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ChapterThirty
Lexi
The clouds hunglow on the mountains, obscuring their peaks.Wisps like white cotton candy clung to the tree-covered slopes.But it wasn't a solid gray covering, which gave me hope for the day.Being so deep in the mountains, the weather could go either way this late in the summer.Patches of blue broke free from the gloom.I walked to the water's edge and tested the water.Still warm.For Lake Lillian, anyway.It was a glacier-fed lake, so warm was really a relative term.The cool air made the water feel less frigid than it really was.For now.All it would take is one cold day and swimming would be done for the season.
A loon's call fractured the quiet of the afternoon, and then, sneaking out from the trees, the glassy surface of the lake was broken by the smooth movement of the bird.I watched its progress in front of me and waited until it moved to the other side of the dock jutting out into the lake.The water settled in the loon's wake and once again the surface was glassy.Gentle waves lapped the shore and licked at my feet.I dug my toes into the smooth pebbles and the cool mud below.I glanced behind me at the cabin that was still mostly closed up.
Ben had tried to stay awake for the entire drive but he'd succumbed to the sleep he so desperately needed about a half an hour earlier, so when we pulled into the gravel drive, I'd left him in the car to sleep.I didn't take the time to turn on the water or electricity and open the house up.I went straight to my bedroom, grabbed the bathing suit I kept there, and headed out the back door to the lake.
I turned back to the water.There was one boat at the far end pulling a skier, but on my end, it was peaceful.The cabin was nestled in a small cove with only a handful of other homes.Most of them were seasonal, with only a few residents living at the lake all year long.The ebb and flow of the waves mesmerized me and drew me forward.With one last quick glance behind me, I took two long strides, putting me knee deep in the cool water, pointed my hands over my head and dove in.
Being surrounded by water was a feeling I never grew tired of.The sensation of being swaddled and protected by a force that could be all at once soothing with the underlying threat of menacing, relaxed me.I held my breath longer than necessary, waiting until the pressure built in my lungs and the fire started burning before I kicked hard and propelled myself to the surface.
"Mom!"
I wiped the water from my eyes and saw Ben running from the house and towards the dock.
"Mom!"
I cupped my hands around my mouth and called, "I'm here, Ben.Hold on."I put my head down and swam as fast as I could back to the dock.I didn't realize how far I'd managed to get from shore, but my muscles knew what to do and I reached the ladder and climbed up onto the dock only a moment later.
"I thought you were gone," Ben cried."I woke up and you weren't there and..."His body convulsed in sobs and he shook.
I wrapped my arms around him, not caring that I was soaking wet.Out of the protection of the water, the air was cool and bit at my skin."It's okay, honey.I'm right here.It's okay," I murmured into his hair.
"But you were gone."
"No, baby.I just went for a swim.I didn't want to wake you.I'll never leave you."
Ben pulled away and wiped his nose with the back of his hand."Papa left," he said.
I didn't have the words that would make his pain go away so I pulled him close again and hoped that he would mistake the moisture hitting the top of his head for the water dripping off my body.
"Okay, try it now," I called up to Ben from the basement utility room.After hastily getting changed and hauling in our bags, I had been attempting to get the water started for the last ten minutes.The problem was, I couldn't remember which tap to turn.It had been a long time since I'd come out to the cabin alone and it didn't seem to matter how often I'd done it over the years, I still had to try all of the taps before finding the right one that would restore the water to the pipes.
I heard a rush followed by Ben yelling, "It worked, Mom!Cool, it's red."
Red?Of course.Rust in the pipes.I smiled and, turning off the lights in the utility room, went to find Ben.
I found him standing on a stool next to the kitchen sink with the water still running.
"Buddy, you can't let the water run."
"But it's...aw, it's not red anymore," he said and shut the tap off before jumping down from the stool.
"Did you really want to drink red water?"
"Well," he said, "probably not."
I laughed; it was good to see him smiling again.Everyone kept telling me how resilient little boys were, but that didn't make it any easier to help him grieve.I hoped coming out to the lake would help both of us say goodbye.The peacefulness of the mountains always soothed me and gave my mind a chance to be still.Besides, with things so strange between Andrew and me, there weren't a lot of options left.Andrew had gone to a hotel for a few days, but he couldn't stay there forever and we both knew there was nothing left between us.I finally understood his detachment from Ben, but I didn't forgive it, and I'd be damned if I was going to subject my son to that type of indifference again.There was only one choice for me.I packed up everything we could fit into my SUV and came to the only place I could think of.Watching Ben now, running across the lawn towards the lake, an expression of joy on his face, I knew I made the right choice.
I opened the door to holler at him to come in and unpack and then changed my mind.It could wait.I had enough food for a day or two; we could head into town to provision properly later.For now, this was all we needed.
