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CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Inever want to see him look at me like this, ever again–the devastated look of grief and rage and everything in between that he gave me when I admitted the proposal. It’s the same look he gave me when Lizette announced our news to the world, and he’s throwing me the same look now as we board the tour bus.
Luckily, the rest of the band and even Mike is oblivious to the feud brewing between me and Drew. They take their usual spots on the bus, make their coffee, and keep to themselves as we head toward the airport to board our flight to California for a few shows. After that, we’ll hit a couple cities on the East Coast, and then we’re done.
Lizette stayed with me last night. She kept me awake for most of the night, kissing me and touching me and wanting to make love more than once. I was only able to get it up twice while thinking of Drew, and I never came. I had to rush to the bathroom both times and hide the evidence that there was nothing in the condoms.
Tears streamed down my face as I looked at the traitor staring back at me in the mirror. Each time I closed my eyes, I saw the hurt in Drew’s brown eyes. The eyes I’d gazed into on too many occasions to count. The eyelids I’d kissed in the dark, and the bridge of his nose which I’d pressed against my own.
Even before I’d met his scornful glance in my direction on the bus, I’d wanted to take it all back.
Hell, even before I’d proposed to Lizzy, I’d spent many nights wishing I’d never asked her out. Every night before bed, I beg the universe to allow me to find the strength to break it off so that I can be with Drew. And each morning, I wake up the same coward as the day before.
Drew makes it obvious that he won’t be joining me in the back room of the bus today. He lounges on one of the couches near the breakfast nook and immediately puts in his headphones. I want to take him with me to the back so we can talk. I want to assure him that it’ll be okay, that I’ll change, that I’ll find a way to get us out of this fucked up hole I dug.
But I can’t. So, I don’t.
It wasone of those days at the airport where fans demanded our attention at seemingly every turn. No one prepares you for becoming famous. It’s tiring not being able to do the things I once did in private without any peace. In the beginning, I thought I would surely get used to it, but I never did. Sometimes, my patience is too thin to remember that our fans look up to us, love us, and want to support us. Sometimes, I want to blend in.
I’d signed three autographs, taken pictures, and had people ask me about the engagement a total of six times before we even made it through security. Once we made it to the gate, the plane was ready for first class to board, and I thanked fuck for that.
We took up all of first class with the band members, Mike, and our security and sound team.
My seat was at the back, and I knew that Drew’s seat would be next to my own. My brain goes into overdrive as I try to find the words to make things okay between us, even though I know that there’s nothing I can say at this point to help.
Drew eventually strolls down the aisle and sits beside me without a word. His headphones are still in, and he makes his intentions known when he stares straight ahead, as though I’m not even here.
“Drew?” I ask after a while. The main cabin is boarding now, and it’s no longer as quiet on the plane. The bodyguards that sit next to us on the other side of the aisle are already snoring, as is the majority of our crew. Sean watches a movie and sips an energy drink in front of us, and Mike plays a game on his phone near the front.
Drew says nothing.
I force a deep inhale and exhale as I look out the window. My eyes sting and my throat constricts as I hear the flight attendant’s speech on safety, and I don’t bother taking in the words I’ve heard hundreds of times before.
Once we’re up in the air and the plane levels out, I venture a look at Drew. His eyes are closed, but he’s not asleep. When he sleeps, his lips part and his fingers twitch. Drew’s as still as stone.
I want to take his hand in mine, but I clench my fists in my lap instead.
After a few moments, Drew gets up and heads to the bathroom situated right behind our seats. Without thinking, I follow him and quickly enter the room before he can object or cause a scene. He throws daggers at me with cold, brown eyes as I lock the door.
Wordlessly, he turns toward the toilet and relieves himself. I lean against the door on the verge of tears, with a scream lodged in the back of my throat.
“Drew.”
He doesn’t look back. He finishes and flushes, then goes to the sink and washes his hands. The first class bathroom is still incredibly small, and the two of us are just able to have a couple of feet between us. Slowly, Drew turns and looks at me withthat lookas he dries his hands.
“What, Ash? What could you possibly want?” Drew asks with venom coating each word.
I look down at my feet. “To talk.”
Drew laughs. “About what? You made your decision, man. Now I know my worth.”
His words are like a stab in the center of my heart. He can’t possibly think that I don’t care for him—that I don’t love him.
I step close to him and invade his space, even though his body language grows rigid as I close in on him.
“I’m sorry.” I grab one of his hands, but it’s limp in mine, like he’s not here. “Drew, please.”
“Please, what? How long have I been begging you, Ash?” He gets in my face and his nostrils flare. “How many times have I asked you to take a chance on me or at least just comeoutalready? But no.” He shakes his head, and a lock of his wavy hair falls in his eyes. “All you’ve done in ten fucking years is feed me empty promises while keeping me as your plaything on the side so you can be the world’s influential andstraightleading man.” He spits the words at me, and I feel every syllable.
