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Jason
Sitting at my place staring out into the dark and the blank screen on my television, I feel like I’ve lost something.
Something valuable.
I can’t shake the feeling that I am missing out on something bigger and better than me. My mind flickers and recalls the scene from the other night when I confessed to Ken that I love and want Tamara for myself. I harshly told Ken to leave when he admitted the same.
And Tamara. Treating her like a criminal and saying so in front of her. “Fuck you,” she says as she stomps from the main hall. I’m having a difficult time trying to erase the hurt in her eyes as she turns to leave from my mind.
What a dick I’ve been to both Tamara and Ken. I shake my head, trying to disavow my recent behavior towards the two of them. My mind is reeling that I can be such an asshole sometimes. A downright dick. Ken even notices that about me. At least he has the guts to say it to my face.
I find myself arguing the pros and cons of the relationship that I’m basically turning my back on. The intruding thoughts assault me by bouncing back and forth in retaliation in my brain. I run my hands through my hair, grabbing a handful in each and pull. I’ve really made a mess of things. Amazing things.
No doubt that Ken already told Tamara what my thoughts on the subject are. If so, then I’m dooming myself to a life without her. Without both of them. Also, I can’t rid my head of the image of Ken. His hand on the door, tears in his eyes, trying to hide the hurt and anger.
It boils down to a few things. I miss my new best friend. And I miss my new lover. Or lovers? I know that I’m not gay, but does a threesome mean that a guy is gay for participating? It can’t be.
I love Tamara, there is no doubt about that. Feeling the way that I do about her hasn’t been like anything or anyone else. She’s gorgeous and has a rocking body. Fear overtook my mind when Charlotte’s gun shot off into Tamara.. I thought she’d die and leave me alone here, sentencing me to walk the face of this cursed earth. Never to love again.
I sigh deeply as I stand up and begin to pace the space in front of my sofa. I’m smitten with her. The erotic sex is so fun that I get lost in it, even with Ken’s presence. He has an easy way about him and I feel comfortable with him being in this kinda love triangle. I do enjoy his sex and seeing him and her together with me, revs my engines up. Like live porn. But do Ilovehim?
I finally decide that I’ve been selfish and brutally wrong about the two main people in my life. I do love them both and need to make amends, quickly before they change their minds, deleting me forever.
I grab a six pack at the local drive through and make my way to her new house, hoping for a chance at reconciliation. As I drive down the streets, I wonder if they’ll even accept me back after the things I’ve done. Hurt lasts a long time, if you let it. I remember the words the florist told me.
“Love is worth everything you put into it and the same for not giving into it.” Meaning I’ve not been very giving to my friends or the ones that I love. Not putting in the effort to maintain something beyond me.
Slamming my hand on the steering wheel I chide myself out loud. “Why do I have to be so cocky and selfish?” Turning onto the road that leads to Tamara’s new house, I make every effort to settle down and stop belittling myself.
Afterall, this isn’t just about me. It’s about them, too.
I pull into her large driveway and get out of the car. Grabbing the beers, I lock the car and turn to find them both on the porch, rocking, talking and drinking beers. I sigh deeply, readying myself and my thoughts.
“Hey guys,” I say meekly as I step onto the porch. I feel like a dog that ran off chasing a deer, only to come sulking back to my master, with mud all over me.
Ken looks at me, eyeing me warily. “Hey,” he says flatly.
“Hi,” Tamara smiles at me. She always has a smile, except the day I hurt her.
Stop going down that path and create a new one. “May I join the two of you? I brought some beer.”
“There’s an empty rocker right there,” Ken points to the one next to Tamara.
“Sure,” Tamara says as I move the chair closer and face them both. Seeing that both of their beers were almost empty, I twist open three and offer them each one. They take them and have a swill of the beers.
“So, I think I’ve made some severe mistakes. About you two, about our relationship together,” I stammer the words out.
“I thought you said you couldn’t do this threesome act,” Ken fires back, still hurt about me making him leave the other day.
“Well, I’m capable of being a real asshole at times and you both took some unfair punishment because I wasn’t comfortable,” I hang my head after drinking another shot of liquid courage. I look up at the two of them, squaring my shoulders. “I’m here to say that I’m sorry for my behavior and I love both of you. Truly I do and I’m willing to put forth the effort to build what we’ve started.”
Ken’s jaw drops a little, caught off guard at my words. I see the tension from before melt from his face. He cracks a slight smile and asks, “To include me?”
“That’s a huge yes,” I nod my head to assure him. “Our sex is fantastic and you’re a very important part of it.” I take another swallow of my beer, and watch Tamara glance at Ken with an ‘I told you so’ look.
“Oh, this makes me so happy,” she raises her beer to toast. “To new beginnings of the second kind,” she giggles.
“I second that,” Ken says, raising his beer and clanking it together with mine and Tamara’s.
“Motion passes,” I say and we all chuckle at that.
Tamara sits up, taking a drink of her beer and smiling. “So, when are the two of you moving in?”
