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Despite the hardships that are surely on the horizon, I know they will be nothing in comparison to what I’ve put Drew through. Lizette will hurt. Some fans will be outraged. I don’t even want to think about the heyday the media will have. It’s going to be overwhelming and a lot to handle, but so be it, because Ineverwant him to feel like this again. My pulse quickens in my throat as I contemplate whether or not he will be able to forgive me after so many years of empty promises. If he can’t forgive me, well–I deserve it. I do. But at least I can give him what he needs to move on.
Drew’s tears slowly stop not long after he finishes the last verse of our song. I let him know that I’m awake by wrapping my arms around him tightly and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
He sluggishly moves off of my chest and props himself up on the pillow next to me. He wipes away the wetness on his face and looks down at the bed to avoid my stare, even in the dark. I move onto my side and gently grasp his chin so that he knows I’m looking at him, that I’m present, that I mean everything I’m about to say.
“Drew, I have never deserved you. At least, not since I first promised you that we’d come out and…” I trail off. I want to run away. Instead, I inch in closer to him. I know that to be there wholeheartedly for the person I love more than anyone and anything, I have to be strong and confess to all of the thoughts running wild in my mind. I need to reveal my deepest layer of soul to him, just as he’s always done for me.
“You’ve loved me unconditionally since we were teenagers, Drew. Your family…is my family.” I swallow down the knot that’s formed in my throat. “What I’m trying to say is–youare my family. Whenever we’re apart, I’m miserable. Whenever I’m faking it with Lizette, I lose whatever grasp I have on who I am. You’re right about everything. You’ve always been right. My promises haven’t meant anything in the past. Honestly, I think I held onto hope that I would act one day and keep those promises, but I never activelytriedto change things. All I’ve done is sit back and force us to do the same thing we’ve always done, despite your pleas.” A hot tear falls from my eye and hits my upper lip on its way down.
Drew, forever patient, stays silent and lets me talk.
I take another breath to ground myself as much as I can. “I’m not going to give you any more excuses, Drew. You know my past, and you know why it’s been hard for me to accept this side of myself. You know me better than anyone. I’m scared of coming out and the uproar it’s going to cause. But if I have to choose between every one of our fans dropping us or having you in my life, I choose you. Every fucking time. And the fact that I didn’t get that until tonight makes me the biggest asshole in the world.”
Drew hums a chuckle, which makes my heart leap against my rib cage.
“I’m a total idiot. I don’t know how you’ve put up with me and all the hiding and all my bullshit for so long, baby,” I choke. “You’re the love of my life. Sometimes I think I knew that from the first time I heard your laugh. Before I even saw your face, knew your name, or knew all the things that make you, you.”I press my forehead against his. “I don’t expect you to want to be with me after a decade of broken promises, watching me go around with Lizette—Christ,I’m such a dick.” I heave a sigh and force the rest out because there’s no way in hell I’m stopping now. “Either way, I’m done with it.”
Drew sits up, and from what little light is in the room, I scarcely make out his eyes growing wider.
“I’m done, Drew. I don’t have a plan yet. I need to make one—and soon. I can’t put Lizette through any more of this shit, either. Like you, she deserves the truth, and she deserves someone who will love her, andonlyher.” Drew places a hand on my chest, which beats so fast I can feel it pounding. “The first thing I want to do is tell Sean.” I nod in confirmation to myself. “And then I’ll consult with Mike and tell Brian, too. You don't have to be there for any of this. In fact—I don’t want you to be unless you want to. You’ve been through enough.”
“Ash—”
“And then I’ll tell Lizzy.”
Drew sits unmoving, almost blending in with the shadows around us. He’s so still; I wonder if he’s breathing. “And what about…coming out to the world?” Drew asks in a raspy voice, thick with stale sorrow. “How can I be sure you’re going to follow through, Ash? It’s been so long... I’ve heard these words before–I–” Drew trails off, his voice cracking on more sorrow.
I sit up and wrap my arms around him. His shoulders stiffen at my touch. “Drew, I will never,ever, put you through this pain again. I know my promises don’t mean shit after years of the same worthless excuses, but please. Please, Drew. Please believe me this time? Let me prove to you how serious I am.”
His shoulders soften a little as he exhales a sigh.
I release him and give him some breathing room. “This is why I need to talk to Mike about everything. I doubt Mike will care about this aside from the initial shock factor. Either way, I think he can help me come up with a plan. I hope he can–I need his words of wisdom in order to do this right.”After a moment, Drew exhales roughly, then he crawls into my lap and hugs me tightly, squeezing the air from my lungs. I don’t complain a bit.
“That’s why we pay him the big bucks, after all,” Drew murmurs. His small joke gives me hope.
I move back a bit so I can cradle Drew’s face in my hands. I’m flooded with relief because he’s no longer crying, but I know my promise is only the beginning of making everything up to him.
I touch my nose to his. He doesn’t scowl at me. He doesn’t sob or scream. Instead, he sits on my lap and we hold each other. We sit there for a long time, listening to each other breathe while I run my fingers through his hair.
“You’ve left one major thing out of your plan,” Drew says, breaking our prolonged silence.
“Mmm?”
Drew smiles against me; I can feel the corners of his lips turn up from where his face is planted against my neck. “You owe my mother one hell of a visit.”
We share a hearty laugh, and afterward, I lean in slowly to kiss him, allowing him more than enough time to protest if it’s not what he wants. I’m shocked when he meets me halfway and brushes his lips against mine without another word.
It’s a long time before we stop kissing.
Eventually, we get underneath the covers, despite our dirty clothes. After what seems like hours of silence, Drew’s eyes flutter closed. Right as I shut my eyes, he pulls me in closer and whispers, “I always knew you’d come around. I’m not going anywhere. But don’t fuck it up this time. I’ll leave for good if you don’t stick to your word.”
Drew yawns and nestles snugly into my chest. It’s a long time before I fall asleep despite my grogginess from the panic attack and the Xanax I took.Don’t fuck it up this time. I’ll leave for good if you don’t stick to your word.I repeat those two sentences until I turn his warning words into a game plan. Only then do I allow myself to sleep.
