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CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“I’ve seen Ash in the news quite a bit lately.” Mom’s words hang heavy in the air. She takes a breath before continuing. “With the engagement, and all.”
I scoff over the phone. I’d much rather FaceTime her, but Mom always insists she doesn’t like the way that she looks on camera, which is stupid because even as she grows older each year, she’s always been beautiful, inside and out.
For once, I’m grateful she can’t see me. Over the past couple of days, I haven’t done much aside from entertaining the cruel seductress that is self-destruction. The others have been busy tooling around L.A. while I’ve holed up in my room in the dark. The bright light from the large windows pissed me off so much on the first day that I called down to the desk and asked if there was any way for me to live in complete darkness for a while. Luckily, there was—and of course, the blinds were controlled through a fucking app. When did buttons and switches go out of style? Why did everything need to be on my phone? Either way, once I downloaded the app and closed the blinds, I hadn’t bothered to open them back up.
Over the forty-eight hours of solitude after Theo left, I watched movies and bad reality television, ordered and ate takeout, and drank a concerning amount of alcohol. It wasn’t enough to be belligerent, but enough to keep the sharp, intense edges of my pain at bay.
Theo had been an intriguing idea for me after the show the other night, but once we hung out with his band and ended up back at the loft, I wanted nothing to do with him.
Even though I know I have to get over Ash, I’m not ready, and no amount of lying to myself while trying to screw my problems away would help. Theo and I had made out a bit and then fell asleep. In the morning, he proposed that we go out to brunch. Instead of lying to him, I told him I was in love with someone else and I needed time before doing things like that. Thankfully, Theo understood.
“I was wondering if you’d heard the big announcement,” I say dully.
Mom replies with ammhmmand a cluck of her tongue. “He texted me not long after he proposed.”
Well, at least he’d done that. After all, my mother considers Ash as her second son, and he still spends some holidays with us. A heavy, unwelcome weight twists in my belly as I wonder what the holidays will be like without him.
“And what did you say?” I ask, not able to hide my curiosity.
Mom had us figured out from the very beginning. I wasn’t sure if Ash was aware, but she definitelystillknew about us, even after Lizette entered the picture.I never talk about my romantic or sexual relationships with Dad or my sisters, because I figure, what’s the point if we aren’t out in the open? But Mom is a different story.
I stare at the hardwood and feel grateful that I didn’t tell my other family members about Ash and me after all this time.
A few years back, I sat everyone down during one of the holidays when Ash wasn’t in attendance and told them I was gay. My sisters couldn’t have cared less. Mom gave me a wink, probably laughing internally after being in on my secret for so long. Dad simply clapped a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. Occasionally, they ask if I’ve met anyone special. I always tell them no, and when I do, whatever secret humor Mom keeps to herself about me and Ash turns into something icy—despite her love for Ash, she’s disappointed in his actions. I know that as a mother, her heart aches for me, and I hate that.
Mom makes a disapproving sound over the phone. “Well, he didn’t evencallme to let me know. I was not happy about thatorthe news.”
I chuckle. “That doesn’t answer my question, Mom.” I can practically feel her responsive eye roll through the phone.
“You will not like it.”
I wait, knowing damn well that she’ll cave and tell me eventually.
“Aye, dios mio.”Mom sighs harshly into the phone. “I said, and I quote, ‘You already know Drew isel alma gemela.”
My eyes swell at her words–she told Ash that he was my soul twin. My throat closes up like someone is pressing on my larynx. I roughly slide my free hand down my face. The facade I have been living in for the past ten years is crumbling all around me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
After a moment, I say, “Well, knowing you, that’s a pretty tame response.”
She snorts, then grows quiet. “Are you okay,mi amorcito?” Her voice cracks with worry, and I can picture the line in between her eyebrows, etched deep with worry.
I’m not okay; not even close. I want to tell her that I am, but she will know it’s bullshit, anyway. So, I force out a “no” in a voice that is deep and throaty and ready to burst.
“May I say one thing before you force a subject change?” She knows me so well. My heart now aches in a different way, because I’m far away from home, and all I want is to sit at the dining room table of my childhood and have Mom sweep the hair from my face and wrap me in a tight hug. As a young man, those hugs used to embarrass me. Now, I realize how idiotic that was.
“Yeah?”
She sniffs a bit and clears her throat. “As someone who loves you both, I do have hope thathewill come to his senses and break this engagement off.” I smile sadly at her avoidance of his name. “He is a good person, and I know you know that. But—” Mom takes a breath. “Asyourmother, I think it’s time to walk away from him in…that way.” I stay silent. “I will be so happy if he comes to his senses, Drew, but if he doesn’t, you do not deserve to be in the dark anymore,mi hijo querido.You have too much love in your heart to give. Either way, you know I am here and I support you.” Her voice cracks again and I can tell she’s crying by the way her voice quivers and grows soft. “I only want you to be happy.”
As soon as we hang up, I break. My soul and my heart shatter into millions of jagged pieces as I let out a wail and fall from the bed onto the floor.
I relive it all as I cry and scream into my fists. Our first kiss. Our first show, and all that came after. Writing lyrics and coming up with beats in my parents’ basement. When he told me he loved me for the first time. The world tour as a band after our first signed album was released—all of the extravagant places across the globe where we performed and then retreated to one of our rooms to kiss and touch and laugh underneath heavy duvets, content with keeping our eyes on one another instead of exploring each city that passed us by.
Ash is the only person I’ve ever been in love with. I don’t know how to go about life without his love or his friendship. Mom is right, though. I have to close the door on him–I’ve given him more time and patience than most people would have.
I try my hardest to convince myself to pull away from Ash, but the small voice in the back of my head tells me I don’t have the strength to go through with it.
