands, she’d be clutching her pearls.
“That’s right. I write a blog about masturbation,” I say, lifting my chin as I turn back to the table.
When life gave me lemons—a.k.a. men whose smells I couldn’t tolerate—I made lemonade by becoming so good at pleasuring myself that I don’t even need a man at this point. In general, WLGYL is my personal motto, for obvious reasons. Speaking of that, my name is the one thing I could never make lemonade from: “Lemon Hyman” sounds like the virginal membrane of a sourpuss.
The waitress plunks down our plates so fast I’m sure she’s expecting me to pull a dildo from my pussy and make her suck it.
Oh, well. No point in backing down now. Raising my chin higher, I continue. “Self-pleasure empowers women. Allows them to safely release sexual tension, reduce stress, and improve sleep. It raises self-esteem and enhances body image, relieves cramps, strengthens muscle tone in the pelvic and anal—”
The waitress loudly plops the last plate—my French toast—in front of me and rushes away in a huff.
Gia grins. “Good going. Now she’ll spit into whatever else she brings us.”
Honey’s eyes turn into slits. “I dare her.”
Blue smirks at me. “Do you realize how much you just sounded like Mom?”
Ugh, she’s right. The benefits of orgasms are our matriarch’s favorite subject. When it comes to our parents, I haven’t told them about my profession because of how much unsolicited advice they’ll feel compelled to dish out.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. What’s done is done. These three know now. I give each sister a hard look. “Can I trust you guys to keep this between us?”
Given how this is going, I don’t think I’m ready to come out to the rest of the family just yet.
Blue puffs up. “Oh, please. I keep secrets for a living.”
“And I’m a magician,” Gia says. “I keep even more secrets than Blue.”
Honey scoffs. “I’m the only one you should’ve told—and the only one you need for Operation BS for that matter.”
Okay, good. The Hyman sisterly competitiveness will work in my favor for once. Relieved, I grab a bottle of syrup and drown my French toast before taking a bite.
Nope. Not sweet enough.
I sprinkle on powdered sugar and give it another taste.
