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Alessandra
All night, I toss and turn- toss and turn.
Fuck.I turn onto my back. I’m so angry because I can't sleep, but also because I haven't heard from James.
Or Mattheo.
I just want to die right now. I lay here wondering what the fuck is happening. Both guys seem so distant now. I’ve tried to call James all day, leaving messages that haven’t been returned, and there have been no details about what or where he is.
I even called a few of his friends, and they didn't know his whereabouts either.
Has he decided to dump me, too?He can't.
I’m so worried about Mattheo. He hasn't even called or come to see me. And from what I know, James hasn't heard from him either.
As for James- he’s been awfully aloof lately since I cock-blocked him the other day and really shared my heart about our relationship. I just don't want to give him a lot of attention with Mattheo missing.
I feel I would be sending the wrong message to James.
But, what if Mattheo doesn't want to be in this relationship?
My heart heaves under the weight of sorrow and I place my arms over my chest in an effort to try to conceal the pain from escaping. My face crinkles only for a moment, but then I can't hold it back any longer. I roll over into my pillow and allow it to completely shatter.
I feel as if my heart is breaking into a million pieces, directing shrapnel all over. Crying so hard into my sheets, I sense streams of hot snot running down to my mouth, like a wide receiver taking off carrying the perfect pass.
Sitting up, I use my hands to wipe my nose.
I used to be so strong. I wrap my arms around my pulled-up knees and rock back and forth. Love has done this to me. I’ve allowed love to rule what I thought were nerves of steel.
What is wrong with me? I'm such a mess right now.
Continuing to rock and wipe snot from my nose, I’m not making much sense of my world at this moment. I have two very different men that I love and can't make a choice between. I know one loves me, but after the threesome, the other confesses his love and states that he only wants me if it’s just him and I.
Tossing my hands in the air and letting out a huge sigh, I decide that a hot bath might make me feel better. At least it might help me clear my head for a bit.
I get up and walk across the floor to the bathroom. As I pass my closet, I have a fleeting thought.
I could relieve some stress by getting myself off.
But sadly, I don't have the energy. Old Faithful will just have to wait to make an appearance. I reach for a towel and walk to the tub. As I turn the water on, I allow my thoughts to drift to the threesome.
The morning after, I was in heaven.
I pour lavender bubbles into the water and walk to the vanity to put my hair up. Looking in the mirror, I can't believe the woman staring back at me. I barely recognize her, she barely looks like me.
After my hair is secured, I drop my clothes and climb into the hot, soapy water. Relaxing back into the suds, I close my eyes and try to slow my breathing and my thoughts.
How did I get myself into this mess? I guess this is a risk you take when you decide to love two men.
But my selfishness cost me both of them.
Stop it, Alessandra.
I sit up and rub my arms and legs. Feeling better as the stress leaves my emotionally stressed body, my eyes begin to feel heavy. I feel so tired.
Maybe now, I can finally sleep.
Draining the tub, I get out and dry off, putting my pajamas back on. As soon as I climb into bed and get comfortable, I hear the doorbell.
