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CHAPTER THIRTY
Since last night, I feel like I’ve been stumbling through a dream. A wonderful dream. The one downside is the toll it’s already taking on Ash.
We arrived at the concert hall a couple of hours ago, and now we sit side-by-side in Ash’s dressing room. It didn’t take us long to do our sound check and we left the rest up to our team, which was good because near the end of our preparations, I could tell Ash was becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the show about to begin and the impending break up thereafter.
There hadn’t been a chance for him to tell me what all had happened with the others before we left the hotel, so after we made our way backstage, I sat him down in the oversized bean-bag chair provided, grabbed him some water, and listened as he told me everything at his own pace.
It was obvious he was mentally exhausted. Dark shadows are cast underneath his eyes and his complexion is paler than normal. He’s so unlike himself, but I can’t do anything to help him with it except being his shoulder to cry on. He has to go through the rest by himself.
Still, as he speaks, I feel my pride for him grow. He accomplished a huge step—telling Mike and the guys. Honestly, I’d lost hope that that day would ever come. But telling the guys was easier than it would be to tell Lizette, and I knew what was weighing him down.
Lizette was more than likely landing in San Francisco now. Luckily, we don’t have a meet and greet tonight. If we did, I would be tempted to cancel it, even though canceling them is only something we do under extreme circumstances. I think the only time we canceled before was at the beginning of COVID-19 when we found out Brian and Ash had been exposed to the virus.
I move Ash so that his head can rest comfortably on my shoulder once I join him on the massive bean bag, which is undeniably comfortable. Even though Ash’s pain has been a long time coming, it doesn’t make his agony any easier to bear. After tonight, I hope he can relax a little, but knowing him, I doubt he’ll be able to. Instead, he’ll obsess over the media and Lizzy’s well-being. I can’t blame him for that.
We have some time before the show begins, so I stroke his scalp while he sips on his water and cuddles up next to me. After a couple of minutes, his breaths turn heavy, and I know he’s fallen asleep. I grin against him as I press a light kiss to the top of his head. It feels wrong to smile given everything we've gone through, but I bask in the fact that Ash is finally taking all the proper steps so that we can come out of hiding and make a life together instead of being miserable apart.
“What can I do?”I ask.
Ash woke up a little while ago, and we’ve only got several minutes before we have to run out on stage. Despite his little catnap, he looks ill. His skin is peaked, and his hands tremble. It reminds me of the days when we first started performing and his stage fright was almost inconsolable.
I hold his head in my hands and kiss his temple.
“Tell me something good?” Ash whispers.
His hazel eyes bore into me. I pull him close and wrap my arms around him tightly, hoping that the physical contact will ease his nerves.
“After tonight, we’re going to fly to D.C. and stay there for a little while. After a week there, that’s when the press will really die down from the break up, and we’ll fly back to New York and be hermits before the last show of the tour. We can stay in, and order whatever takeout we want. Maybe we’ll lounge around naked.” He chuckles faintly. “And when it gets late, we can have a few drinks, listen to records, and kiss a little. Or, kiss a lot.”
“That sounds perfect.”
I chuckle. “How about you don’t find a new apartment?” I regret the words as soon as they leave my lips. The last thing he needs to freak out about right now is moving in with me. He’s still engaged, for fuck’s sake.
“And I can move in with you?” he asks. He pulls away from my stronghold to look at me.
I shrug. “I’m sorry. I got a little carried away.”
“Is that what you want?” Ash cradles my head in his hands and kisses me tenderly before I can respond. After he pulls away, I manage a sheepish nod. My cheeks heat with a violent flush.
Ash gives me his first genuine smile in hours. “Yes. That sounds good. Amazing, actually.”
The worry that was coiled around my ribs disappeared with his answer. That is, until his smile fades away and his brows scrunch up in concern.
He grazes a thumb over my cheekbone. “You know, I haven’t askedyouhow you want to come out.”
His words confuse me until I realize he’s talking about my coming out to the public. But unlike Ash, that’s never been a big concern of mine. I was only ever apprehensive about telling my father, but I told him years ago. My younger self always thought my parents were more critical of me than they actually are, and now I know that they support me no matter what. As long as I have them and Ash, I don’t need the world’s opinion of me.
“Mom knows about us, obviously. My sisters and father won’t care. I think Amy will be jealous if nothing else. And when the world finds out that we’re an item, I’ll be relieved. I’ll finally be able to show you off as mine.” I chuckle. Ash rolls his eyes and looks away to hide the blush that creeps into his cheeks. “I’m not worried about it. Our fans have never seen me in a relationship, and I’m sure there’s speculation about my sexuality because I’ve been asked about it during interviews more times than I can count.” I sigh and shake my head. That question has always felt superficial to me. Who cares? Why do I have to explain myself and who I want to fuck? “You know I don’t look at what the media says about me if I can help it. When you come out, I’ll come out whenwe’reready to go public. Okay?”
Ash nods, and his smile returns. “Okay.” He brushes a loose curl back from my forehead and tucks it behind my ear. “You’re amazing.”
I kiss him on the cheek. “Are you going to be okay on stage?”
He rakes his teeth over his plump bottom lip. “I think so. You know how I am. When I get on stage, most everything else falls away.”
I do know because it’s the very same for me.
With Mike’s familiar knock on the door, I kiss him deeply before we break apart.
