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“What’s up, man?” Sean runs an anxious hand through his locks..
My whole body vibrates from the top of my head, all the way down to my toes with uncontrollable nervousness. The overwhelming urge to make up an excuse and run from the room hits me hard.Apparently, avoidance is a strong personality trait of mine.
So, naturally, I decide to blurt it out and get it over with. “Sean, I’m—I’m gay.”
Sean’s face pales, which I didn’t think was a possibility given his stark white complexion. He rubs a hand down his face. Before he says anything, he rummages in his pocket and pulls out a vape. He takes a heavy pull and offers the small pen to me.
“What is it?” I mumble, unsure. The last thing I want to do is be high off my ass for the rest of the day.
Sean holds in the smoke, then exhales slowly. “It’s a light blend, promise. A hybrid.”
Fuck it. It’s gonna be a rough day. Might as well.
I take the vape from Sean and take a small pull. After a little while, a faint sense of calm washes over me. I set the vape back on the table and lean back in the chair while I await Sean’s response.
“You’re…engaged, though. To a woman,” Sean finally says.
I nod in confirmation. Sean stares at me like I’ve told him something in a foreign language.
“It’s…complicated.” I want to elaborate, but I’m at a loss. From his point of view, I probably seem like I’ve cracked or the engagement news has given me cold feet. “Sean—I’ve been lying. I love Lizzy. You know I do. But…not inthatway.”
He blinks at me, shakes his head, and takes another hit from the pen. “Then…why the fuck did you propose?”
“I was going to call it off, and then she found the ring.”
“Why did you evenbuythe ring?” Sean snaps.
Sean and Lizette are friends. Not like me and Sean, but he’s the band member she is closest with. When I was stressing over all the other possibilities of how Sean would react to my coming out, I neglected to consider how he would feel about my hurting Lizette in the process.
“Sean—it’s hard to explain. I didn’t even know I was gay until we graduated high school. By the time I figured it out, the band was taking off. And I was scared of what you all would think—not to mention our fans and the label. After that, I just kept making excuses like a coward,” I spit the last part out, hatred for myself and my actions blossoming like a thorned rose in my chest.
Sean leans forward in his chair and places a hand on my knee. “Were you scared of us? What we’d think?”
I gulp down the knot in my throat and avert my gaze to look at the carpet.
Sean shakes his head and leans forward even more, then wraps his arms around me in a tight embrace.
“Dude,” he sighs into me. “I love ya. Brain and Drew love ya. Even Trish loves ya at this point, I’m sure. Anyway, you know what I mean. We don’t care about anything like that.”
My parents would have cared. I cringe and think about the obscenities they used to scream at me before I even figured out I was gay. The thoughts won’t go away, even as Sean hugs me tighter.
Tears stream down my cheeks. I thought I’d shed them all last night, but I guess not. Something about finally telling Sean who I really am after years of secrecy makes the back of my throat ache with raw emotion, because I’ve wanted him to know since I found out myself, and I’ve kept this part of myself from him for far too long.
“Are you afraid of what Mike will say?” Sean asks as he rubs my back.
I nod into him. “And our fans. And the label. It’s been so long, and then I go and get engaged and—” I break off as my thoughts race.
Sean pulls back so he can look me in the eye, and then he places both his hands on my shoulders.
“Dude. Listen to me, like,reallylisten to me.” It’s always odd to listen when Sean gets serious because it happens so rarely, but I nod and hear him out, knowing he means whatever he’s about to say. “We all love you. Our fans loveyou.I’m sure there will be some backlash from certain people, but fuck ‘em, ya know? If they don’t accept you for who you are, then that’s on them.”
“But what if it totally destroys the band and everything we’ve worked so hard for?” I choke out.
He shrugs. “What’s the point in worrying about it before it happens? If it even happens at all, you know?”
My body trembles as I fight back a sob. My emotions ebb and flow, ranging from heartbreak to resolve to fear to a shocking newfound presence of peace. I’m nowhere close to explaining things to everyone, but starting out with Sean was the best move. I needed my friend to tell me that everything would be okay; to reassure me and accept me.
“You’re right,” I concede. I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt and exhale through my nose.
