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DREW
During the entiredrive to the proposal site, I tried to figure out how to get through the next hour. I barely saw the beautiful, lush surroundings as the SUV drove past. Oliver and Joe were joking around in the car, but I couldn't relax. My mind was moving a million miles a minute, but instead of coming up with the perfect words for Gwen, all I could think of was Kate, our kiss, and how this might affect our relationship.
Would I even be able to propose to Gwen with Kate watching?
But once everyone had shown up at the set, it didn't seem like I needed to worry about Kate watching it after all. She was nowhere to be seen.
Had she stayed back at the hotel?
I made my way over to Alexis to find out.
"Where's Kate?" I asked, playing with my cuff links, attempting to look a lot calmer and collected than I felt.
"She decided to wait in the car for this one. I figured that, under the circumstances, I could let it slide this time." She gave me a look that said she knew exactly what was going on between us. I had practically just told Kate that I loved her and wanted to marry her. All that was left between us were the actual words coming out of my mouth.
"We better get this thing rolling then." I straightened and walked back to my spot on a wooden platform that the set crew had rebuilt that week.
Just get down on your knee and ask Gwen to marry you. Just get down on one knee and ask Gwen to marry you,I chanted in my head, as if it would make the road ahead of me easier.
I could see it all then. The magazines, the photo shoots, the interviews. All the things Gwen and I would have to go to once the show finished airing. There was no way I was going to be able to make it through everything. I wasn't that good of an actor. I wasn't that good of a liar. And I really, really didn't want to pretend anymore.
This wasn't me. I wasn't the kind of guy who was okay with lying to the world. If I was, I would have gotten engaged the first time we were here.
Gwen turned the corner and started toward me. The cameras followed her quietly as she walked down the wooden plank walkway, her heels clacking with every step. She looked just like she had months before. Beautiful. Her smile was brilliant. She even winked at me like she had the first time. Like we shared a secret. Everything was so surreal. It was like déjà vu. I had gone back in time to the exact moment when I'd let everyone down.
The moment when I couldn't propose to Gwen because I wasn't in love with her.
It was ironic that I was back here again, liking her even less but planning to propose anyway.
Gwen came to stand in front of me again, just like she had before. I smiled, reached for her hands, and cleared my throat to prepare for the words I needed to say.
