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She stares are me defiantly for a few seconds. “Only in an obvious way.”
I shake my head, annoyed. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
She gives me a small, indifferent shrug and glances away. “After what happened with you and Paili, nothing really is scary to me anymore.”
I hang my head, let out the breath in my lungs.
Sounds like it wounded me.
Did a bit.
I gnaw down on my bottom lip, look over at her.
“Right. So about that…”
She goes nervous again. I take her by the wrist, pull her over to the bench we always sat at when we were kids, and I sit us down.
“I have to tell you something—” I swallow. “And it’s going to be hard for you to hear, but I need you to know that I’m okay now…”
She frowns. “Okay?”
I take a breath, steady myself.
“When I was fourteen something happened.”
It was Jemima’s eighteenth birthday. My sister’s always been pretty tame, but some of her friends could be wild. They’d gone out dancing, came home — our parents were out.
She had this friend, Sadie Zabala — super hot, eyes kind of like a cat.
I thought she was cool in that older girl way. She’d play FIFA sometimes with me and Hen, sneak us beers and shit.
The night of Jemima’s birthday, she came into my room with a bottle of vodka, sat on my bed.
Poured me one. First time I’d had vodka, actually. Poured herself one, then me another.
Started pouring doubles.
I don’t really know after that.
Came to a little while later, no clothes on. She was next to me, the same.
Just watching me — she gave me a proud little smile, pushed her hand through my hair.
“Good job.” She kissed my cheek, rolled out of my bed and never spoke to me again.
Parks is blinking a lot; her heart’s breaking in her eyes as I tell her the story.
“Beej…” she whispers quietly.
“And I didn’t say anything to anyone.” I nod to myself. “Kept quiet, tried to forget it. But the night I slept with Paili, I saw the person who did it for the first time since… And I just — I wanted to… not feel how I felt?” I shrug and look down at her.
She’s just watching me. Eyes wide, mouth shut tightly.
She nods.
“I wanted to feel in control. Needed to. I wanted to happen to things, didn’t want things to happen to me — and so, yeah — I saw her. Went downstairs, Pails followed me — it happened. I told you. Then you broke up with me and—”
“Oh my god,” she whispers. She’s gone pale.
