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ChapterOne
~Lexi~
The clockover the door ticked its steady rhythm, and I took one more look around the room.Time was almost up.Most of the kids were already done with their test and had their heads down on the desk the way I’d instructed them to do when they finished.There were a few who still hastily scribbled away on their papers, and when the bell rang, I expected to see their crestfallen expressions, but it still didn’t make it any easier.I had a handful of kids who tried so hard, but despite all their hard work and all the extra time I put in with them, grade four math just wasn’t clicking.They weren’t going to be happy with their marks.Neither would their parents.The kids took off as soon as the bell rang and I gave them permission to clear out.All except one.I waited a beat before I got up to collect the papers.He sat at the back of the room, staring intently at his paper as if he could change the answers he’d recorded by sheer will.I purposely took my time working my way through the room, giving him all the time I could.
Finally, I couldn’t put it off any longer.“You did good, Conner.”I took his paper and offered him a smile, because it was all I could give him.
“Thanks, Ms.Titan.But if I don’t pass grade four, my dad will kill me and—”
“I have no doubt you’ll pass, Conner.You’ve been working really hard.”And it was true.Conner was a good kid with a huge heart.It hadn’t all clicked for him academically yet, but it would.I had no doubt.He reminded me of Ben at that age.Smart kid, just needed the right motivator.We were getting there.At least with Conner.Ben seemed to be a different story these days.“Now stop worrying about it.You did all you could.Go enjoy your afternoon, okay?”
I knew the second he left the room he’d stop worrying about fractions and start concentrating on whether the ice on the lake was frozen thick enough yet.It seemed to be the prime worry for all the little boys in town—and most of the big ones too.
But not Leo.
My heart both skipped a beat and stopped for a split second.A mixed feeling, to be sure.Because although after five years of waking up in his arms, turning to look into those deep brown eyes, he still made me feel like a teenager in love, it was the twinge of fear that caused me to pause that was new.Well, if I was honest, it’d been there for a while, slowly building.When the seasons changed again, the air grew cold and the snow began to fly, the fear and worry were all I could think about when it came to Leo.
Last winter hadn’t been easy.I’d lived through some impressive Canadian winters in my life, but maybe I’d managed to block out the worst of them, because when the never ending storms came, snowing us into the cabin more than once, even I suffered through the endless cold and long, dark nights.Summer had been too short, as summers always were.But with every day that passed, I watched Leo, and I could see the worry lines around his eyes creasing.And I knew exactly what caused them.The winter winds not only kept business away from the inn, but they kept my active, warm-weather loving husband shuttered indoors.Like a caged animal, he’d spend the next few months pacing the floor, trying to find something to keep him busy when there was nothing he could do that would compare to simply going outside without a parka on.
He hadn’t said anything, at least not to me, but I knew it was weighing on him.If we had another bitter cold season, it wasn’t just the inn that would suffer.
I stuffed my papers into my bag and gathered the last few things I’d need for the evening.I tried to hurry because Ben was supposed to be waiting for me at the front doors.At almost twelve, he wanted so badly to have his freedom and walk home from school with the other boys; at least, that’s what he said around them.Secretly, I think he liked those quiet moments we spent together.It was a few minutes of quiet, just the two of us.At least that’s what I liked to believe and I was hanging onto it.
Not quite a teenager but no longer a boy, Ben constantly struggled for independence and with the insecurity that came with the awkward pre-teen years.It was a continuing battle and one that only escalated as his hormones started to kick in.Almost a teenager.God.The thought continually hit me out of the blue.My baby was going to be a teenager in only a few short years.The age gap between Ben and any future siblings was only getting wider.Not that I wanted it that way.In fact, quite the opposite.My hand instinctively went to my stomach the way it’d been doing more and more for the last few weeks.
Maybe this one would stick?
It was a terrible way to think, but I couldn’t help it.Three miscarriages had taken their toll and I refused to get my hopes up with either the pregnancy or what I hoped beyond hope would be the outcome.It was too painful.Besides, there was nothing to even think about until I took a test and knew either way what I was dealing with.I should have taken the test weeks ago.Maybe even months ago, but my body was less than reliable these days and missing a period wasn’t all that unusual.Besides, secretly I thought that maybe if I ignored it, it would hurt less when the inevitable happened.Again.
By the time I’d fed the class hamster and flicked the lights out, I was running a few minutes late and Ben wasn’t in the hall where he was supposed to meet me.
“Perfect.”I scanned the hall.No Ben.
It was happening more and more.He was using any excuse to take off and leave with his friends.Maybe I was wrong, and he didn’t cherish those quiet moments quite as much as I thought he did.The thought sparked a twinge of pain in my chest.Leo kept telling me I was deluding myself with the fact that Ben was growing up.I wanted to keep him little for a bit longer.It was a losing battle, and I knew it.But it didn’t stop me from trying.
“Are you talking to yourself again?”Liz Walker, who taught the one grade-six class in our small school, came up beside me and nudged me with her elbow.“You know it’s a sign of insanity, right?”
“If you had a pre-teen boy, you’d be going insane, too.”
She threw her head back and laughed.It was a sound that never failed to cheer me up.It was almost impossible to be grouchy or sad when you were surrounded by someone as vivacious as Liz.“I’m surrounded by twelve of them every day, Lex.And just as many pre-teen girls, which is arguably worse.Much worse.”
I shook my head because she had a point.
“But I feel for you,” Liz added.“I really do.It can’t be easy.But Ben’s a good kid.He’ll be okay.Come on, I’ll walk out with you.”
It was a handy thing to be friends with Ben’s teacher, because in the next five minutes, I got an update about his schoolwork, including the assignment he hadn’t handed in.I was fairly positive that Ben wouldn’t agree with me about the convenience of his mother being buddies with his teacher, but it did have its perks.
“I’ll talk to Ben about the story,” I promised Liz as we walked out into the chilly afternoon air.As cool as it was, it wasn’t cold enough to freeze the lake fully.Not yet anyway.It was only mid-November.There was lots of time for the cold to settle in.
Lots of time.
I may not have thought it was very cold, but I had no doubt that Leo was bundled up and next to the fire at the inn, worrying about the cold and money and bookings and pretty much everything that was out of his control.And a number of things that were in his control.But he’d worry anyway, because that seemed to be more and more what he did lately.He’d been way too stressed out lately, and not for the first time I wished I could give him a reprieve from the stress.Even for a little while.
My hand went to my stomach again and I bit my lip.
I looked down the street in the direction where Ben would have gone with his buddies.It was a long walk home, considering we lived out of town, in the area that was thought primarily of as the renters’ cottages.And it was, too, but that’s why I liked it so much.It was quiet.With no real neighbors for most of the year, it was almost as if we lived all on our own.Besides that, it had been Uncle Ray’s special place for years, and I’d never sell it.
Never.
