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Cheers came from all around me—right in front of the stage, from the sides, and up from those seated on the upper level. The smile that crept up to my lips was genuine. I turned my back to the audience as the music began. Drew locked his warm eyes on mine, and it turned out that was all I needed to find some confidence. I jumped a few times and turned around in time for the first set of lyrics.
I started off a little rough around the edges but trained my eyes to find that one part of the floor whenever my voice shook or if I became overwhelmed. I stood in the center, unmoving as I adjusted to my new surroundings, but by the time I was screaming into the mic at the tail end of our first song, I’d moved around the stage a bit and even headbanged with Sean.A quarter of the way through our set, my voice leveled out and I’d found my footing on the stage.
Out of all the possible scenarios I’d obsessed over leading up to our first show—like whether I’d forget the lyrics or face-plant on stage—fell to the wayside as soon as the crowd exploded into a roar of excitement after our first song ended. And it wasoursong—not a cover. It was the first song I’d written and shown Drew, which I’d named “Dark.” I stared at the crowd in awe as the instruments faded out. Groups of people came closer to the stage from where they’d been standing back near the bar. Several people whistled while others held their hands up in the rock ‘n roll salute.
It felt like a dream. One I’d be content to stay in forever.
“Thank you so much,” I breathed into the mic. “We appreciate you. We really do.” I paused and grinned while staring at the floor. “This is our first show. We wouldn’t want to have it anywhere else.”
More screams sounded as the guys began playing our cover of “I’m Not Okay.” To my surprise, as the song began, I was okay.
I wasmorethan okay.
It wasone of the greatest nights of my entire life. It was one of those defining moments that would be etched permanently into my memory. I replayed the night over and over in my head as soon as we were finished so I could cherish each song, each round of applause, every time I turned around and Drew looked at me in awe, and all of the other minor details, like the thick feel of the air from the people dancing by the stage, the smell of mixed perfumes and colognes along with sweat and beer, and the cool, light blue color of the lights that surrounded us.
After we exited the stage, I felt high; like I was floating somewhere above my body, looking down on myself. I didn’t feel like Asher Lance from the trailer park who had to hide from his parents or Asher Lance who was terrified to sing in front of others. I felt like Ash. Ash, who had an energetic stage presence despite his anxiety; Ash, who was praised for his unique voice after the show by the other bands and several people in the audience.
As I shook hands with the other bands and then got hauled into a massive group hug from the guys, I decided I wasn’t Asher Lance anymore. I never really was. So many artists had stage names or pen names, so maybe I’d be Ash Lancing. I’d always dreamed of Lancing instead of Lance. It rolled off the tongue better and sounded stronger. Ash Lancing was the lead singer of an up-and-coming band, and though Asher Lance had been a stepping stone to Ash, maybe it was time to move on and evolve.
Drew grabbed my face in his hands as the other guys jumped around in post-show ecstasy, pulling me out of my thoughts. For a second, I thought he might kiss me. Instead, he grinned at me and shouted over the music overhead, “You did it! We did it! We fuckingdidit!”
The four of us walked outside to the smoking patio right as the next band hit the stage. A few people lingered, but as they finished their smokes, they went back inside the venue. We got a few compliments as people made their way back in, and one woman ogled Drew so obviously on her way back inside that I was filled with the insurmountable urge to trip her. Instead, I let her look. She’d never have him, but I would—because Ihadhad him.
Once the four of us were alone, Sean brought out a fat blunt and lit it. “This one’s for all of us. What a fucking show!”
“You were great, dude,” Brian told me pointedly. “Seriously. After you got used to it all, it was like you belonged on that stage.” Brian took the blunt from Sean, inhaled deeply, and choked on the smoke. He was sent into a coughing fit that lasted a concerning amount of time.
He turned to Sean once he recovered. “Christ, dude, whatisthis?”
Sean grinned maniacally. “The good shit.”
Brian handed the blunt to me, and I took a small hit. I didn’t want to be high off my ass or cough up a lung, but I did want to celebrate.
“You do belong on the stage.” Drew grinned as I took a puff. I offered the blunt to him, but he shook his head and pulled out a half-empty pack of cigarettes that he’d bought over a month ago. I handed the blunt back to Sean. Drew placed one of the cigs in between my fingers, then lit it for me, pausing a little when he cradled my fingers in his cupped hand. Brian and Sean kept smoking and got higher off their asses with each puff. They all but giggled as they announced that they were going to the bar for a drink.
“You belong up there, too, you know,” I told Drew after the door shut behind our friends. He lit his own cigarette and inhaled before stepping closer to me. He exhaled to the side, careful not to blow smoke in my face.
We stood in the corner farthest from the door, drenched in the dim October moonlight. Drew walked into me until my back pressed against a tall privacy fence that was covered in thick foliage. He took the cigarette from his lips, and I knew he was about to ravage me, just for a minute or so. I brought my own cigarette down from my lips.
Drew devoured me, and the feel of his lush lips along with my small high, the nicotine, and the thrill of ending our first show had me groaning into his open mouth. He caressed my jaw with his free hand, but eventually got greedy and dropped his cigarette to the ground so he could grab me with both hands.
I did the same.
Drew slid his tongue over my own while we ground into each other there in the shadows, holding onto one another for dear life.
“How long until we go home?” I asked after I nipped at his bottom lip.
He grinned against my lips. “Just say the word, Ash. I’m ready when you are.” Drew slid his hands over my chest and kissed me deeply one last time before he let me go and retrieved his half-smoked cigarette from the ground.
