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Later that night, Savannah and I curl up on the couch with a bottle of wine and Paul snoring at our feet. It’s a perfect night, the patio doors are wide open and the warm ocean breeze blows inside. When I glance down at Savannah, she leans in and presses a kiss to my shoulder.
“I heard your mom’s comment,” she says and I merely raise a brow. “About grandchildren.” When I don’t say anything, she pulls back and looks at me closely. “How do you feel about kids?”
“Why do I feel a game of Questions & Secrets coming on?”
“Because there’s still so much I want to know about you.”
She waits for me to answer.Stubborn thing.“What was the question again?”
Savannah slugs me in the arm.
“Okay, okay. Honestly, I’ve never given it much thought. I’ve always taken precautions to make sure it doesn’t happen.”
“So, you don’t want kids?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
I let out a sigh and know that she’s right. “I’m an only child so I never grew up with a bunch of siblings. And, my dad took off when I was really young, so for me, family was just my mom, my grandma and John. And, my grandma died last year…” My voice trails off lamely. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t answering your question and I’m talking in circles because I have no idea if I want children. I question if I would even be a good dad. I didn’t have the greatest role model, you know.”
“But, you had John.”
“True and I’m grateful for that, but my real father was a piece of shit. He didn’t love anybody but himself. He was selfish, arrogant-”
Oh, my God.It hits me hard, completely out of the blue, that I could be describing myself. “Is that what you see?” I ask her. “When you look at me?”
Suddenly, I need to know.Am I just as bad as my dad?
Savannah turns and grasps my hands in hers. “No, of course not. I wouldn’t have married you.” She gives my hands a reassuring squeeze and then looks at me with that sweet, shy smile of hers. “I think you would be an amazing father.”
“Really? Why?”
“Because you’re a good man, Nick. With a good heart. If you don’t believe me, just ask Paul,” she says and leans down to pet the sleepy mongrel. “Isn’t he a good Daddy? Rescuing you from that desert?”
Half asleep, Paul makes a half bark-half growl sound in the back of his throat and we both laugh.
“I know you’d be a wonderful mother,” I tell her.
“Thank you. Not that there’s any rush,” she adds. “Most couples probably talk about this kind of thing before they get married so I just wondered where you stood.”
“I stand by you,” I say.
A smile curves her mouth. “Any preference?” she asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Boy or girl, silly,” she says.
“Oh! Wow, you do have babies on the brain,” I tease and grab her sides, tickling her.
Savannah squeals and twists away. “I’m just curious. We never got to talk about any of this because we never actually dated.”
I let out a sigh. “I have this weird feeling that I’d have a daughter.”
“Really? Why?”
“Because God’s going to punish me for my wild, younger days.”
